New baby

My angel,

Alina had her baby yesterday. I saw her today after work. She's so cute. She still has no name because Alina & Mike can't agree on a name. Right now it's between Mia & Sofia. I like both too, but she looks more like a Sofia. :)

It's exciting to have a new baby in the family. Life is a miracle...

I got emotional thinking of how happy we were to find out it was a girl. How Tyler read my mind when he said, "Yes! Hailey let it be a girl! I smiled picturing you up there with your angel wings & a magic wand saying, "Girls rule!"

Seeing the baby reminded me of when you girls were born. Of course you three were much bigger. Sissy was born 10 lbs 2 oz, you 9lbs 11 oz & Bella 9lbs 4 oz. At least you all got smaller each time. :)

.....

My heart aches with so many thoughts, baby girl. Like when we were talking about how great of a big sister Madeline will be....I was remembering & telling Mike & Alina how you would love babies so much you wouldn't mind changing thier diapers, even thier poopy ones.

How you would change Valeria's even as a toddler...& then my mind reminded me that you will never have your own. And the tears stream down my face. :(

Then I wonder if that's why God surrounded you with so many babies. Because maybe he knew...

Oh it's too much baby girl. I didn't want to cry but here I am.

I just wanted you to know about the baby. I know you are surrounded by them in heaven too.

I love you so much.

I miss you like crazy.

Always & forever,
Your mommy <3

Joshua & Mikey

My beautiful girl,

We survived another holiday without you. I'd like to say more than survive, thanks to Uncle Mikey & Joshua. Their visit made helped make it special. Of course there were still tears...but a lot of smiles & laughter too. I was grateful to have an extra hug & shoulder to cry on. Someone I don't have to pretend around....someone who knows me, my own blood. Just like Auntie.

It reminded me of the old days, but there was something different too. I didn't feel like the older, protective, mother-figure-like sister. This time it felt like the other way around. Like my little brother was my protector & I looked to him for comfort & guidance. I saw Uncle Mikey much more like a man that ever before & I'm so proud of him...we all are. <3

...........

We lit your candle during our small family dinner here on Thanksgiving Day before going to Tio's. We went to visit you at the gardens with Mikey & Joshua. It was the first time since the memorial & they got to see your plaque. Uncle Mikey agreed it turned out nicely & Joshua asked many questions. I tried to explain to him that there, is a place we go to remember you, but your beautiful spirit is free. And it flies around with the Haileyflies & in Heaven with the other angels.

He's so smart, cute & funny. But I'm sure you know that my girl. I'm sure you look after him a lot. I reminded him how he was your favorite. How you used to cart him around on your hip even as he got older. How strong you were even though you didn't look it. How you had that thin frame & thin arms like Daddy but had the strength of many...

The thing that made me most happy, my little girl, is that he played with your easel when he was here. He really loved it- writing & drawing with the chalk & dry erase markers. I told him how you used to come home every day after school & play teacher.

So I couldn't help buying him one of his own. The exact one you girls have, except in blue. He was so happy. He's a little artist like you. Something special to pass on...

We missed Auntie Zulen. Hopefully she can make it next time.

.......

Oh mouse. The older I get the more I realize how precious family is. What would I do without ours?

Like Sissy said, being around the family is always a comfort...always healing. The best form of therapy there is.

I have to remember this when I feel helpless & all I can do is seclude myself...& take on all this pain alone.

Because we are not alone.

We will always have each other.

Here or in the next life.

We will always be together.

I love & miss you so much. Every single day.

Forever,
Your mommy <3

Goodnight my beautiful angel.

At the Bristow House <3

<3

~

Thanksgiving in Heaven

My beautiful girl,

Today was so hard. But we made it through. I'm so thankful Uncle Mikey was here by our side...Joshua too. He gave me a big hug that made my day. 

We miss you more than words can say. Things are not the same. I don't know if there will ever be a day when we get "used" to this feeling...this pain of being without you. I don't know if I ever want to either.

Happy Thanksgiving in Heaven our beautiful angel. 

I love you so much, forever & ever.

Mommy 

~

Mouse,

Uncle Mikey & Joshua are supposed to be coming to visit for Thanksgiving. Something to look forward to. <3

I miss you.

Mommy

Sissy's sweet 16

Dear Hailey,

This morning as we hugged, kissed & wished Sissy a happy 16th birthday, our hearts were heavy wishing you were physically here to share her special day.

I lit your purple candle that we always light in remembrance, & said a little prayer over breakfast. First I asked that you forgive us if you thought we forgot about you this weekend...as we celebrated your sister's birthday. That we may have been having fun, enjoying her special birthday...but it doesn't mean that you weren't on our minds. That we didn't miss you, my mouse. Because we did. So much.

I know it may sound irrational to think or feel this way. But not to us. It's probably a part of grief that only we could understand- the grievers; but cannot explain.

After spending the whole weekend making wonderful memories with family & friends, we were in tears this morning thinking of you. Missing you.

Sissy rarely cries, so it hurt me even more to see her in tears just before she left for school. Then later, I saw your post in my FB memories from a couple of years ago. Your last birthday wish to your dear Sissy...

Sissy holding you as a baby.

I had to share it & remind her how precious she was to you. How great of a sister she was & still is...

How no one could ever take that away from her. What a gift you were to each other.

And of course Bella too. <3

And I reminded her of the rainbow too.

Sissy will be always be "Sissy" because of you. You are the one that started calling her that out of the blue when you were little & it stuck. Just like you called Isabelle "Bella" since she was born & it stuck. :)

........

Yesterday the family came over & Papi made good food (Sissy's favorite Chicken Parmesan). It was nice to have the house filled with love, warmth & laughter. It made me happy to see your sister smile.

I wanted to light the candle then, but I got distracted with playing host. But not once did I forget about you baby girl. Your sister either...

This showed up on my FB feed last night as I was thinking it...

Ice cream cake from Cold Stone, per Sissy's request.

So we had to visit you at the gardens after work & school today. In the freezing cold & howling winds...

Just in case you didn't hear us before.....just in case you needed to hear it again.

That we love you & miss you everyday. But even more so on these special days.

Always & forever,
Your mommy <3

19 months

Rainbow

Mouse,

Tonight we celebrated Sissy's birthday with her friends at a hibachi restaurant close to Auntie's. We had a good time & the food was really good. More importantly your sister had a great time. She looked beautiful with her pink velvet dress & knee high black (fake suede) boots, her hair straightened, nails done & all new makeup.

She looks like a young woman now- hard to believe she's turning 16! Soon she'll be driving... Don't even want to think about it even though it's right around the corner. I used to be excited about the idea of having her driving and being more independent. About sending her out to get milk & bread. :)

But ever since....I have met many & mean MANY bereaved parents who lost children in automobile accidents...

It really frightenes me. So I don't mind that Sissy isn't that eager to get her license right away. That is more than fine with me. The more practice she gets, the better.

......

We were feeling sad the last couple days planning for her party (ies), thinking of you...missing you & wishing you were here. It got worse for me as the time came closer. I was upstairs looking in my closet for something to wear, remembering how you'd be the one I always counted on to help me with those things. And I was really missing you little girl.

It's pure anguish sometimes, the pain I feel. I was in my closet trying to guess what you would say or what you'd pick out for me.

My room was dark even with the lights on because there had just been a small storm that passed. I opened the blinds to see a peach color sky that I've never seen before. Even though I couldn't see it I knew there was rainbow. I went downstairs out the deck & sure enough...just barely noticeable, just the tail end...

Faint but still visible to the left. 

I called your sisters up so they can see. Sissy said, "It's Hailey letting us know she's with us."  I believe so too. We all do. We smiled & teared up & hugged each other, feeling you close.

When I went to post the pic on FB, some of my other friends posted pics of a beautiful double rainbow in the same area. They had a better view but I'm glad we didn't miss it complicatley.

.......

I pictured you in the car, squished back there with Bella, Sissy & the rest of her friends; laughing, singing, carrying on... Being young, happy & carefree. Where you should be.

But I know my angel, that you are not far. That you will shine down on us & stay close, wherever we are.

The rainbow made our day even more special. <3

We love & miss you, every day.

Always & forever,

Mommy <3

A boy & his dog

My Angel,

We gave to another cause on behalf of Hailey's Angels. It's a documentary about Luke & Jedi- a little boy Luke with Type 1 & his alert dog Jedi. I follow thier page on Facebook & have "talked" to thier mom online. She knows about you & has shared some of my posts in the past. She works to create awareness too.

