Adventures

My sweet Haileymouse,

It has been just a little over a week that your sisters have been out of school. I guess you can say summer is in full swing now; the heat, humidity, pool, barbeques...our long hot sweaty walks with Rocky.

Things have calmed down a little. Working from home helps now that I don't have the anxiety of leaving your sisters home alone & don't have to waist time on commuting. They get to sleep in & walk Rocky before I get off work, so I don't have to anymore. But sometimes I still do, just to get the exercise. I know I need it, both physically & mentally.

Bella begs either me or Daddy to take her to the pool, usually with Daniella & Natalia (because Sissy isn't a fan). I don't mind picking them up because even though they are not you...they are the next best thing. They have gotten real close these last couple years. Like sisters; like how you used to be...they laugh, play, fight, & laugh & play some more. I don't mind the noise. It's the silence I mind more.

Except in the hours when it's just me & you. When I write you these letters, when I'm out with Rocky looking up at the sky, watching the sunset walking back to the house on the main road...or when I catch a sight of a Haileyfly:

These moments I cherish.

They are my church.
...

I meant to tell you that I saw Carly & Dom at Bella's graduation. It's been a while since I've seen Dom & he got so tall, so handsome! He was wearing a light purple (lavender) shirt & bowtie. :)

Carly looks so pretty too, not a little girl anymore but a young lady. I love running into her, every time she gives me the warmest hugs & I feel a little bit of you. <3

I love them both, their families too. They will always have a place in my heart.

The graduation wasn't as bad as I feared too my mouse. Even though the ache in my heart was present as ever, I knew you were there smiling & cheering your sister on. My pride in her quickly took over & I was able to smile.

At the graduation- you can tell by this pic who likes to
go to the pool & who doesn't. :)

Your sister got the President's award (for all A's), Safety Patrol
& diploma.

She also played your violin in the beginning of theceremony. I don't know if she will be able to use it
next year or if she'll outgrow it, but either way we
will keep it forever.

...

As you can tell, Bella is getting so tall too. She hugged me yesterday & she's already my height. Her hug was at my arm level. It made me think of your big bear hugs, how they used to be at my waist level...it made me wonder if you'd be taller than me too by now. Leaving me behind like your sisters.

If you'd still be giving me those bear hugs, but at arm level too...

I mentioned it today when we went to visit you at the gardens & then Bella turned to give me a big bear hug & squeezed me so hard I couldn't breath. :)

Everyone keeps growing my mouse. And you will forever be 10 years old. :(
...

Auntie Zulen sent me a message a few weeks ago telling me she had a dream of you & your image was older. She somehow tried & managed to recreate the image she saw & sent it to me. I was amazed in wonderment...

The same angel face & hair but somehow a little bit older & taller, more sophisticated. Still beautiful. Oh baby girl, it's exactly what I would of pictured you to look like. <3

Then just this past week, there was talk from my one grieving groups from some parents who used a service that's called "photo progression" or "age progression", where they used their children's photos to project what they would of looked like as they got older. From reading all the comments, its seems like most were disappointed. Either it wasn't what they expected or it was too painful for them to realize the reality of it....that we as parents can only guess & wonder. That we will continue to always guess & wonder...

What can I say baby girl other than I try as hard as I can not to dwell on these thoughts, because I already know how easy it is to be consumed by them.

All I know is my image of you will never change. My beautiful sweet smiling girl, shining ever so bright. <3

But I did appreciate Auntie Zulen letting me know & taking the time to share that with me. It's just like the image of you as a mermaid that I will never forget.

I know you are always watching over them too.
...

A couple more things my mouse. They cut Sissy's hours at work down to almost nothing (due to a lot of college kids back home for the summer), so she applied to one of your most favorite stores & she got the job. :)

Speaking of mermaids, they have mermaid stuff now more than ever. Even mermaid birthday party themed sets. Every time we visit, we always think of you.

Bella is happy too of course, because of Sissy's employee discount. ;)

I'm proud of Sissy for taking the chance, for doing great at her interview, for her maturity & taking responsibility...

She's learning so many things now that she's been working. Some good things, some not so good. About how hard it can be, but also rewarding (when she sees her paychecks). About the value of things. About how harsh people can be, how tiring work can be...

But none of that has stopped her from wanting to go forward. She could easily quit but she hasn't, so I'm proud baby girl. Unfortunately that is life. She still has so much to learn, but one step at a time. I will always be there along the way, if she lets me.
...

Last thing, Bella cut her hair really short today. :0

I think she looks cute, but she doesn't like it very much. I told her she just needs to get used to it. She was looking for a bold change; something new. But I don't think it's what she expected. She didn't even let me take a picture of it. :(

It made me laugh today thinking of the time she was really little & decided to give herself & Juno a haircut. Coming home & finding trails of hair from the front door to the living room- hers & the dogs. She looked like Joan Jett for months.

I even had a picture saved on my phone from "FB memories" the other day. :)

It was the best the lady at the hair cuttery could do at the time.
She doesn't have the bangs this time, & a couple inches shorter.
~ I love this memory. Our favorite Chinese place,
on a dinner date with my girls. ~

It's adorable, even Daddy said so & you know he's not a fan of short hair...
...

Oh my angel. To have all these new adventures without you. Even the smallest ones. Makes me miss you even more.

To tell you about them through these letters & through my prayers.

I wonder if it will ever feel "right" or "normal".

But for now, it's all I have. All I can do.

And I know through it all, I know you are looking down.

And you are here, existing in our hearts...

Always, always in our hearts.

We love you & we miss you.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy <3