If only they knew

Dear Hailey,

This week has made me realize that grief can come back whenever, with a vengeance. That even though the waves may lessen over time, they can still return with such a force; like of a tsunami...& the tears don't just go away; they build up inside going unnoticed overtime & can be called back in an instant, pouring out continuously with every beat of our broken hearts.

This is how I'm feeling tonight & the reason I can't sleep. Even though I should, because I have work tomorrow, but I just can't.
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Where do I begin my mouse?

To start, if your watching, I know you saw how hard this week was for your sister. That even though she was with your cousins in Jersey, it affected her not having both you & Kayla there.

I agreed to let her go because I thought it would be good for her. She's been struggling all summer being alone sometimes when Sissy goes to work or when she's out with her friends. Even though I try to keep her busy by taking her places like the pool or having Daniella & Natalia over to keep her company...during those times she's happy, but it's always after...after they leave, those in-between times when me or Daddy or Sissy are working...in those moments of silence she thinks of you. During those few hours in between...she's reminded & gets sad missing you. :(

I can relate. :(
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I guess I should of known that being there wouldn't be any different, but it surprised me when she met us at the door with true sad heartfelt tears in her eyes & had a sort of a breakdown later. :(

All she kept saying was, "It's just not the same. It's never the same."

It broke my already shattered heart into even more little pieces...

All I could say in return is, "I know, I know. I'm sorry. It's ok. I love you." & let her cry it out.

Sometimes that is all we can do.
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We thought she was doing so much better last month baby girl. She had her last session with the Dr....after several months of sessions. The doctor said she was improving so much that she didn't think she needed any more for the time being. To check in after the summer break...I guess we need to check in sooner.

It's hard my angel. I can't quit my job to devote every hour to her, even if I could I don't think that would be healthy either. It's not realistic. I try my best but I won't always be able to make her "forget".

Even though there are some who would like us to.
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I only mentioned what happened to Daddy & Sissy. Not even to the family up there because I didn't want them to think she had a bad time or that it was their fault, because she didn't & it wasn't. It's just that she misses you.

Maybe too, it's because our grief is not something we talk openly or too often about with them. Or anyone these days for that matter...just each other. Or here- for me.

But every now & then I post something on Facebook, knowing that it makes people uncomfortable. I get it, it makes me feel "uncomfortable" too. FB memories can be a blessing & a curse. It can bring me the biggest smiles & also the greatest pain. I understand all that & I don't expect others to be on the same page...
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But today my mouse, it really hurt when my Tia Patty commented on a picture of you I posted that came up on my FB memories...

She said in Spanish that I should "let you rest in peace already." I could hear her tone as I read it as frustrated & upset one....like "why do you keep posting her pictures? that's enough already. leave her alone..."

Needless to say, I was so upset. I tried not to let it ruin my day. After all, I have heard this before from both my mom & dad's side of the family. However, it was put more nicely at first, like "Hijita, mamacita...your beautiful angel is in Heaven now, let her go, let her be with God, let her rest in peace..."

I got that. They mean well. They're trying to help.

But then came that first blow last Christmas when Bella started crying as they were passing out gifts & after we included a framed picture of you in our family pictures...

"They still can't forget? When are they going to get over it?" Tia Cuqui in Spanish. Asking my dad this as she's watching Bella crying & clutching on to me, thinking I couldn't hear & that Sissy couldn't understand her.

I couldn't help but turn around & say, "How long do you think it would take you Tia, if it was your child or your brother?"...then watched her as her chin hit the floor & choke up some dumb response like "Oh, of course! I understand" blah blah blah...

Oh my mouse. The hurt I felt that day and many days after I relived today with my other Tia's comment. I felt like I was being chastised for opening my heart out...for sharing my pain & happiness to the world.

For the pain of losing you, but happiness that you were mine to begin with.

And not really to the world. To just the people I thought to be family & friends. Which stings the most.
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My heart. This is the pic I shared.

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I'm done baby girl. I'm tired.

I'm done with trying to so hard with people who aren't worth it.

I deleted her & my cousin from FB who friended me only to be nosy & report everything back to my mom anyway. From what I've heard when I talk to her, they also show her things which they shouldn't because of my mom's mental state & they know better...
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If only they knew.

If only they knew my pain. Or how much strength it takes for me to muster each day just to get out of bed, to continue living without you....if only they knew.

If only they knew all of our pain- the pain in my sister's eyes, my brother who says he's still so traumatized it's hard for him to step inside a hospital, my dad who can't say your name without getting choked up, the kids, Ayde...everyone...

If only they knew what it was like to hold your sister & watch her cry because she's heartbroken & feel utterly helpless.

To not be able to hold you in the same way. Anymore. Ever. Until I see you again in Heaven.

If only they knew...

But I don't want them to know. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Not even my worst enemy.

Like Uncle Mikey said, God forbid the day comes when grief comes to them...

I hope no one tells them to get over it or forget.

I hope instead someone is there waiting with their arms wide open.
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Please visit your sister in her dreams if you can my angel.

Please ask God to comfort her- to comfort all of us.

Like Uncle Mikey said- We know you are in a magnificent place. By the signs that you & God send, we know that you are not only resting in peace, you are doing great things up there & down here too our angel.

I will never stop speaking your name. I will never stop loving or remembering you.

Forever & ever,
You are mine & I am yours.
Love, Mommy

Saw these today & thought of you.

Made this for Valeria with her play-doe. She knows
you're an angel.