Brave

My Dear Hailey,

It's a rainy gloomy day here & I'm making chicken soup. Sissy will be home soon. It's finally cooled down but we haven't been able to really take advantage of it yet, except for our daily walks with Rocky.

It's been a tough, tiring week and being home alone in this weather makes my mind go places I rather not go. My heart aches even more....and there is nothing that can be done. No medicine that I can take to make it go away. But writing to you always helps...


I meant to tell you that we saw Isabelle & her mom last week at Panera. We were there for dinner one day after school & she saw us & stopped by to say hi. It was so good to see her. She looked so much taller, prettier, her hair longer....her mom looked pretty too. Isabelle was wearing her gym outfit for track. Immediately I thought, Hailey would probably be in track too. Hailey would be taller & prettier too....they would still be close friends.

I wanted to stand up and give her a big hug but I was afraid my emotions would get the best of me. I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable or scare her off from ever approaching us again....

I'm so glad we got to see her, it's been so long.  I know that you are looking over her & all your friends, our angel. I know she is one friend that will always remember you and we will always remember & love her too. Good friends are forever, even when they are apart. <3

............

I also wanted to share with you the paper your sister wrote in school. The assignment was to write about a recent "significant event" in your life...

She wrote about the dream she had of you last year, not too long after...

She told me about it when she first started working on it. She was a little nervous & scared to share it with anyone other than her teacher.

But yesterday, for back-to-school night it was hung up outside her classroom with all the others for everyone to see. She was so excited for us to read it. Luckily, Daddy had the day off so we both went together.

It's so sweet, beautiful & heartbreaking at the same time, my mouse. I told her how brave she is, not only to write it but to share it....she even let me share it on Facebook.

I was in tears after reading it, filled with happiness, sadness & pride, just like she describes....




<3

Thank you for visiting her in her dream. <3

.........

She had a tough week too, so Daddy & I went to lunch & brought her favorite Chick Filet. We always look at the tile while we're there....the one on the wall that her & some of your other friends painted in your honor last year.

She said it looked much better before they put the glaze on it. :)

Bella said they painted a dolphin on top, with a mermaid that looks
like you. She said the glaze erased most of it, but I told her it's
nice just the same. The best part is it was made by all of them & will
be there forever. <3

This year, Bella's teacher is Mrs. J. Your running coach from last year. We were really happy when we first found out, and specially from what we saw yesterday, we know Bella is in good hands. I will also never forget how they were there for us last year & all they did. Her & the rest of the running club....

I still have the framed picture they made, of all the girls legs, sitting in the shape of a heart...along with the medal....

I think that's a big part of being brave, my angel. To open your heart, as vulnerable as it is, & find the strength & courage to look at the positive, to look at the bright side. To let it uplift you...

I've found it helps, when you can't uplift yourself.

Of course, it's not easy sometimes. Grief is not easy.

I'm so proud of your sisters, of us....but we've had so much help along the way to get us this far.

Even as time continues to pass....we are always being reminded that we are not alone. All these signs, reminding us that you are always with us. That we also have our friends & family...

It's much easier to be brave when you are surrounded by love. We are so blessed.

I know you are being brave up in heaven too, my little girl. I know God has put you in charge of doing many great things. I will always be proud of you too, no matter what.

We will always love & miss you.

No matter what.

Until we see you again.

Forever,
Your mommy

trying to be brave and believe

~

I miss you my little shadow. :(

Wish you were here

Dear Babygirl,

Some days, no matter how busy or filled with joy, can still seem long & empty. I would of never thought it to be true, that one can feel so stuck in between two worlds, living with a half heart, yet feeling everything with the power of ten....

The times of joy, we wish you were here. In times of sorrow, we wish you were here. Even when my heart & minded are numbed over after a serious bout of grief....I wish you were here.

The longing is so strong, that anxiety builds up in my chest and it's hard to take a deep breath. I'm sorry to have to tell you these things, my beautiful girl. But it's true. I just miss you so much, and wish you were here.

Daddy too. He went in to your room the other day and cried. We went to see you at the gardens today and he walked away, crying. I don't want you to be sad. I just want you to know, that we can't help it sometimes. No matter how strong we try to be, or pretend we are...sometimes the reality of you being physically gone away from us, is too much.

I always close my eyes and wait for the tears to run out, trying to think of something good. It usually works, until the next time. I think about your beautiful smile. The way you'd feel in my arms. The way your eyelashes curled up and that cute little freckle on your lip...so many things, so many memories that bring you back to me.

Sometimes, I think how unfair it is that the world has to go on without our loved ones. Without you, my baby.

I saw a movie, Four Weddings and a Funeral the other day & heard this during the funeral part & it just struck me. I had to look it up and read the lyrics...it's sad but oh so true. :(

https://youtu.be/b_a-eXIoyYA

Everything reminds me of you.

I just wish you were here.


https://youtu.be/3j8mr-gcgoI

Everyday of my life.

Forever,
Your mommy

:(

I remember this, you were studying it for school & we had a good laugh. <3

Your favorite, French toast.

~

My heart.

DKA awareness/donations

 

My sweet girl,

 

I don't always tell you, but I've donated to different causes in your name, throughout this time. Always, on behalf of "Hailey's Angels".

 

With the memorial fund Auntie set up for us in the beginning, we were blessed with enough to pay for the medical bills & funeral/burial expenses, etc. There was some left over & I've only used it for good causes. For the JDRF walk t-shirts, awareness bracelets & flyers, donations to the food pantry, & a number of charities & "Go Fund Me's", March of Dimes & Autoimmune walks...the Mermaid Basket we sent for Jessepalooza, etc, etc.

 

I've found that it's the only thing that really fulfills me & helps me in my grieving. To help others & keep your memory alive.

 

Just these past two weeks, we donated to a bike race for MS, that my friend Sheila participated in. I donated to the mommy that makes the quilts for grieving mommies- 19 Quilts for Natalie; the one that sent me that beautiful quilt. I'm having one made for Reegan's mom too. I can't wait until she gets it.

 

We donated to the Autoimmune Walk for autoimmune awareness, then the other day the group Beyond Type One (supported by Nick Jonas who has type one), started a DKA awareness campaign since November is Diabetes Awareness month....

 

https://beyondtype1.org/dka-raising-awareness-to-save-lives/

 

Debbie & her group are involved, so I know it's real. She continues to advocate for awareness in her state & has done great things, my mouse. She still carries the binder with the pictures & stories of some of the children lost to DKA these past couple of years. Yours is included.

 

Somehow in some way, we are part of the fight. You are too baby girl.  

 

 

<3

Debbie asked if I'd be interested in becoming a parent awareness advocate for the American Academy Pediatrics of Richmond. I told her I would, but not sure of all the details yet. I've thought of starting a foundation in your name too, but there's a lot of legal stuff involved...one step at a time.

It's these things that I focus on when I begin to feel lost again.

To remember that we can still have a purpose, a reason to go on. To stay in the light.

That's all I want. For you to be proud. To make some good of this horrible nightmare. As long as I have strength left, I will never stop trying.

I love & miss you. Everyday.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy

Memory

Baby girl,

Sometimes these Fb memories are painful & sometimes they make me smile. Sometimes they are both, but I rather have them than not....

I know some grieving mommies that absolutely hate it because it brings them too much pain, reminding them of happier times. Reminding them, us, of what we lost. Yes, this is true.  They were better times. But they existed...and if given a choice to do it all over....to choose between a life of having you with us for only 11 years, or not at all....

Than I choose the former. I choose you.

And I want to remember every second.

It was all worth it. Every tear I shed represents the love I have for you, for your sisters. I will never stop crying, I will never stop loving.

I just wish I could of done more... :(

I'm so sorry my mouse. I love you so much.

Forever,

Your mommy <3

5 years ago today. My sweet girl. <3

Cycle of Life

My sweet baby girl,

Another week ending & another beginning. Today was nothing special. Just a typical Sunday of cleaning, grocery shopping, cooking & some gardening. I'm planning to plant some tulip bulbs for Spring in your honor- different shades of white & purple. But the yard was so full of weeds, I had to pull those first and my back started to hurt. Will definitely finish this week...

There's never enough time my mouse. I have so many unfinished projects- scrapbooks, albums, picture collage frames that I've started and never seem to have time to finish. It's true that I would have to stop in between because it got overwhelming at times. But it was healing too, just like these letters.

.....

Last weekend was a little more exciting. Me, your sisters & my friend Em went to the Dc Autoimmune walk on Saturday. Auntie hurt her back & she couldn't make it. :( But I know she would of if she could. Hoping she's feeling better. <3

I've known my friend Em since 4th grade! Can you believe it mouse? I was a year younger than you I guess when I first met her. We weren't super close growing up, but grew up together regardless, all though elementary, middle & high school. And now, something links us. She lost her mom to complications of Type One Diabetes too. :(

She was there for your service. She sent me a basket of butterfly cookies not too long after. She's kept in touch this whole time & always shares things I ask people to share on Facebook, having to do with you or Type One.

It was nice to see her again. We've decided to see each other too outside of these walks. :) It's good to have good friends like this baby girl.

I've learned that we have a history of autoimmune diseases in our family.
This is why this walk was important...people need to know there is a link with
all autoimmune diseases, like Type One Diabetes. :(

Afterwards, I took your sisters to Mario's Pizza, this well known pizza place that Papi used to take us to when we were little. It's been there forever, and to my surprise Joe & his buddy (forgot his name) was still there. They are just as famous as the place. :) It brings back so many childhood memories....that I'm trying to pass on to your sisters too.



In a city so changed...some things never change.

.....

That's the cycle of life baby girl.

What we learn in childhood, we take with us, then pass it on. Good or not, some things become engraved in our hearts & in our memory and become a part of us.

I've always tried to pass on the good things. 

I remember taking you girls to Mario's before, after one of our many DC adventures. Something that we did with Papi many times. Those times, when I was kid, were the best times. We didn't know it then, but it was...

Just like all our times together.

.....

I'm still trying to make great memories for your sisters, my sweet girl. In the beginning, I didn't think it would be possible. Now I realize that we need to, we have to- if we have any chance at all to survive this.

It would be too heartbreaking...to have our last memories be of that terrible day. We wouldn't be able to move forward. To live at all.

Instead, we live with the happy memories we shared. And we strive to make new ones.

I guess this is why I'm always sharing all our memories too. To erase the bad ones with the good ones.

.....

So, last Sunday Sissy & I went to see Cheap Trick, Joan Jett & Heart. Cecilia got us tickets as a Christmas gift (so sweet). We went with Uncle Brian and her brothers too. We had a really great time. :)

<3

<3 (too bad Cecilia doesn't like pictures)

I love my friends. I love that I can laugh, cry & be my crazy self around them & they understand. I love that we share a passion for music & concerts- to have a good time & just let go. Even if just for a few hours...how good it felt to just let go.

I'm so thankful that I got to share it with Sissy. That she's not only my daughter, but my friend too. I hope that it will always be like this...

Oh, my mouse.

One thing we can never let go of, is you. We saw so much purple at the concert. Even Joan Jett was wearing a purple glittery outfit. Sissy & me noticed & smiled. I told her:

See, purple is a cool color...

You are everywhere & will always will be.

You are still my friend too. More than you know. These letters, your spirit & love- they will always guide me. They will always be a part of me. And I will pass that on too, my sweet girl.

We all will. All the ones that knew you.

After all, that is the cycle of life.

I love & miss you forever,
Your mommy <3

~

Violin

My dear Hailey,

Today was the first day of violin for your sister. She said they learned the A & D notes by plucking. I remember that's how you started too. Learning how to pluck first, then eventually playing with the bow...

When Bella first told me a couple of weeks back that she was interested in playing an instrument this year- specifically; the violin. My heart sunk, inadvertently.

It's not that I wasn't happy...I was. But I was sad too. All I could do was think back to when you first announced you wanted to play. Then going to the music store, you being measured for the right size violin & then taking it home with the nice black case it came with.

You took such good care of it afterwards.

You were so happy & excited. Just like your sister.

.......

The violin Bella is now playing is the very same one that you played. It's yours. We had been renting it month after month after we came back from the trip....

When it came time, I couldn't bear to give it back. So I ended up buying it.

I can remember the girl on the telephone line, telling me..."Well, I wouldn't actually recommend buying it mam, because of it's size. It's a small one. Your child is likely to outgrow it quickly..."

Then when I told her it was yours and you passed away and I was keeping it for sentimental reasons, she felt so bad. She apologized. I told her not to. She didn't know & was just doing her job & I appreciated her giving me the advice. Then she took my credit card info and said the certificate would be in the mail.

In my mind, I told myself that one day, someone would use it. And it came true baby girl, because now your sister can use it. I told her how proud we are of her, and how you are too. How you wouldn't of wanted it just sitting there, collecting dust.

This morning, when I dropped her off, I told her again how you were probably going to be watching over her shoulder on her first day of practice. I smiled, kissed her & wished her good luck.

On the outside, I was happy and proud.

On the inside, my heart was being torn apart.

That is grief.

I am two different people- who are like opposites in fact.

