I had another dream of you this morning, but I couldn't quite remember all of it. I just remember you being little- maybe 5 or 6, hair in pig tails, not very long. You were wearing a baby blue winter coat I remember you once had. You were following me somewhere, I don't remember....but you were happy. I was happy talking to you, like old times. My little girl.
I can still hear your voice, picture your face, see your expressions....all those things I remember so clearly.
It left me with a different feeling than the last dream I had. The one where you came back & you were older, taller...shyer. We were in front of your closet & you were trying on clothes & they didn't fit. I said, "Don't worry, we'll take you shopping." You kept your head down, like you didn't want to look at me. :( Then Daddy came in & I told him we needed to buy you some new clothes. It might of been cold because I suggested you put on a long sleeve shirt but you shook your head & quietly said, "No I'm fine". Then came the hug. I hugged you and felt you in my arms. It felt so real, but you didn't give me back one of your famous bear hugs. I felt sadness in my dream & more so when I woke up realizing it was only a dream. The re-occurring nightmare of waking up realizing you are really gone. :(
Anytime I have a dream about you, upon waking up I can't move. I wake up just laying there trying to remember every second....letting any memory of it sink in. Until the fogginess of it clears & I can make out your face, hear your voice & feel you close again. Then it becomes ingrained in me & the feeling of it lingers days after...
I just miss you my mouse.
I saw this picture on Facebook today & it reminded me of you. Of the dream Papi had of you the morning you passed- of you entering the room with a whole bunch of kids, of all different ages, happily dancing, holding hands...we were just talking about it the last time I saw him.
Papi thinks it was your way of saying bye to him, letting him know you are ok. That you are surrounded by kids, one of your favorite things in the world....
I love you my purple butterfly.
It's amazing the things I see, read, find, or come across that remind me of you.
You are constantly on my mind.
We'll be leaving in a couple of days to meet up with your sisters. I miss them too. They've created a slide show for Nanny's 95th bday, filled with pics of her life. You & the girls will be in many of them.
I already know I will get emotional...I just hope I don't lose it altogether.
Either way I'm sure it will be great since Grandma's worked hard on planning it. We're going to celebrate Nanny & the great person she is & the long life she's had, full of blessings. What more can one ask for?
You can visit me in my dreams anytime.
I love & miss you.
I'll be visiting you at the gardens before we leave. <3
Goodnight.
Forever,
Your mommy
“Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.”
― Leo Tolstoy
“You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.”
― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
“My sister will die over and over again for the rest of my life. Grief is forever. It doesn't go away; it becomes a part of you, step for step, breath for breath. I will never stop grieving Bailey because I will never stop loving her. That's just how it is. Grief and love are conjoined, you don't get one without the other. All I can do is love her, and love the world, emulate her by living with daring and spirit and joy.”
― Jandy Nelson, The Sky Is Everywhere
“Deep grief sometimes is almost like a specific location, a coordinate on a map of time. When you are standing in that forest of sorrow, you cannot imagine that you could ever find your way to a better place. But if someone can assure you that they themselves have stood in that same place, and now have moved on, sometimes this will bring hope”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
"giving up your grief is another kind of death.”
― Laurell K. Hamilton
No comments:
Post a Comment