Work

Dear Hailey,

I'm sorry I haven't had the chance to write these last few days. I've been busy trying to set up my new little office area. As of next week, I'll start working from home.

I have mixed feelings about it, but I'm going to try it out. I was apprehensive when they started to offer the work-from-home positions, sometime last year. I knew that work was keeping me busy in a good way. The routine of having another reason to get up in the morning, of showering, of getting ready to go out & face the world...

I can't complain of the way I was treated. In the beginning, I was given leave for almost a month & a half (more if I would of requested it); which I've learned is not a given at all work places. They were helpful in letting me ease back into my work routine; accommodating me in the littlest things (like putting me in training mode for the first week then letting me sit next to Cecilia for the first few months). I was even able to apply for FMLA (family medical leave act) for the first year...due to my grief, depression & anxiety attacks. :(

I remember the doctor saying, "There will be days when grief will hit so hard, you won't be able to get out of bed." She was right.

Those are the days in which I wrote to you the most.
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I've been lucky in so many ways, my angel. I know many bereaved parents that didn't have those options. Many lost their jobs & more...

But as usual, nothing lasts forever. I don't have FMLA anymore. I'm not offered time off to grieve any longer (last year on the first anniversary, I was offered the entire week off). I have to now ask for days off using personal or vacation time.

But maybe the worst of it- is that I feel like a ghost there sometimes. Like I've lost my identity.

Partly, it's my fault.

I read an article today that somewhat explains it:

'Just Show Up': Sheryl Sandberg On How To Help Someone Who's Grieving https://n.pr/2peFboT
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Sadly, I can relate to the a lot of it baby girl. The feeling like a ghost, "the elephant in the room"...

I say it's partly my fault because I was very quiet at first, kept mostly to myself. Only spoke to a select few. I just couldn't handle talking about it at work, because I was so afraid of having a breakdown.

One of the keys to my survival- was being able to compartmentalize my life. I had to keep work & home separate. I wouldn't be able to handle it any other way...

So unintentionally I unfriended myself from many co-workers, by ignoring them. Specially the ones who would approach me & try & ask me questions in the beginning. I didn't speak, I didn't smile, I didn't do much except do my job & leave.

Not much has changed since then my mouse. 

Not only am I not the person I used to be; I'm the exact opposite. I'm now the "Mom who lost a child."

Forever changed; forever broken. :(
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There are a few who follow me on Facebook that know me a little better; that I let into my personal life...

But for the most part, I'm the ghost who quietly comes in & works part-time, clocks in, does my job & leaves. In between I get the polite smiles, the "I feel so sorry for you" looks, the judgmental nods, from the long-timers & the wondering stares from the newbies...

It's become a very robotic way of life baby girl. :(

I sometimes wish I could quit & start fresh somewhere new. Somewhere where I don't have to be the one everyone feels sorry for; the bereaved mother.

But I am & always will be. No matter where I go.
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So I'm going to try this working from home thing. Hoping it doesn't drive me crazier. ;)

At least I don't have to worry if my face shows I've had a long night, or cried on my way to work because of grief. I don't have to wear my "pretend mask" on the outside as often, which can get so exhausting.

At least, I can look from my work desk- outside my bedroom window above the deck; to the backyard where I've seen many sunrises, sunsets & rainbows...& know that you are somewhere out there looking after us. If not right by my side, where you would always be.

My ray of sunshine. My sweet angel.

As each day passes, I know I'm one day closer to seeing you again.

Until then, I send you millions of hugs & kisses.

Until, it's for all eternity.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy <3