Surrender

Dear Hailey,

I was ok all day until now. It's always hardest at night, and specially tonight, my baby girl. The silence after everyone goes to sleep is deafening...

We missed you today just like everyday. But it being Halloween, one of your favorite holidays....we miss you even more.

I miss tucking you in. I miss kissing you goodnight. I miss those big bear hugs. I miss hearing the sound of your sweet voice telling me goodnight.

I just miss you....and no amount of anything can change it. I can scream or cry or just sit here and write with tears blurring my eyes, with a lump in my throat and an ache in my heart....Trying to make sense of it all...

But I am just going to surrender to sleep, because I am just too tired to fight anymore today.

Goodnight my little girl.

I love you & your sisters, who had a good day, don't fear.

Always thinking of you,
Mommy <3

The good witch

Ariana Grande with her cat ears

~

"It's the end of another month and sometimes our hearts feel like they're going to break because it's one more month without our child or dear loved one.  Oh, how much that hurts!  Nothing or nobody can ever fill that special place in our hearts!  May we always remember that heaven now holds those we love, and they are safe and free from all harm and illness.  They are surrounded by only love and they will never cry another tear.  Even though we miss our loved ones with all of our heart, we can find comfort in knowing that they are safe.  Tonight as we lay our heads down to rest, may we dry our tears as we picture our child and loved ones safe in the midst of the angels in heaven.  Blessings to all who are grieving a loved one.  May comfort find you this night.  --Clara Hinton

Halloween

My mouse,

Today was a nice day & we planted tulips (different shades of purple) in the front yard. Our little garden too is a memorial to you. I can't wait to see it in the Spring.

Tomorrow is Halloween & just like that, another month gone. Even though we've decorated, bought bags of candy & Bella has her costume...it just doesn't feel like it this year. But either way, we tried to get in the spirit.

We even put together a goodie bag for you with your favorite chocolates & notes we wrote you. We didn't include your favorite- Starbursts, only because it was late last night when we bought the candy & your sisters were trying to get me to buy the whole aisle...

I don't know if I'll get a chance to write tomorrow baby girl, but know that you'll be in my mind. Know that you are loved & missed. That these holidays are so hard without you even though we know you are close.

Goodnight my angel.

See you in my dreams. <3

Forever,
Your mommy

~

Triggers

My beautiful girl,

I finally have a moment to sit & write. It's been so busy, but no matter the day, I'm always thinking of you.

We have been living in between two worlds since you left....and these past couple weeks are no exception. In one world, we continue with the everyday life; going to school & work. With mundane activities like chores & errands keeping us busy. With occasional fun & special moments that help us continue.

Which on one hand we shouldn't take for granted. Because at least we have jobs & have school. At least we are moving forward in this thing called life. Where even small things mean or eventually turn into big things...

But this other dark world, this new painful one where everything is upside down...we are still strangers. We often get lost & struggle each & everyday. These two worlds have collided & we are learning to live in both. We don't have a choice.

But it's been so hard my mouse. While we understand that there will always be pain, because we miss you. Because of how we lost you....because it will never be ok...

The trick is not to get stuck in the deep darkness. Each day we have to struggle to see the light...even if we are crawling, we can't ever stop. Because if we do...we might never come back.

A few times, just when we've thought to find a peaceful medium & then bam! Just like that, we are back on the ground...crawling.

Lately, it's been certain things- called triggers, that knock us back down & take us back to those dark places. There's been many of them. They come out of no where, my little girl. It can be anything, any place and anytime. It's sad to live in fear wondering what the next one will be, how much pain it will bring, how long it will last, how much of an impact it will have & whether we'll be able to stand back up....yet again.

There have been many triggers for me & Bella these last few weeks. :(

One night it kept me up late feeling like I did in the beginning....it was so painful that I can't even write about the trigger that caused it, baby girl. :( Thank God Uncle Mikey was on the phone with me the whole time, until I felt better. I really needed someone there this time, and he was. <3

With Bella, I took her to see a Dr. last week because of a few she's had during & after school. She actually asked me if she could. It makes me sadder to see her sad, my mouse. So I'm glad I took her. The Dr. said it was the right thing to do.

The Dr. said that sadness can sometimes lead to depression & it's better to treat it earlier than later. That coming to the Dr. one on one & in group therapy will help her "normalize" these feelings that she's having; that we all have when we lose someone we love so dearly...

