More memories

My Sweet Haileymouse,

These last couple of weeks have been busy. We've been trying to enjoy this last month of summer while also trying to get the important things done.

Last week we went to the waterpark at the same park where Dylan's birthday was three years ago. When Daddy said he wanted to go there & try their lazy river...immediately I remembered the last time we were there. When we got there, the memories were vivid in my mind. My heart ached.

I thought to myself...Who would of thought? Who would of thought almost three years ago, as we were celebrating Dylan's birthday that the next time we visited...would be without you, my dear mouse. I almost felt guilty going to the waterpark; having fun...when everything's so changed. How could we?
...

After we spent the afternoon there, with Daddy, Sissy, Bella & Natalia & Daniella...when it was time to go, I left a few minutes earlier with Sissy to stroll around the same lake we walked to almost 3 years ago. That day was much more hotter & stickier. I remember your hair was half down & you were annoyed you didn't have an extra hairband. You walked up with Valeria who was even grumpier due to the heat & bees that were hanging around...



You & Val by the lake.

Annoyed you didn't have any extra hairband.

One of my favorite pics. Beautiful smile- blue brace bands to match your dress.

These were the memories that were vivid in my mind. Missing you- wishing I could go back to that day.
...

Going back to the therapist yesterday, (I wasn't there but Daddy went with your sister), she asked if we feel guilty. She asked if she thinks there's something wrong with the way she's grieving. When Bella answered no, she said good...because she shouldn't. We shouldn't.

That the memories we have with you are precious, that we shouldn't try to replicate them. That it's ok to try & make new ones, without feeling guilty. That the way she's grieving, the way we are all grieving is normal...

Sometimes it helps to hear from an outsider my angel.

I have to be honest though....to the question of whether we feel guilty. I do. I think I always will. Because I am your mother. I should have known...

No matter what anyone says; however nice it is to hear & even helpful from sinking all the way to the bottom...

I will always feel that way.

That's that. I just can't help it.
...

In an alternate universe, we are still together. Laughing, carrying on like we were before. But here for now, I carry you in my heart.

My sweet angel. My beautiful girl.

I love you forever & ever.
Your mommy