Dreams

My little girl,

I miss you so much. Some days I can still go on missing you & continue with the day...the tears stay away & I can manage to still breath. But some days I can't.

It's been harder to breath these last few days.

I was telling you this last night as I said goodnight, as I do every night. Then this morning I woke with images of your smiling face, thanks to a dream I had of you. As usual, you are younger in most of my dreams. You had half of your hair up with curly bangs in the front...

You were your sweet, silly, funny, smiley self.

What I remember of the dream, is first we were on rafts floating on some kind of river, like a lazy river. We were all separated & I found your sisters first, one by one. I asked where you were, if they'd seen you. We kept on rapidly floating on until I finally spotted you. You were standing in the water, waist deep, surrounded by a bunch of little kids just playing away.

I shouted your name to get your attention & you looked up smiling; your happy & playful self.

I told you to come over to my raft & lifted you up. I asked where you were, why didn't answer your phone. You took it out of your pocket & it was wet & muddy & you laughed, answering that it wasn't working because it was wet.

Next thing I remember we were in a small store, shopping for a new phone & you were smiling ear to ear because you were getting a new phone...

Then my alarm woke me up & that was the last thing I remember.
...

I don't know if it means anything, but no matter it's always a gift to see you in them. Specially when you are smiling & happy, just the way I always remember you to be.

But the truth is, I rather you be here with me. You should be here with me...

I don't know if its ever going to be okay that you are not. That's the hard pill to swallow baby girl. To have to rely on only dreams & memories when every part of me is calling out for you.

These are the moments I hate the most. But I'm trying not to hate...I don't have room for it.

I'm also trying to remember what Bella's therapist said; You will have the bad days when you feel as if you've been knocked down. It's ok. The important thing is to pull yourself back up.

I'm still on the floor, but I'm trying to get back up.

I love you my sweet girl.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy