Broken record

Dear Hailey,

Another month ending & another holiday approaching. The usual immense feeling of nostalgia has begun creeping up on me.

I try not to sound like my mom- who's sadly stuck in the past, who sadly talks about nothing else, who lives in a constant state of nostalgia...

I try to listen to my own advice to her; to not think about the past so much. That unfortunately we can't change it. That we should make new goals for ourselves & look ahead in the future...

That was the advice I would give her- before.

She would always commend me for being so "positive". She would always say, "I wish I could be more like you." But now I feel as though we are more the same than ever.
...

I don't want to be stuck in the past my mouse. I don't want to sound like a broken record or live in a constant state of nostalgia. But the fact is that I think I always will.

Because the past is where I was most happy- where you still exist. I will always feel nostalgic, because I will always miss you. Because our memories are so precious, I will always play them over & over in my head. Like a broken record.
...

There is small solace in that I haven't yet recorded every memory of us together. I plan to here; here. In small excerpts, I want to remember every moment...

Because each small excerpt belongs to a larger timeline in our lives- the best & most beautiful times.

I can go back to every memory & recall every feeling & for a brief moment, I'm transported back. For a brief moment, I'm happy again.

Maybe in this instance, it's ok to be a broken record. If you're only playing your favorite parts...

This is one of those times:



4th of July memory- 4 years ago. Got a good spot on the beach
waiting for the fireworks. Point Pleasant, NJ









I can still smell the ocean & feel the sand in our toes, the cool breezy wind in our hair. I see the sky darkening & all the boats lining up on the water right by the shore, so they could get a good glimpse too. The beach crowding around us with other families, the excitement building in the air. The fireworks finally come & they are amazing- right above our heads, the biggest I've ever seen.

I look over & see your faces looking up, in awe, eyes smiling...and think to myself. This is it. This must be what life is all about. <3