Just one more time

Baby girl,

Today we gained another hour but I feel just as exhausted. It's darker earlier now. Not my favorite. We took Rocky out for a walk a little after 6 & it felt like 9 or 10pm.

This week is going to be busy. Tomorrow I have a "student lead conference" early in the morning with Bella, since I have to work later. Remember those? The first one I ever had was with you. Daddy said you did one with him too. We remembered how excited you were. You got to talk the whole time & had our full attention. You got to tell us all about what you were learning. Showing us your notebooks & folders full of writings, drawings & worksheets. So proud & enthusiastic....and we were so proud of you too.

It's the same with your sister. She's just as excited. Every bit of proud & very enthusiastic. Every bit of good in school as you, so I know we will be proud of her too.

Then Tuesday, is the election. A new president will be chosen. It's been a really crazy time, my mouse. There's so much, too much to fit into this letter. You may be able to see from where you are. You may also know who mommy is going to vote for & why.

Even as a teen, your mommy was never crazy about politics, authority, or much of society rules period...in the typical teen fashion. But also in the not-so-typical-teen fashion I cared about the other side of politics & society- the side that often gets overlooked. I became president of the Amnesty International chapter in my school by my senior year. We were very active in protecting human rights, here & around the world. I learned a lot of the harsh realities of government & corruption. I cared. It lit a fire in me. I was very passionate about it then.

That fire dimmed over time, but never really extinguished. Life just happened. But one thing I know for sure is that government & corruption go hand in hand. You will never see perfection because humans aren't perfect. This election like any other, it seems like we have to choose with the less corrupt one. The one who will cause less damage....

Oh my mouse. The future is scary. I worry about your sisters. But I think I'm just happy that I care...about something. Anything. But specially this. Happy to feel the fires burning again...

I know it may sound silly. But not too long ago I could of cared less about anything going on around me. I didn't have the energy to. It took every bit of energy I could muster just to get through the day. So this is just another thing....to be grateful for.

I do still have those days baby girl, but it seems the recovery gets a little easier. Just a little...

I had one of those mornings today after watching an episode of Downton Abby (my new show) where the youngest daughter passes away. If I could of jumped into the screen I would have...to cry with the family. To hug the mom...I was crying like it had happened to me. Then I realize, it did. It did happen to me.

That's how grief works. So unexpected. Unwelcomed. Unforgiving. It doesn't care that you woke up grateful because it's Sunday & for another hour of sleep. Or that all you were doing was enjoying some TV/time for yourself/time before the family woke up...

All of a sudden you find yourself curled up under your covers, crying & cursing life....

But then moments later, you smell the smell of breakfast cooking & the sounds too (Daddy set the fire alarms off again while frying pork roll)....and your sister with Dani & Natalia downstairs, then upstairs, laughing...

And you hear the family of Sybil (the daughter) say that "Now is the time to cherish & honor her memory." "She wouldn't want us to be sad. She was always so alive & never hurt anyone"...things like that.

So then you force yourself to get up. Open up the shades to let the sun in and start another day...

Only you have your precious daughter on your mind all day, so you go visit her tree at school that you've been meaning to put some mulch down on & see the tree has fall colored leaves. You visit her at the gardens & notice she's had visitors (papi & the fam) who left big beautiful shimmery purple flowers...

And you say to yourself all day...even after talking to her when looking at the sun through the shades, and at the school admiring her tree, and at the gardens cleaning her plaque...I must write to her tonight. I must talk to her once more before I go to bed.

I must tell her. I must let her know, just one more time...

That I love her. That I miss her. That I so wish I could be with her.....

So I will.

I love you. I miss you. I so wish I could be with you...

One day. One day I will, my beautiful daughter of mine.

Just one more time...and I can't wait.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy