May is right around the corner & I was thinking about your birthday. What you would have me planning right about now. How excited you would be- to be turning 13.
Today I was calling your sisters to walk Rocky. I was sitting on the couch in the living room, calling out, "Bella! Hailey!...." then I stopped myself. It's the first time I've done that. Not on purpose of course- out of habit. But one I haven't done in two years...
I sat there in silence for a few minutes as my heart reminded my mind that I wouldn't be hearing an answer.
...
Then today, as I was cleaning out the garage for the bake & yard sale...I found a few things of yours. Your princess castle I bought you for Christmas. Your old red water bottle. Your Lego's. A fortune teller, that you used to make out of paper all the time...
Bella found a purple & black panda bear you made out of rainbow looms.
I couldn't give or throw any of it away. I stored them in a box, except for the fortune teller & panda. They're in my purse, so I can have something of yours always close.
...
The same thing when I was cleaning & re-arranging my room to make space for my little office area...I came across several things of yours that I haven't had the heart to pack away or get rid of.
Your black suede boots are still in my closet. The loner socks that were in the laundry basket for months, which I knew belonged to you...I put in my sock drawer. Your notebook, markers & pencils that were on my nightstand, the two big bags of notebooks & things from school, from your desk, that were given to me by Mrs. S those last days of school...
It breaks my heart again & again. A reminder that you're never coming back home again. It makes me so sad my little girl.
...
Finding these things & going through them- deciding what to do with them is excruciating.
I can't imagine what it would be like if or when we have to ever move- I don't want to. I wish we didn't have to.
That's the decision we made (Daddy & I) when this whole work from home thing came up- as I talked to him about where I would put my "office". The idea passed of Bella moving to your room & me having my office there. But the idea passed quickly my mouse, because we are just not ready for that.
It would be too painful. I feel too disrespectful. It just wouldn't feel right.
...
I still go to your room when I want to feel you close. To smell your purple North face jacket. I was sitting on your bed when I spoke to the medium over the phone. I felt like I would feel the truth sitting there...
This is what I hate most.
It's not only the missing you, which we do every second of the day. It's the reminder that you are not coming back.
You see in some instances, during those happier moments- like us watching Bella sell her cookies & pink lemonade this morning...we are smiling, we are happy & proud. We almost forget.
Then something happens to bring us back to our reality- like finding the toys or remembering the lemonade stand you girls had years ago....to know we can never go back to that day, to those happier times where things felt more...complete.
...
Then we get stuck there sometimes; in that unhappy, dark place where grief sends us too each time. It's work to get out baby girl. But we do try.
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| Bella made over $20 by herself. Sissy had to work & made her own too. <3 |
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| If I remember you girls made more than our yard sale too that day. <3 |
We love & miss you every single day.
We keep you close in every way you can imagine & I know you can see.
Good night my sweet girl.
I love you to the moon & around the universe.
Forever,
Your mommy
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