She also said there are certain things we can do & try when the triggers come. That help with anxiety & stress, without having to take medication. I was happy to hear that too. I was happy to hear that there is hope. That we are not completely helpless.

Grief is the price we pay for love.

And we love you so much. And always will. No matter the price, my beautiful girl. It can't compare to the love & happiness you brought us.

To have known you, to have been a part of you & you a part of us...

How lucky we really are. How privileged.

Because love wins. Love will always win.

Because love will help us find our way. And one day...

Love will lead us back to you.

And I can't wait for that day to come.

Love,
Forever & ever.
Your mommy <3

Hailey's Angels



My angel,

 

The recent message I posted on your page was viewed over 28,000 times, shared almost 150 times & "liked" 250 times so far...

 

I wrote it out of emotion & wanted to send a message out to others, to spread the word & possibly save a life.

 

I hope it does.

 

You are a true angel, helping us do your work here on Earth, while you do your work up there in heaven...

 

It makes me sad & happy all at once.

 

My little girl,

I love & miss you everyday.

 

Forever & ever,

Your Mommy <3

 

 

Here are a couple of people that shared the post...

 

 

 

 

Everywhere

My dear Hailey,

I'm sorry it's been a few days baby girl. I'm sure you'll be glad to know it's because we've been busy with good things.

Yesterday was Alina's baby shower, it turned out really great. Will have to tell you more about it in another letter. I know you were there of course, because Alina was one of your favorite people. You invented a whole game after her, after all. :)

Then today we got to see Auntie & the boys. It was a beautiful fall day & we decided to put aside the cleaning & other chores to be outdoors absorbing the sunshine while it's still here.

We took them to this pumpkin patch/corn maze not too far from the house. First time there. Bella & Dylan specially had fun with all the games & activities. I love that they are still kids. I love that they play like brother & sister. I love their smiles. I love our family my mouse.

Sissy & Tyler had fun too, specially at the maze. Sissy was leading the way. :) The day went by too fast, but it really lifted me up. Between yesterday & today, I feel like I've been blessed with new strength.

Of course, we didn't forget about you, my beautiful girl. There were Haileyflies everywhere...

Real ones & painted ones too.

<3

We also picked some pumpkins for your spot at the gardens. We wrote some messages & spelled out your initials & stopped by to visit & place them there for decoration.

I forgot to share the picture I took with Sissy's phone the last time we were there. On the 18 month angelversary....

Right as we got there ready to release your balloons...

We looked up & saw this image in the sky:

Angel?

The moment I saw it, it struck me & I couldn't help but think it looked like angel wings. It definitely stood out in shape & color as the sun started to set...

It made me smile even after days and days of tears.

I will never stop looking for you in everything beautiful.

Today was no exception.

And I'm not the only one either, mouse. In the pics below, your cousin Jaylen noticed purple flowers & thought of you & today I did too, purple flowers among the corn stalks in the corn maze.

God is everywhere, & so are you.

I've learned if you look hard enough, you'll find it's true. And sometimes you don't even need to look that hard.

I love & miss you everyday.

Forever, your mommy <3

18 months

My beautiful Hailey,

I hope you saw the balloons we sent to you. They were flying up high towards heaven. 

One day we will be there with you, right by your side.

In the meantime, we will always keep your memory alive here, in this other world, where heartache & unfairness exists.

We love you so much. We miss you every day.

Fly high baby girl.

Forever,

Your mommy <3

<3

Quotes

And can it be that in a world so full and busy the loss of one creature makes a void so wide and deep that nothing but the width and depth of eternity can fill it up!
~ Charles Dickens (1812-1870)

The story of life is quicker
than the wink of an eye
the story of love is hello and goodbye
....until we meet again
~ Jimi Hendrix

(This was my senior year quote. Too many coincidences :(

Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been.”
~ John Greenleaf Whittier, Maud Muller - Pamphlet

Grief is not a disorder, a disease or sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve.
~ Earl Grollman, unspokengrief.com

We cannot control all that happens to us,
but we can control how we choose to respond. 
We can choose to overcome and survive it. 
~ Eleanora Ross

It will be the little things that you remember,
the quiet moments, the smiles, the laughter.
And although it may seem hard right now,
it will be the memories of these little things
that help to push away the pain
and bring the smiles back again

If you're going through hell, keep going.
~ Winston Churchill

My sweet girl,

I'm so tired. I should be sleeping. These last few days have been painful & exhausting. I don't even know what to say or even if I should say...

I just want you to know that beyond anything I love and miss you with all my heart & we are trying with everything we have to be ok.

Goodnight my mouse.

Love,
Mommy <3

~

Band-Aids

My sweet girl,

With another tough week, I've come to accept the fact that maybe I will never feel complete happiness again. That maybe I'll just spend the rest of my days trying to mend my broken heart with bandages & Band-Aids...

The band aids that helped me this week:

Morning sunrises off the deck, where I tell you, "Good morning my angel."

Halloween decorating with your purple fairy sister. (It looks better in the dark.)
 

Daddy's first day at his new job & selfies with Rocky.

 


Reegan's mom got her quilt & texted me in tears. She was so
thankful. <3

Pay it forward. <3

My purple mums that I planted in a planter I bought with
a butterfly painted on the front.

God calls me to see the beauty in everyday things.
He gives me eyes to see.
A heart to feel.
A mind to believe.

Grief calls me to a different reality.
One where you once existed.
Then brutally taken away.
Our joy, our love, our life.

And here I am. Stuck in between both worlds; of healing, scabbing, then wounds again re-opening...

And Band-Aids.

.........


I love & miss you my angel.

Every single day more & more.

Love,
Mommy <3

 

~

Aunt Loni on Bella's paper 

<3

Perhaps

My baby girl,

There's been so much going on. I'm off today preparing for a procedure I'm having tomorrow. It's not fun but I have to get it done. I've been having stomach issues for so long now, it's about time I get it checked out. I don't think it's anything major, just one of those things that happen with age.

Sissy hurt her foot in gym & was in urgent care Sunday & saw a specialist yesterday. She pulled a ligament on the bottom of her foot & possible stress fracture. The doctor said the x-rays look ok, but sometimes a stress fracture doesn't appear until a couple weeks later. Just to be safe, she has to wear a boot for 2 weeks.

Daddy got a new job! He starts this Friday. It's an exciting opportunity for him. Better location, better environment, better everything. I guess he was still a little hesitant even after his interview, only because Daddy is loyal & he's been at this job for so long....

But he said he went to see you at the gardens afterwards & he heard your voice saying, "Go for it Daddy!" He said after that, he knew he should take it. <3

I know you are always here with us, still a part of our lives. I know you will always be there to guide us in some way. I'm so thankful for that my beautiful girl.

.......

I sit here typing with tears in my eyes, because at the same time, I miss you.

It was Abuelita's 89th birthday Saturday. Tyler's birthday today, we celebrated yesterday. Alina's baby shower in a couple of weeks....

Time passes, seasons change, the holidays are coming up....

Things could be worse. I know we are blessed in many ways.

But that aching in my heart. That empty space...will forever remain.

And as time passes, I miss you more. :(

I will try to be strong my angel.

.......


I saw this movie Testament of Youth recently, I loved it so much I want to read the book.

Here are some quotes & poems from the book & movie.

I love & miss you every day. My sweet girl.

Forever,

Your Mommy <3


“Perhaps ...
To R.A.L.

Perhaps some day the sun will shine again,
And I shall see that still the skies are blue,
And feel one more I do not live in vain,
Although bereft of you.

Perhaps the golden meadows at my feet,
Will make the sunny hours of spring seem gay,
And I shall find the white May-blossoms sweet,
Though You have passed away.

Perhaps the summer woods will shimmer bright,
And crimson roses once again be fair,
And autumn harvest fields a rich delight,
Although You are not there.

But though kind Time may many joys renew,
There is one greatest joy I shall not know
Again, because my heart for loss of YouWas broken, long ago.”
― Vera Brittain, Testament of Youth    


“I found it not inappropriate that the years of frustration and grief and loss, of work and conflict and painful resurrection, should have led me through their dark and devious ways to this new beginning.”  

From the movie:

"They'll want to forget you. They'll want me to forget. But I can't. I won't. This is my promise to you now. All of you."

Always

Baby girl,

I'm planning the baby shower for Alina & I saw this today as I was looking for decorations.

You are always with us. We never forget.

I love you.

Forever & forever.
Your mommy <3

Dana's bday

Mouse,

I know I said friends and family are more important & that I was going to see Uncle Bri tonight, along with Dana's two brothers & some other friends, to celebrate her birthday, but I didn't end up going.

I guess when I found out they were going to a bar & then "celebrating" some more afterwards I decided not to. I could say the reason is because I have to be at work tomorrow at 9, or that's it's a far drive & I don't want to drink & drive or feel like chaperoning a bunch of mostly grown men around...

But the real reason...that was bothering me, even on the day of her memorial service....is that my beautiful friend died because of drinking. It was a seizure that took her life, but they were caused my her drinking. :(

I just couldn't bring myself to go and pretend to enjoy myself, having visions in my head of her passing the way they said she did.

And you know how I feel about drinking my mouse.

We have experienced & witnessed first hand the damage & destruction it can cause. To think my childhood friend in those last stages of her life, under the grips of that hateful disease; alcoholism...it just breaks my heart.

I couldn't justify drinking to celebrate in her honor. I couldn't hold in my hand the very thing that killed her. :(

Maybe I'm just being over dramatic. Maybe she would be ok with that. The old Dana I knew, the one from high school I know would be. Even the old me from high school would be too.

But I didn't know her in her last few years of living. And since high school I have seen & lived enough of that lifestyle to never want to relive it.

It makes me wonder....how would the new Dana, the one I didn't know really feel about her loved ones getting drunk on her birthday? Was she suffering and begging for help on her last years, months, weeks, days, hours or minutes leading up to the moment she took her last breath? If so, how would it make her feel now watching all of us?

I don't know my angel. I can only speak for myself & not everyone else. We all grieve differently. I can't judge or impose my thoughts to Uncle Bri or her brothers...so I just do it here, with you.

If you see her, please tell her I was going to write a letter too. But there is so much I want to say there would be pages and pages.

For tonight, just tell her Happy 39th birthday in Heaven. <3

I know she's there because the God I believe in doesn't make humans weak to addiction, lets them live a life of hell on earth & just throws away their souls when they're done....

If he is a loving & forgiving God, she is up there not too far from you. Taking care of babies & kids, just like you (because she loved them just like you), or playing with fairies, or is a fairy too.

In that Heaven, she is still beautiful, happy & free. Smiling her gorgeous smile with love radiating from her eyes.

I love & miss you both.

Forever.

Add caption

Just in case

My little girl,

Another evening at home, your sisters doing their homework, Rocky chewing on his toy, Daddy at work...hopefully he'll be home soon.

Even with having the day "off", time doesn't allow to get all the things done that need to be done. I've learned not to sweat the small stuff as they say. There will always be laundry waiting to be done, grass waiting to be cut, dishes waiting to be washed or put away, dog hair to be vacuumed..etc, etc.

One thing that I've learned in all this- when you have your life suddenly flipped over & upside down, devastated, shattered, nearly destroyed...you learn what's really important & what isn't. You see things for what they really are. Raw & exposed.

I think deep down I've always known, my mouse. But it's much more magnified now.

What's more important? Family. Friends.

Having dinner with Papi & the family today cheered me up. Seeing Christina & Ceclia last week for Christina's bday & seeing Brian tomorrow for Dana's bday...

To have things to look forward to.

It's so important, specially now. With everything else going on...it's too much to even mention, angel. I don't know if you can see the state of the world right now. It's so scary. I wonder if it brings as much sadness up there as it does here...

I don't know if praying about it does any good anymore....

I always think, if God could do something about it, he would. Why else would he allow it to happen in the first place?

There's a part of me that will always question these things. But that's maybe for another time...

I know where you are, you are safe & hopefully at peace. Hopefully have all the answers to the questions we ask ourselves everyday...

That is something I will continue to pray for. As well as the safety, health & happiness for all our loved ones. Just in case, there is someone listening..

I love & miss you.

Every single day.

My beautiful angel. Goodnight.

Forever,
Your mommy <3

I'm always looking for someone or something to tell me that
everything will be ok. That no matter how impossible it seems
sometimes, we will survive the unimaginable.

~

My beautiful girls with their beautiful smiles. Oh how I miss
that smile...This was taken at Ruby Falls while visiting
Uncle Mikey.