Another weekend gone. Now that I'm off on weekends again, I can once again look forward to them & complain that they've passed too quickly...& dread Monday's too; my "long" days at work...
On one hand it's comforting to go back to somewhat of a routine again, it's numbing. But on the other hand it's a reminder that this life now, the one we are living without you...is becoming our new "routine", weather we like it or not, without having a say or a choice. :(
I wonder whether I will ever make peace with that fact, whether I will ever truly accept it.
...
I talked to my mom today & she asked how I was doing & coming from her, it's never a casual question. She always truly & really wants to know how I'm doing...
Maybe because she's my mom, I find it hard to disguise my feelings with her. Sometimes, on my really bad days I avoid talking to her because I know she'll know & I don't want to worry her more.
But today I told her the truth. I told her that I've been trying to keep busy, in order not to think. That your sisters help with that, because they've been so busy with school etc. That they don't only help me stay busy, they also keep me grounded.
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She saw the pictures on Facebook I posted of Bella baking bread yesterday & was happy & impressed the results. She said, "She is so much like you." She went on about how happy it makes her to see & talk to all of us through Facebook & Whats App (which we started doing just recently, now that Tia is there visiting & has a mobile phone).
I can understand her happiness baby girl, because just like your sisters give me life by being their mom, we give my mom life by including her in ours...by allowing her to be our mom too, even now as adults.
It's hard to explain, but that is the best way I know how.
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You only knew a little of her life when you first met her & you never got to know her more. That will always be a great sadness for me & even for her. She talks about it all the time.
There was already much sadness in her life because of so many things that happened in her past & because of her mental state & losing you made it worse...
Just a few weeks ago, they were ready to place her in a home, clinic or hospital because she wasn't doing well & this caused a lot of pain & anguish on all sides. It's too much to get into baby girl, I'm sure you were watching. :( I know God knows about it too because we prayed & prayed about it.
Some of our prayers might have been answered, because she's still home now with Abuelito...for now. It's always day to day with her, but she seems better & I think it's because we've tried to reach out to her more often with the calls, pics & video chats. I think it gives her life.
Just like your sisters give me life.
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The baking Bella & I have been doing, or the concerts Sissy & I have been attending may seem like little things but they are big things. To live this life....you have to put your part in to really live it, take participation, day in & out & have people with whom to share it with...share your everything- the good & the bad.
Without that, the sadness takes over. Without them & Daddy, the sadness would take over. Just like for my mom; without us, the sadness would take over too.
She does her part by trying to stay busy. She reads, listens to music on her CD player, walks a ton, goes to church & hangs out with her sisters. But her sadness at the end of the day lies in being so far away from us, her real family. I hope one day that will change. But for now, all we can do is show her she is not alone & that she is loved, to try & give her a little life.
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Bella is turning out to be quite the baker.
I have enjoyed being her assistant this past year, ever since Pop Pop gave us the nice mixer for Christmas. :)
I told Papi last night, when we brought him some of the homemade rolls we made- that it's very therapeutic. I'm sure he understands, being a chef & all, about the satisfaction in making something out of care & love & then sharing it with others. He nodded in agreement. We enjoyed our rolls over a nice tea.
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| Bella the baker. One day to be...Bella's Bakery. |
Your sister's excitement & enthusiasm over things she loves like baking, is contagious. She gives me life.
Sissy's excitement & enthusiasm when she bought her very own lap top (she paid half & the other half was her birthday present) so she can achieve her goals in school- gives me life.
To hear Daddy come home from work & tell me one of his customers was a nurse & they ended up talking about you & type one diabetes- gives me life.
Their strength, happiness & even sadness passes on to me but we bear it together.
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So it was true when I told my mom that keeping busy helps, baby girl. But keeping busy doesn't mean we forget.
This morning we had the rolls for breakfast & we lit a candle in your place just like we usually do. I went to Lowe's to buy a sprinkler & saw the most beautiful purple Aster flowers & bought one for the yard. I found out it feeds bees & butterflies in the fall.
I bought more soil & seeds to fix the patches by your plaque that the weeds got to over the summer...
A new routine, because we don't have a choice.
Your sisters will forever bring me new life, but I know sadness will forever try & take it away.
Because I miss you my sweet girl.
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So everyday is a struggle...one day of joy does not take the sadness away. So I call my mom & send her pics as often as I can, remembering this. Just like I look forward to being there for your sisters, to be useful & have a reason...
Giving & receiving is how we bear through.
Still one day at a time.
One day closer to you.
...
Loving & missing you more than ever.
Forever,
Your mommy
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