I woke up this morning to this post on our support group page. It's from Jesse's mom. Looks like she got our basket. :)
I probably shouldn't be sharing it...because it's a closed group & what we share is confidential...but since it's mainly about you my mouse, I don't think they would mind. I broke into tears when I first saw it.
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| You will be represented in Michigan baby girl. |
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| She spelled your name wrong, but that's ok. |
It made my heart & my eyes swell, mixed with a deep feeling of sadness but happiness too. Strangers now know your name. They know your face & that sweet smile too. It is bittersweet that I get to share you this way with the rest of the world.
But at the end of the day, it fills up some of that emptiness, baby girl. Even with the tears, this made my day. I went to see you at the gardens before work, so I could tell you all about it.
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I also told you about how the girls participated in remembering David Brown; the 6 year old boy who passed away last July....the same way you did. :(
For his angelversary, his sister & parents asked that everyone post a picture with him & tag them, so that David's memory can live on & spread awareness world-wide. So we did.
All these small gestures have such an enormous meaning to a grieving parent. It does my heart good to give back some of the support we've received on this journey, my mouse. Because I've realized we can't walk it alone....& the first angelversary is just as painful...all the memories & feelings of despair creep up & feel fresh again, as if it just happened. Just praying about healing, sometimes is not enough. Sometimes... it takes something like this.
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One last thing I wanted to share my angel: is today at work there was a memo in our mailbox asking for our input/suggestions on improving/changing protocols & workflows pertaining to our jobs. One of those being the scripts we use to triage patients over the phone. It asked us to use "specific examples" etc. So I did it. I filled it out, suggesting we bring up symptoms of Type 1 Diabetes when members call about cold or flu like symptoms. I suggested we bring them in to be tested with a urine or blood test, or at the very least, speak to a nurse over the phone to be triaged for T1D symptoms.
According to the memo, they will be bringing all our suggestions up at their quarterly meeting that they have with all the department heads & chief doctors etc. It said that they'd look at each individual form we filled out with our suggestions & review it, & that we'd get notified either way....
I probably shouldn't share this either, since it's work related, but I just have to my mouse. My idea could easily be shot down, I know this. In fact, it probably will. But it's still a big deal for many reasons.
1- They never really ask us for feedback on anything pertaining to our jobs.
2- The fact that this will be at least mentioned, maybe spoken out loud among decision makers in our company is something. It's a start.
3- This idea is not a new one for me. I spoke to Diabetes Dad about it before your birthday. I mentioned to him that I was a little skeptical of doing anything just yet, because it's my workplace after all & I don't want to jeopardize my job. But at the same time, I'm also a member & this changes things; it gives me a bigger & more powerful voice. I have an extra advantage, being both.
It's been on my mind this whole time. I don't know what I've been waiting for. Then just like that, this "memo" shows up in our boxes. The timing seems perfect. Not a coincidence at all....
Maybe another sign. Telling me to go on, to have courage, to take that next step.
It's hard for me to do anything at all, my sweet girl, without picturing you in my mind. Writing these letters, reading books, watching movies, taking walks, looking at the sun, stars & moon....everything & anything reminds me of you.
So you can imagine how much more intense the feeling is, when I'm doing something directly that involves you. The feeling of grief & love, each so powerful in it's own right, is doubled.
So overwhelming & forceful, it can pull you under it's crashing wave or keep you from drowning all the same. It's scary. I get scared each day, not knowing which side will win.
It's like that with all the articles, with all the awareness things we've done, with each holiday, birthday, anniversary...and then today, as I was filling out that form.
Grief was trying to pull me apart, picturing you laying on that damn hospital bed...as I wrote the words Type One Diabetes on that form.
Love was giving me the courage to finish & place in my supervisors box for review. Picturing you smiling at me with pride, saying "Good job Mommy. I love you."
I say to myself: Love will win. Love always wins.
And I want to believe it. I really do.
I love you so much my little girl.
I know you are looking out for me. I know God is too. I have faith that what is meant to happen will be. As long as I have breath, as long as I have strength, as long as I am able.
Goodnight.
I miss you every day.
See you in my dreams,
Love, Mommy <3
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