She's catching people's attention by posting daily about the real life struggles & dangers of living with T1D, and how her & Jedi work together to keep Luke alive on an everyday basis. It's pretty amazing & sad at the same time. She's been covered by many media outlets & most recently CNN. She said 29 people so far have reached out to her saying thanks to her & her page, they knew about the symptoms for type 1 & were able to be diagnosed or have their kids diagnosed in time. 29! That's a big deal my mouse.

Even if it's a small amount, I was glad to help the cause.

You are always on our thoughts.

Always in our hearts. Very much a big part of our lives.

And we miss you so desperately still.

I know I will spend the rest of my life trying to fill this huge hole in my heart. This is the only way I know how.

I love you my sweet girl.

Always & forever,
Your mommy

Lucky 13

Baby girl,

Yesterday was me & Daddy's 13th wedding anniversary. On the way home from work, there were 2 accidents on 66 so I drove the other way home- past the gardens. Looking up at the sky I saw a little rainbow patch that grew clearer the closer I got to the gardens. I tried to take a pic but it didn't turn out.

I want to think it was a sign from you...saying Happy Anniversary Mommy & Daddy!! I love you...

Even if it wasn't...I heard those words in your voice in my head & it made my day. Just like the nice handwritten cards your sisters gave us in the morning & the beautiful roses Daddy had delivered to my job & later the nice dinner we had at a fancy restaurant to celebrate.

It was a good day my mouse. Like that one quote says... Accept the Good.

To think, this time last year everything was so different. Daddy & I were not in a good place & I was so scared about the future. I honestly did not think we would make it this far.

To remember of all that we have been through...so so much. We started to talk about that last night over dinner but I told Daddy that I didn't want to get emotional and end up in tears. I wanted to just be & enjoy a nice meal. To enjoy the now & remember us, & all the good things.

The best things. You girls.

The best things to ever happen to us.

And cheers to more happy times.

Like Daddy said- lucky 13.

....

Monday was Word Diabetes Day & Bella took the flyers I ordered from Beyond Type One to school & passed them out in her classroom. If you remember, last year we passed out fliers too & I made a small speech in her class. It turned out great even though I was so emotional. The kids listened & they asked many questions.

But this year Bella didn't feel comfortable to have me make a speech. One thing she had a really hard time with last year was the kids "giving her looks" and acting awkward towards her. I think it made her feel self conscious. It became another "trigger"....so I told her it's perfectly fine just to pass the fliers out. That I was really proud of her either way. We wore our blue for awareness too. <3

I want to help your sisters as much as I can- to help them sort out their feelings. But I have my own that I'm trying to figure out too.

I told Bella how I understood & respected her for not feeling comfortable with talking about it with her classmates. Come to think of it, I don't think I'd be comfortable talking about it with my co-workers either. In fact, I rarely do, aside from the answering "Ok" to the questions, "How are you?" How are the girls?"

It would be easier to face a bunch of strangers. Not sure why- maybe that's what they mean in the books about grievers having to use "compartmentalization" to cope in our everyday lives:

At home, work & in public places we wear our different hats & masks throughout the day. It helps us manage & control whatever power we still have over those waves of grief...

For example, even on hard days, I know I can go to work and fake a smile & hold back the tears until I get home, or at least to my car. If I started to mix it all together- all those hats & masks...it would be too messy my mouse. It wouldn't work.

That might be why I was able to talk to her class about it & not break down. Because I don't know them well enough. I'm only guessing & trying to understand all this...

But just as I understood her, I asked her to understand me. That it would be hard for me to make a speech about Type One Diabetes & not mention you..

After all, we do all this in your memory...

Oh my mouse. It's so hard. We are still learning as we go. There are no rights or wrongs.

All I know is that I'm proud of your sisters no matter what. And I know we'll work through it.

This is the flier. Hopefully, at least one parent or one student will read it & remember the warning signs.

That is all we can ask & pray for. No more tragedies. No more pain & suffering.

For all of us.

I love & miss you every second.

My beautiful sweet Hailey Mouse.

Goodnight baby girl.

Forever & ever,
Mommy
.........

P.S. If I could have any wish at all, it would be to bring you back. That would be extremely lucky after all....

"The business of life is the acquisition of memories. In the end, that's all there is." Mr. Carson- Downton Abbey

In your honor

My sweet girl,

There is so much more I could share with you on a daily basis, writing these letters...so many things to talk about, as we always did together. I don't leave things out purposely, sometimes there is just not enough time or space in which to fit everything in.

So I just write what is in my heart. Whispering to myself as I go...hoping that you can hear me somehow. Hoping that my words will reach you in some way. And if not...maybe they will be of some use to your sisters one day- or to someone else. If not, that's ok too. All I know is that it helps me & that is enough. 
.......

Today I want to share with you a post from Michelle & Debbie (the moms who advocate for Type One diabetes in the state of PA. Here she explains a little bit of their journey to this recent new campaign now happening in their state, which is a big step in the awareness of Type One Diabetes starting at a regular doctor's visit....

Thanks to all their hard work & dedication, they have teamed up with the organization Beyond Type One that is sponsored by Nick Jonas (who also has T1d) to provide & implement education and awareness of T1D through means supplying info packets, posters, flyers, etc ..around to every pediatrician office.

 

 

It choked me up to read this baby girl. It made my heart swell so much it felt like it was going to burst. Just in time for diabetes awareness month too.

 

To know that you did not pass in vein. That you are helping others & making a difference...even now.

 

And will continue to do so.

 

I feel so blessed to have come across these wonderful ladies. I've always felt it was God's hand that lead me to them. And something so great has come of it & hopefully this is just the beginning.

 



I contacted Beyond Type One last week requesting some flyers to pass out in Bella's class & they came in the mail yesterday. Then maybe I'll make extra copies to pass out in churches or post in public spaces like libraries, shelters, hospitals, etc. Anywhere I'm allowed.

As long as I have strength in me...

You & your sisters have always been my strength. I don't think that will ever change.

A grieving parent never wants their child to be forgotten. This is too a way for me to keep your memory alive.

In your honor baby girl. And to all those other lives lost needlessly...

We can help save lives. We can save tragedies from happening. Lives being torn apart by losing their precious loved ones...

Save a parent from having to live with "I should of known, or I didn't know, or I wish I would of known....."

I love & miss you my beautiful girl.

Last night the girls watched Just Go With It - one of your all time favorite movies just to hear you laugh again. We remember all your favorite parts- the ones where you'd crack up no matter how many times you watched the movie. And we can picture you there laughing & imitating & reciting line for line...word for word.

And that is how we bring you back to us.

Where you belong. Where you will always be.

Goodnight my sweet baby.

Visit me in my dreams if you can.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy <3

~

Upsets

My angel,

This morning a little after 3am, me in my bedroom & sissy in hers, we woke up randomly at the same time to find out that a new president was elected.

It's not the candidate I voted or that we were rooting for. It was a big shock & disappointment. So much was at stake. Such a dragged out & hard fought campaign to end in such results. Heartbreaking. We had such high hopes that were crushed in a matter of hours...

How we know the feeling all too well. Of course this doesn't compare...nothing ever will. :(

But we must go on, just like everything else. Must still have hope.

Although I couldn't help remember the words my co-worker Katrina said to me, shortly after I came back to work after the trip...

We were taking the shuttle back to our cars (the parking lot was under construction) and we sat together. She put her hand on my knee and said in a soft casual tone:

"Don't worry, you'll see your angel sooner than you think. In about 7 years time. And she'll be waiting for you with open arms."

Her words struck me & I asked her what she meant. She explained that, that day Pres. Obama had signed some deal with Iraq or Iran...something about nuclear arms. She said it was bad news & a big deal because it could possibly lead into a future war- a kind of war they talk about in the bible. A kind of war that would bring the end...she said it was coming sooner than we thought.

Those days my mind was so foggy I just smiled & nodded. But as her words rang in my head they freaked me out. I knew she was super religious & had always related everything to religion, but I remember going home googling what she had said just in case, and it was true that the President had signed some kind of deal that day having to do with nuclear weapons. And I never forgot her words since.

Of course I was less concerned with the end of the world. All I could think of was you, waiting for me with open arms....

This is what I thought of last night, as we slowly realized what was happening. But this time I was concerned. Also saddened & scared, to see how divided as a nation we really are.

I know you are safe. But I worry about your sisters & their future.

Like I told Sissy, we must go on. We must keep fighting for what we believe for. We must continue to live & love. And to have hope....that everything will be alright.
........

I love & miss you my little girl.

Every single day.

Today I saw your smile in this pic and it made my day.

Forever,
Your mommy <3

I think this was Grandma's & Pop Pop's last visit. :(

~