July

My little girl,

It feels like it's been a while since I've actually been able to sit down & write, but not a day goes by when you are not on my mind.

Your cousins were over last week & the girls had a lot of fun. They baked a cake one night, went to the zoo instead of Kings Dominion (because Sydney's doctor wasn't available to clear her to go on any roller coasters since her soccer concussion), then on their last night I took the big girls to see "You Before Me" (which we loved & hated, but more loved, so much that I finished reading the book last night & already started reading the sequel "After You" :)

The same night a big storm came through & the power went out. Bella & Camryn's plans to go to the pool were ruined but they did the next best thing- they went out to the deck in their bathing suits & danced in the rain. I recorded it, but I can't post it because you know Uncle Chris...

And then.....we saw our rainbow.

It had been a while since we last saw one.
I always look to see...every time it rains, the girls & I always check.
<3

Luckily, the girls got to go swimming the next day. We grilled veggies & Uncle Chris made mac n cheese (Sydney is now a vegetarian). I told them how you barely ate any meat except for Silpancho, chicken nuggets & Chick Filet chicken sandwiches- any other meat with bone or exposing veins you would not touch.

And then they left. It was a good visit, my mouse. Nanny's 95th birthday is coming up in August. Grandmom's been planning her bday party & that will probably be the next time we will see them. Ninety five years old, I can't believe it. Uncle Dan & Brooklyn will be flying over to celebrate too, so your sisters will be in NJ for at least a week, then Daddy & I will meet them there & pick them up....

Grandma said that Nanny asked them to help her plan her funeral too. :( Oh baby girl...life is so complicated. I wish it were different. I wish we didn't have to lose the people we love. I wish we didn't have to worry about sickness or tragedies or even things like distance...

Uncle Mikey's bday passed. July is already going by too fast. I have 3 people now that I constantly miss & think about. Before it was my mom & Mikey & now you too. But at least I can pick up the phone & still talk to them, hear their voices, know that they are ok. Even though distance sucks & we barely get to see them....even though it hurts, a constant nostalgic ache...at least the knowing I can see them or talk to them again eases some of that longing.

That is the part I've been having so much trouble with lately my little girl. The fact that I miss you so much & there's nothing more that I can do, besides what we have been doing...

We go to the gardens & visit you. Sometimes I go alone. We go to church & pray, trying to get that feeling of peace again back in our hearts. We cry & console each other, just like the other night when Bella came in to say goodnight & noticed I was upset. She consoled & reassured me & made me feel better. I told her she has so much of you in her my mouse. Sissy too. That same sweetness & beauty in their soul.

I thank God everyday & pray that nothing, absolutely nothing takes that away.

I love you so much my sweet angel.

Forever,
Your mommy

Favorite Uncle Mikey <3

Right after you were born. Staten Island, NY <3