Superpowers

My sweet girl,

If I had one superpower, I'd choose to be able to manipulate time. To go back in time, to stop or freeze time...to make it move faster or slower.

The days seem to be flying by. Sometimes that's ok because I know each day gone brings me one day closer to you. Sometimes I wish the days would slow down so I could have more time to reflect, more time to absorb, more time to just be rather than just do.

More time to think of you.
...

I always think of you. But I can't always just stop to go visit the gardens, or a garden, or the beach, or the mountains or even church; to feel one with you. There is a difference. When this happens my missing you intensifies & it gets hard to breathe.

I've noticed that now when things get too busy or too overwhelming I shut down, where before I'd just refuel somehow & keep going in full force.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I lost the superpower I had before- of being a super mom, super wife & super woman.

I don't know if I'll ever get it back. Maybe I don't want to. Maybe I can't.

Maybe that's what they mean when people say, "A part of me died too..."
...

But in return some of us gain something too. Something else is born. A different kind of superpower.

The kind that makes me stop & breath in the scent of fresh air or fresh flowers. Notice the birds & the butterflies.
The kind that makes me look up in the sky with great wonder & belief & hope. Closing my eyes to absorb the sweet sun or stare at the twinkling of the stars.

The kind that connects my soul to yours in a way I cannot explain in those exact moments; while looking up & wishing on a star. Watching a glorious sunrise in the distance. Focusing on that one brightest star in the sky...watching a beautiful butterfly fluttering & twirling...at church in total silence in prayer...on top of a secluded mountain, just us & our thoughts of you.

Gaining this super power has saved me. It helps keep the rest of me alive.

Maybe it's ok that I lost my old one of being "super woman".

That's what grief does after all. It strips you down to pure humility. There is something beautiful about it, something to appreciate after all.

It's not the first choice anyone would make babygirl. But it's the aftermath...
...

So I'm learning to balance as I go. To use this new superpower. To stop & breath even on the busy days. To always make time for a sunrise or a sunset or a night sky. To stop & breath under the sun or rain. To look for you & to feel you close to me...even if for a minute each day.

But a long long minute. A minute with the deepest meaning, love & affection. The minute I need to help me live out the next thousand minutes...

So minutes don't turn into hours, turn into days without at least one hello.

You are forever in my heart. My sweet Hailey. My daughter. My mouse.

I love & miss you every single moment of my life.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy <3