You've been on my mind most of the day. I was off the past two days & was supposed to be off today, but I signed up to work some extra hours. That kept my mind off for a little while...
I don't know if it's the gloomy rainy weather, another month ending or what. Maybe it's the just missing you, like I always do, but more so today.
But the beautiful upside to the rain is another rainbow that appeared today:
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| Hi my angel. |
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This is going to be a busy couple of weeks. Tomorrow Bella has her last strings recital. Then the next day Daddy & I are going to an awards assembly during school to watch Bella win an award & make a speech. She was chosen by her teacher for student of the year. :) We are all so happy & proud of her. Daddy switched around an appointment he had so he could make it.
Then next week she has her last field trip- the same one you missed after Bolivia. :( As always, I try not to think about it but I just can't help it. Then it's her 5th grade picnic & graduation. She will officially be a middle schooler in just a few weeks...charting new territory that you never had a chance to.
I'm sorry baby girl. It just pains me. The grief starts to bubble up inside me & it just comes pouring out, with no way to stop it.
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Today I ran across a post on FB- a video actually where a "grief expert" talks about both grief & joy. How we humans try & separate both, but how they are actually intertwined. How we are told & taught to suppress our pain & "place it in a box, with a lid on top", but how we should actually open the lid to let the pain out.
That we can't feel the joy without feeling the pain too.
How we actually live with both. We can learn how.
https://optionb.org/build-resilience/video/beyond-closure
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It made sense to me. It explained much of what I've been feeling lately- not really knowing how or why.
Everyday we experience grief & almost everyday we experience joy. Even in the slightest form; a hot cup of coffee in the morning, a morning walk with Rocky or an ice cream cone in the afternoon. Big joys too- like watching Daddy recover from his disease, watching your sisters progress & move forward, our Haileyflies & rainbows. <3
There was a time I thought we could never feel joy again. When we started to- slowly but surely, we started to feel guilty about it too. How could we feel happy after losing you? Should we be? Is it ok to be? Those are the questions that plagued us.
In the video she explains that it is ok to feel joy again...& still feel grief too. That it's normal. That it doesn't have to be one or the other & that it's actually healing to do so.
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So there will be rainy sad gloomy days.
There will be joyous ones too.
Some days will be both.
Such is life.
But grief will reside in all days...
And that may be ok. As long as we are still healing, growing & learning....
Most importantly- loving.
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So if you see your mommy crying during Bella's recital & graduation:
They will be tears of both grief & joy; both intertwined.
For you. And her.
I love you my angel.
Forever & ever,
Your Mommy <3
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