Coincidence

My sweet girl,

It's the last day of Feb & the signs of Spring are definitely showing. The tulips Bella & I planted in the fall are starting to bloom. I saw two little birds today chirping & flying around a small nest & the Canadian geese have increased in numbers by the lake, pooping all over the side walks & even in people's driveways. I have to cross the street when I walk Rocky because he sometimes tries to eat it just like Juno used to do. :)

This week I'll be looking over the material that Beyond Type One has emailed me & will be mailing me to get ready for our meeting next week. I'm so thankful Debbie will be driving with me & helping me present our case in front of all those big shots. I know my emotions will get the better of me. I will not show up with the confidence of a parent advocate who's trying to change the world.

I will be showing up as a mom who lost her beautiful 10 year old daughter to Type One Diabetes, who she made a promise to, that she would try to other save lives from this disease, because she couldn't save hers...

I will be wearing my heart on my sleeve.

Whether this is the right approach or not, it's all I got.

Because the thought of your passing being preventable, if we just knew....it suffocates me baby girl. It takes over my thoughts & feelings ...it knocks me down to the ground. :(

It's something that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. But others don't. There doesn't have to be any more unnecessary deaths...

...

Today I went to the dentist to get a cavity filled & she asked how I was doing. The same sister dentists that knew you & your sisters. She asked if I could feel your presence. That's the first time anyone ever asked me that question. I told her I can. I told her about all the signs, specially the butterflies.

When I told her about the Haileyfly at the beach, she started to cry. We both sat there with tears running down our faces. She started to tell me about a friend who lost her daughter to leukemia & another woman who lost her husband after a freak accident (he fell down the stairs) who have also had signs & feel their loved ones near.

We started talking about the afterlife & religion. One thing that she said stood out because another mom just posted about it last night- she said that no matter what you believe in, one thing is a fact: energy never dies. If anything, that's what we feel. The energy of our loved ones- which to me equals their spirit.

It was nice to openly talk to someone who knew us "before & after" & not feel awkward, my mouse. I told her too about our meeting next week. She was happy to hear it. She asked me questions about type one too, because she has a two year old son.

At the end she gave me a big hug. Later, when I brought your sisters in for their cleanings, she gave me a print out of two books she read about the afterlife, both written by a well known medium George Anderson? She said she read both books & highly recommends them & thinks I'd like them...

again the subject of mediums.

Coincidence?

I'm starting to not believe in them baby girl.

I love you so much.

I will keep walking on this journey as long as I have you, your sisters, Daddy & my family by my side. And God too.

Everyday, you are on my mind.

Forever,
Your mommy <3

?

?

Plates

My mouse,

I ordered new license "Haileyfly" license plates.

https://haileyflies.com/2017/02/26/haileyfly/

You are never forgotten. <3

Love you.

Mommy

A pic I ran across last week- a candid shot of the three of you. I don't
know what you were talking about, but usually when I eavesdropped
on your conversations, they would make me laugh. This one made me
laugh too because sissy is trying to balance the sea-saws for the two of you. :)

The message

My mouse,

Grandma called today to tell me that she had a message to give to us from cousin Loni, from you. I was out running errands when she first called, so I told her I'd call her back once I got home. The tears immediately started to pour once I hung up.

When I called back, she said Loni talked to another medium over the weekend- a lady who had no knowledge of you or the family. All she was told is that Loni's family had lost a child.

The lady told Loni that there was a girl, around age 11 or 12 that was coming through to her with a message for her family. She said the girl was jumping up & down, happy & singing. The message was for us- to tell us that she can see us. That she's happy & in a good place, with good people "that take care of her & treat her good." But that seeing us so sad makes her sad. That her job now is to make sure the family stays together...

To remember all the good memories, but to also make sure we keep making new ones...

Of course I started crying listening to the message. I told Grandmom (which I never told her before) that in almost every dream I have of you- you are wearing a pony tail, happy, bouncing up & down, giggling & smiling..

That I've been thinking of speaking to a medium for some time now, specially as it gets closer to your two year anniversary...because many moms in the bereavement groups have & they swear by it. That one just recently was given an answer to exactly what happened during her daughter's car accident. A question that couldn't be answered by police or witnesses...the medium knew the details without knowing anything of her daughter or her accident ahead of time; but the answer came from directly from her daughter.

I told Grandmom that when Alina offered to find one last year, I hesitated because I wasn't ready yet. That maybe I was afraid...of what I was going to hear...of hearing nothing at all.

She also said you had a message for Grandmom: that you know she holds her chest a lot. That you know it's because she holds it in, trying to be strong for everyone else. But that she didn't have to hold it in. You told her to let go. To "let it go, Grandmom & you will feel a lot better afterwards."

So she did. She said she cried all day yesterday, that's why she waited until today to tell us.

...

She said the most important message was to keep making memories.

I told Grandmom that I've spent the last few days looking over all the pictures that I developed last year, planning on making the scrap books for everyone....that I stopped because I got too overwhelmed. They've been sitting here ever since.

So I decided to start over again & put the albums together. Pictures upon pictures. Memories upon memories. So many smiles, so many good times. Three mini albums in just 2014, that doesn't even include winter yet.

That it's been on my mind the last couple of days. That daddy & I were just talking about it before we got the call from Grandmom this morning...

And then we get your message.

...

Like I told Grandmom, my mouse. We don't mean to be sad all the time. Things randomly happen that trigger the grief sometimes. Like what happened with Bella & Sissy in school. Or when moms call for their sick kids at work. Triggers happen.

That if I don't cry at least once a day, it builds up inside me & it makes a greater impact on me later. So she never has to worry about calling me & making me cry. Chances are, if I haven't already cried, I will.

Nevertheless, my dear baby girl- deep down I know you are ok. That alone eases my heart. But we are allowed to miss you. It's only been 2 years. We will grieve forever, but hopefully less as time goes on.

One of the things that will help, is making more memories. With family & friends. To continue living, with you always in our hearts.

To get these signs, to hear of these messages, to let me know that you are in fact ok- gives me life, my angel. It fills my heart up & yes, fills my eyes with tears but in a good way.

To know that you are somewhere out there- just as you appear in my dreams; happy, healthy & alive; gives purpose. That maybe there is something more to this life. That we should continue living it. That your sisters should too. That they have every right.

I never want to forget what Grandmom said- that you knew more love at 10 years old than most people know in a lifetime...

I know it's true my angel. I know it's true because you were loved by so many. And you still are....and always will be.

Forever,
Your mommy <3

For the both of us

Baby girl,

In exactly two months, it will be two years. I didn't want to start this letter with these thoughts, but it was my first thought that came to mind this morning.

We kept a candle lit for you for most of the day. Your sisters were home for President's Day & luckily I had the day off too. I helped Bella with her science project that's due tomorrow. We did all the boring stuff that we put off the whole weekend- because it was too beautiful to be indoors.

On Saturday, Sissy drove us to the battlefield near the gardens. We parked near the start of one of the hiking trails & we could see the opposite end of the gardens of where you are...heading toward that direction. But it took us a different way in the end.

It was just a beautiful sunny day, my mouse. I needed to be out & breathe some fresh air. Just like when my first mother's day without you...nature called me to go out to the river....& we saw our first Haileyfly- that followed our little boat for more than a mile down the river...

It was calling me again, to go walking with your sisters...in the middle of no where. Just us, trees fields & sky. There was even a nice breeze too.

It's almost the same feeling as watching the sunset or sunrise....there's something about it that makes me feel closer to God, closer to you.

It's my church.

 

The great part is that your sisters enjoyed it too. Of course poor Daddy was working.

I'm trying to be grateful my mouse, for what we do have. I silently promised you that, when I was walking out there...breathing in the fresh air, feeling the sun on my face, the breeze in my hair...

Half feeling sorry & bad that you couldn't enjoy it with us. But then I realized you were. I told myself you were.

Because I could feel you by my side & in my heart...& I knew that you were able to enjoy so much more being up there in Heaven. So much more than we could ever imagine.

I promised you I would live for the both of us, down here.

It's a tall order, but I will try my best. But God, please give me strength.

Because I still miss you.

Everyday, every second.

I love you my sweet girl.

Wait for me, ok?

Always & forever,
Your mommy

~

Little Wing

Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
The softest cloud, the whitest dove
Upon the wind of heaven’s love
Past the planets and the stars
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape the sorrow and the pain
and fly again.

Fly, fly precious one
Your endless journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness
Far to beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
There is peace forevermore
But hold this mem’ry bittersweet
Until we meet.

Fly, fly do not fear
Don’t waste a breath, don’t shed a tear
Your heart is pure, your soul is free
Be on your way, don’t wait for me
Above the universe you’ll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set
But I won’t forget

Fly, fly little wing
Fly where only angels sing
Fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light

Written by: Jean-Jacques Goldman and Phil Galdston
Sung by: Celine Dion

Mouse,

We have a meeting on March 7th with AAP! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

:)

I love you.

Fighting for hope

Dear Baby girl,

Today I finally heard back:

Debbie and Vanessa,

I apologize for not getting back to you two sooner.  Dr. xxx the President of the AAP has expressed an interest in joining our meeting, so once I get dates from him (hopefully today)I will share them with you two to check your availability.

Thanks,
Jane
...

I had almost given up- disheartened after not hearing anything back yet again for another couple of weeks. I told Debbie I was going to try maybe once more but then step back because of the emotional connection I have with this project & I was feeling too frustrated & disappointed.

She reassured me & told me not to lose hope. She followed up with Jane herself & we got this reply today.

...

Not to lose hope.

It's almost like I have to repeat this everyday, my mouse.

To not lose hope. To not give up on life.

To not let your passing define you or your life...to not let it define us.

Easier said, that's for sure.

Your absence is felt every single second. The reminders of what happened every time we turn the TV on & they have a diabetes commercial, or watch a movie or hear a song about dying or death. It's all around us.

We have to fight for hope every single day.
...



Gorgeous haired mouse. Always wanting to
straighten that beautiful wavy hair. <3

No, we should never let ourselves be defined by our weaknesses or our tragedies...life can be so much more. But we have to fight...we have to try...to see the good...everyday.

When I look at you & your sisters & I always think- did I really do that? Did we really create these beautiful smart girls? I used to think that when you were babies lying in your cribs, as you were sleeping peacefully.

Then as you got older & started to talk & walk & show your own personalities.

And now, as I recall all our wonderful memories. I look at you & your beautiful smile & remember the words that another bereaved mom; Sara, said when she first saw your picture.

She said looking at your smile told her you were happy & loved. 

And you were my mouse.

And you are still...

...

If I have to be defined by anything- I just wanted it to be that. All along I just wanted to try my best in raising you girls & giving you a better life.

After you passed, I thought I failed- big time. Nothing could of convinced me otherwise.

But then we saw our first rainbow, then Hailey-flies, then all the other signs...

It gave us hope.

I had to weed the bad memories that were mixed in with the good. Recalling the good ones reminded me of all the love we had. All the good we did.

I can look at them proudly & say, yes we did that.

I would like nothing more to be defined by that.

<3

Continuing with this awareness project will further define your beautiful life my little girl. It will give hope & save other lives.

It will show how much your beautiful life impacted us & that it didn't end when you passed. It will show how much love & strength you left with the ones that love you. That you still continue to guide us...

It will show that hope is still fighting for.

Always & forever,
Your mommy

 

Valentine's Day memories

My mouse,

Memories become so precious when you've lost someone...& there are so many of you that I don't want to forget. That I'm afraid I will forget. When memories are all we have left, they become that much more precious. That was one of the reasons I started this blog...

Thinking about V-day, so many bring to mind. Many that make me smile.

Like all those years of crazy craft-making Valentine's. The heart stickers, construction paper heart cut-outs, glitter glue, paint, markers, crayons, stamps...you name it. You girls would love it. You would mail them out to grandma & your cousins. They even got into it with you one year they visited.

I can see you all clearly. Sitting & standing on stools by the kitchen island at the old house in Bristow....busy making crafts galore...

...

Another tradition was to let you girls pick out your Valentine day "prize", since it usually came around report card time.

You would usually choose a dress & Bella would be right behind you. One year you fell in love with a pair of shiny orangie/red high healed wedged sandals at the Payless in Fair Oaks Mall. I said no because they were too high & they were not appropriate for your age. I think you didn't talk to me for a week.

You were so mad. Of course you didn't forget. You begged & begged, promising not to wear them to school or in public. That you would just wear them when you & Bella played "Alina" or teacher. :)

That it was your "prize" & you wanted nothing else.

So finally I gave in.

I had to admit how cute they looked on you. How I wished I could pull off a pair of high wedged sandals like that. :)

...

Spring 2014. You girls wearing your Valentine Day gifts. <3

...

I will probably cry tomorrow my angel. Wishing I could kiss & hug you on Valentine's Day. Wondering what your prize would of been. Another dress or pair of cute shoes, no doubt.

Dropping off a little something at the gardens...wishing you a Happy Valentine's Day, in heaven. <3

I love you with all my heart.

Forever,
Your mommy

~

Ups & downs

My dear Hailey,

Your sisters thought they'd get their first snow day today, but no...no snow. I was kind of hoping for a snow day too. It feels weird for it to be almost mid-February already & not have had at least one good snowfall. I've lived here almost all my life & that's never happened.

You girls always loved the snow. Specially you & Bella. So many memories of you going sledding at the old house with Juno, then the apartments, then here just a few houses away. The year we found out Bella is allergic to cold! Remember that? When her hands got so swollen & red I called the doctor & she had her tested, & sure enough...

But that never stopped her did it? Not even now. I just make sure she's wearing extra layers & extra warm gloves.

...

I didn't finish telling you when I last wrote about my episode with the gardens. Of why I was so upset...

We went by on Sunday to say hi & your flowers were gone with your vase turned in, upside down. It was yours & several others around yours...

There was a tarp set up just above- the ones they normally use during a service. They had one for yours too. It looked like they removed all the flowers for the service, to maybe place chairs around, etc. I wasn't happy, but I figured they'd put the flowers back in a few days. I went by there Monday to check again & still no flowers.

I went by the office to ask & they were clueless about where your flowers were. I spoke to a manager who walked out there with me so I could show her...she even agreed that they were probably removed for the service, but had no answer as to what happened to them afterwards. This made me upset because it's not the first time. This is the 4th or 5th time that your flowers have disappeared.

I let my emotions get away from me & told her how unfair it is that we paid over 4 thousand dollars for a spot where I can't even keep flowers for you...that the flowers themselves are expensive, because I only use the best kind...but what's worse is to visit you & see your grave empty.

I asked her if she could understand why I was so upset? That it's fine to have removed them for the service, but to not have a policy in place where they replace them once their done is just wrong. To just throw them out like that (because I'm sure that's what they did.)...is wrong.

That I come every week to visit you & I know for a fact that the others around you also had flowers & sentimental ornaments & just imagine how their loved ones will feel when they visit & see it all gone too?

Oh my mouse, I held it until I got to my car & just let it out burst out. Rocky... who was sleeping in the back seat jumped up & came to sit by me wondering what was wrong. I wonder if you were watching...

I just couldn't help it. I was mad your flowers were gone. I was mad to have to complain about them. I was mad that you were there. I was mad that I have to go there just to visit you...when you should be here. With me.

It all just came up and overflowed....I came close to having another anxiety attack, like I did in the beginning. :(

...

Daddy went by there the next day & saw they replaced it with a beautiful bouquet of spring flowers. He took a picture to show me. The lady left a message telling me they had...after having maintenance check the dumpsters & not being able to find your purple arrangement.

I couldn't call her back. I just sat in there breathing in silence. Just me & my pain.

Then your sisters came home & you know how their day went...having their bad days too.

Life is so just unfair & it's tiring to keep fighting sometimes, baby girl. We all do our best, but some days it's enough that we got through a single day with no worries or tears.

...

Btw- as I was writing this, is started to snow & Sissy came home. It stuck to the grass & cars but not the street. She's still holding out for a day off tomorrow, or at least a delay. ;)

I hope that next time I write I will have more happy news, my sweet girl.

We miss & love you everyday.

Love always,
Mommy <3

P.S. Actually I can think of two happy things baby girl. Yesterday it was so nice we grilled steaks. First time using the grill this year. We lit a candle for you during dinner, because our family dinners could not be complete without you.

Also, this morning, feeling sorry for Kayla for not having a snow day- I woke up extra early & made a nice breakfast. Daddy & Bella woke up too & we had all ate together before 6am (Sissy's bus comes at 6:30). Then she drove to the bus stop. She's been getting all the practice she can. :)

I love our family, my mouse. And you are still a part of it no matter what. You are still part of us.

~

Beautiful bond

My sweet girl,

It's been a tough last couple of days, but worse today. Both Bella & Sissy had bad days at school, after being reminded....

Bella's counselor called to tell me Bella was in her office, really upset because of a writing assignment that was prompted during class- "The best or worst day of my life." It triggered a wave of grief that had her crying for a while & she asked if I wanted to pick her up. Of course I did, so I got her right away...trying my hardest not to have a breakdown myself. But the tears escaped anyway...

Then later Sissy came home & as I was telling her about Bella, she told me about her bad day too. Her Health class showed a video of several people passing away due to different diseases. One of them was an 11 year old boy...

You know Sissy doesn't show her emotions too much...so it broke my heart to see her cry. I hugged her as hard as I could, just like I did Bella. Wishing I could make the pain go away, wishing I could to make them feel better in some kind of way....

But the only way I know how...is just to hold them & cry with them. To tell them how much I love them. How proud I am of them, & how you are too.

I tell them that unfortunately, they will have bad days. That grief will make a surprise visit when we least expect it...even when we try our hardest to make it go away. On those days, it's ok to cry. It's ok to be silent or scream. It's ok to want to get away or not...

It's ok...because there are no rules to grieving. That as long as they take care of themselves & rest afterwards...physically & emotionally.

...

My mouse, this is so hard. I hate it. I hate this feeling of helplessness & despair. What we went through is hard. Having you gone is hard. Missing you is so hard...

And what can we do but just continue to do what we have been doing....to have hope that everything will be ok. To continue to rely on the love & support from each other & all our loved ones. To cherish all the beautiful memories we had with you. To be grateful for the gift of knowing you & loving you...of being a part of your life.

To hope that we will see each other again.

...

What is the alternative? To hate? To rage? To hate what's happened & hate that we can't do anything about it? To hate this life & not want to go on living it? To curse God for what he let happen...for his "plan"? For his "reasons"?

Yes, I have. I have felt all those things. I've been in that dark place. How can one not? I think it's only natural & maybe even ok too...for just moments at a time. But not to fester in those feelings. To not get stuck in that darkness...in that hopeless place.

While it's hard to fight your way out, I think it would be much harder to live there permanently, baby girl.

Like that one quote says:

"I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear." - Martin Luther King, Jr

I think it's so true my mouse.
...

I curse at the universe sometimes, but I also beg for strength to go on.

I ask it to take the last of my happiness if needed; in exchange for your sisters' happiness. Just like I asked it to take my life instead of yours...

While I have some peace knowing I will see you again one day...I also know that your sisters have a longer road on this grief journey than me & it just erases that little bit of peace.

I hope that's not the case my angel. I hope that they heal faster & better than me & that the waves of grief soften over time.

...

I reminded your sisters of how beautiful the bond is that you all have with each other. 

That not everyone gets to experience it in this lifetime. That it's truly a wonderful gift.

That even though it hurts because you aren't physically here anymore; that bond still exists & nothing will ever, ever be able to break it.

And we all agree our beautiful Hailey, that if we were first given a choice to have you in our lives, even if for just a little while...than to never know you at all...

We choose you. We would choose you a million times over. To know you, to love you, to share our souls with you...our beautiful angel.

And the truth is you are not really lost to us. You are in our hearts, our minds & our souls.

If we close our eyes, you are one memory away. If we look up at the sky, you are in the sun, in the clouds & in the rain.

You are everywhere baby girl. You are in everything beautiful.

We love you, so so much.

Please look after your sisters if you can. <3

Always & forever,
Your mommy

Purple red velvet

My beautiful girl,

Today we went to Madeline's & the girls made Red Velvet cupcakes & Rocky Road fudge. Without any of the adults saying anything they all agreed to make purple icing...for you. <3

It was about the only thing they could agree on the whole time. :)


(I'll have to post the picture later, the site isn't working right now).

We miss you little girl.

We heard your song (see you again) on the way to Madeline's & the car got quiet with you on our mind...I told your sister it was you sending a sign to let us know you'd be at Alina's in spirit. She missed you anyway.

It's a new month. I still haven't heard back from AAP...Debbie says not to worry that we will prevail.

I don't have the energy to worry my angel.

I have to be at work early tomorrow...so I better get to sleep.

I love & miss you so much. I wish I could hug and kiss you.

Your mommy <3

Little mouse

Little mouse,

This is one of my favorite pictures of you. You got this top for your birthday (I think from Auntie Or Papi) & it was your favorite for a long time.

You wore it until it had holes & stains, until it barely fit you.

In this picture you are pulling a wagon & your arms are behind your back.

Always smiling. Those beautiful soft curls.  Those little baby teeth...

My little mouse.

You are in my heart forever.

Love,
Mommy <3

~

I don't mean to. I try not to.