I am the happy, normal me...thinking how awesome it is for Bella to be wanting to learn how to play an instrument. On top of being a patrol & in chorus this year! And the violin too! Just like you! How brave she is. How lovely she is. How she'll be playing your exact instrument & not only will it not bother her...but she will play it proudly.... & hopefully in some way, feel closer to you.

And I am also the grieving mommy, missing her little girl more than words can say and wanting to scream at the world- Why? Why? Why?

And wondering if you'd really be proud and happy...only because you never liked to share anything with anyone...specially Bella. And her with you. Because you're sisters and that's what sisters do. They argue, fight, compete, but deep in the bottom of their hearts....they love and adore each other, with a bond so fierce, it is unbreakable.

And thinking, you should be here. To watch Bella practice, to teach her what you know. You should be here...

And asking, would you be still be playing violin I wonder?

And the more and more I try to figure things out, the more confused I get.

This is grief.

So I look into my heart for the answers instead. And my heart tells me that where you are now, you don't feel any "bad" feelings, and that you are happy and proud...because although not perfect, you know we're trying our best to move forward and live this thing called life...

That you love us like we love you.

.......

This is what grief does. This is what we become. Two different people, feeling two (or tons more) different things, drastically.

Yet, I'm not two different people, my mouse. I'm just me.

I am the me that was hurt last year when your violin teacher didn't say a word to me after you passed. He just deleted me from his contact list so I wouldn't be included in his email blasts.

Maybe he didn't know what to say?

And who passed me a couple of times in school and avoided eye contact....

Maybe he didn't know who I was? Or again...didn't know what to say?

I am the me that will attend your sister's recital when that day comes, fighting off the tears and the aching in my heart with the memory of your first and last recital....

But smiling from ear to ear, taking pictures & recording it every second of the way. Because that is the cheesy, loving mom that I am- just like I did with you. And I'm so glad I did.

Some people; people who never experienced grief; much less the loss of a child; might say;

It's just a violin.

But it's not my angel.

It's so much more than that.

To me, it represents; what once was; what was lost; what could of been; what will never be. And...rebirth.

Maybe after your sister learns how to play it this time, maybe years and years from now...

If and when her or Sissy have their own kids, and if one day they want to play, they can give them your violin and say...

Do you who this belonged to?

Your beautiful Auntie Hailey.

<3

I love you.

Forever,
Your mommy.

2 years already
 

<3

<3

My mouse,

This morning I did something silly and heard your laugh in the background. You're always with me my little girl.

I have so much to tell you, but this is my late week at work. I'll have more time tomorrow.

I just want you to know that I love and miss you.

Every single day. Every hour. Every minute. Every second.

I have to believe in my heart that I will see you again or it would all be too much...

I will wait until that day comes.

With all my heart,
Mommy <3

Something I read and saved

~

Friday night

My Mouse,

It's Friday night. One of many that I chose to spend with your sisters. Our regular take out/eat out & movie night...remember? Tonight it's If I Stay (sissy's favorite). We've rejoined Netflix because we've watched almost every other movie at Redbox and On Demand...

I've always loved our Friday nights. We'd call it our pig out nights too- the one night I'd let you girls eat junk food; cookies, chips.....lately your sisters have learned to bake cookies from scratch. Bella said she wants to have her own bakery when she grows up. :)

So many times, I chose our movie night instead of going out with my friends. But honestly tonight I could of probably used a night out. Things have been hard & stressing. To add to it, yesterday Daddy found the screen window from the downstairs window on our backyard, broken & bent, with the screen slashed down right the middle. We called the police & reported it. An officer came to look at it & said while it could of been vandalism, it was more likely an attempted burglary! :( Really scary, mouse. So I couldn't leave your sisters, specially tonight.

We're going to get an alarm installed. In the meantime Sissy & Bella will be sleeping with me upstairs & Daddy in the basement. We turned all the outside lights on last night too...

What makes it worse is that Sissy said she heard a noise outside a couple of days ago, after school. It was just her & Rocky, they were both taking naps. Daddy & I were at work & Bella still at school. She said it was loud enough for her to be scared & not look, and lazy Rocky heard it too but like usual, just lifted his head...

I told her what to do if that ever happens again. But hopefully it doesn't. Hopefully it was a one time incident. This neighborhood has been normally safe. But just in case, Daddy drove Sissy to her bus stop this morning & I picked Bella up from hers. I bought them mace a few months back when we first got Rocky because sometimes they'd walk him at night...I showed them how to use it & told them to carry it with them during those times. Now I feel like they should have it with them all the time...

I'm just worried baby girl. Like I told Daddy last night we lost one of our babies....I couldn't bare anything happening to your sisters too. :'(

........

In better news, your sister got picked to be a safety patrol. She's so happy.

love that big smile

I went to sissy's back to school night and met her teachers yesterday. I'm glad I went. I want to be more active in her life. I don't want to lose track of what's happening with her just because she's older...she still needs me too.

There's other news for Bella too, but it will have to be for another letter baby girl. It's something that I had/have mixed feelings and too much for tonight....

Yesterday Bella charged the old ipad & I found old videos of you & your cousins at Grandma's...Easter Egg hunting...

I got to see & hear you again. Your crazy funny laugh. Your sassy expressions...my beautiful baby girl. My mouse. My Hailey Anne.

I love & miss you so much. There are just no words....

.....


I can picture you here with us, watching this movie we saw at the theatre with you & your sisters. Remembering how we all cried because it was so sad. It's even sadder now...

I can feel you here with us, wrapped up in our love, in the warmth of our little home. And there is no place I rather be.

Forever,
Your mommy <3

memory- my sweet girls and their sweet smiles <3

Autoimmune walk

 Baby girl,

We're going to participate in a walk for autoimmune diseases awareness this Saturday. I was able to get the day off. Our team is "Hailey's Angels"...

http://autoimmunewalk.org/participantpage.asp?uid=6497&fundid=1440

We're going to wear our purple shirts we wear for the JDRF walks.

I miss you so much.

Everyday.

I love you.

Mommy

Labor Day/Sunsets

My angel,

Another holiday without you & the end of summer, unofficially.

It was a nice weekend & we tried to make the best of it. We invited the family over for a small cookout yesterday. Between the beautiful weather & seeing them, it really lifted our spirits. I'm so grateful to have them.

The more & more I learn about living in this bereaved & grieving world, the more I realize how lonely it can really be. There are so many that don't have anyone.

........

Your sister the mermaid just came back from the pool with Daddy. The last official swim of the summer. Just like you....the first ones to swim on opening day & the last ones closing.

This pic came up on my memories & it reminds me of just that...

You two would live in the pool :)

At our old house, with the band they hired at the
last-day-of-summer pool party. :)

 








.........

Earlier today we went by the gardens to say hi & to replace your summer flowers with fall ones. I hope you like the colors....the other day there was a most glorious sunset that I saw on the way back from work. It was the most beautiful one that I've ever seen, my mouse. It lit up the entire sky! Of course it reminded me of you.

I was inspired. So I tried to look for similar colors for your new flowers....

It really was the whole sky. The top part is tinted only
because the car window is..

The effects of hurricane Hermine.  

......

See my mouse, we're trying...

Trying to stay in the light because we're no good in the dark. It's a choice we have to make every single day. From the moment we wake up, then make an effort every minute after.

But when you're dealing with grief, most times it makes that choice for you.

And I hate it. I hate being down, feeling broken & helpless....it's never been me. But I hate what's happened. I hate that I can't change it. I hate that it's changed us. I hate that you're physically gone. I hate that I have to wait so long to see you again...

I hate & hurt.

I've read enough to know that this is "normal". That it's ok to feel this way. But what's not ok is to get stuck there...in that place of no return.

It's so hard baby girl. We miss & love you so much.

Love.

That's what I have to remember. We hurt so much because we love so much. And love is a gift. Not everyone is lucky enough to be blessed with this gift.

You were a gift to us & hopefully us to you...

Because I love you my sweet angel....because I love your sisters & Daddy, my family, friends & even myself....

I promise I won't give up.

We won't give up.

Your beautiful sisters on their first day back to school.
Bella let me cut her hair & she asked for the long bangs,
the way you used have. They always have the mouse
inspired hairdo's with the braids & ponytails. :)

We love you so much.

And we see & feel you everywhere.

In every sunrise & every sunset.

And always in our hearts...


Forever & ever,
Your mommy <3

Memories

my little mouse



my cuties

September

My angel,

I wrote you another long letter today. It was a sad one, because that's the way I've been feeling...

I was almost finished and then I got this text from Alina:

Beautiful! Perfect timing as usual.

It turned all my sadness into a smile. So after I re-read the letter, I decided against it...

Your rainbow reminded me that it's going to be ok.

I'm only going to tell you we're all trying everyday. But we miss you.

It's a new month & I can't wait for it to cool down. Because I love the fall and because it's good to have things to look forward to...

You're always in my thoughts, my beautiful girl.

We love you so much.

Now & forever,
Your mommy <3