A couple nights ago, Uncle Bri called to tell me an old friend passed away unexpectedly. His name was Christian. He was only a few years older than us.
It was sad to hear of course. Last time I saw him was at Dana's life celebration get-together 3 years ago...before that it had been a long time too. But Uncle Bri kept in touch with him more frequently over the years, they were definitely close & he was in tears telling me that his girlfriend found him at home slumped over. :(
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Christian was one of the good ones. He was a great guy- a great kind-hearted soul, with an infectious smile & always the life of the party. That's where most of my memories of him are from- all the parties he would throw at his house, back in the old carefree days when your mom was a crazy teenager...
You never met him but I brought Sissy over when she was about a year old, for him, Dana & the gang to meet her.
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It didn't really hit me until yesterday, remembering all those good times with him. Remembering his fun, kind & happy self. It made me sad all day...just thinking about death again. Sad to think of another person I knew gone. Happy to picture him & Dana together (he really cared for her) & sad again to think that maybe you'd pay him a visit for me....just by chance because he was an old friend of mine.
I know that if you would of ever met him, you would instantly love him. He was just one of those guys. So if by chance you do want to meet him, it's ok. It's ok to give him a big hug from me too. Tell him I said hi. <3
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I was sad too about Auntie & what she's going through with Dylan. His seizures are getting worse & they are hoping to find treatment for him that won't have too many bad side effects. :( My mom too had a bad couple of days & of course we're trying to help with that too...
It's too much sometimes. All this added to the worries & stress of a "normal" life. Praying, trying to be strong, remaining positive is what we try to do. But sometimes even that fails to bring peace of mind.
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I don't understand how this life works baby girl. No matter how much I've experienced or read about or dig for answers & clues. I know that no one's life is perfect. But it seems unfair that more good people suffer than not, when it's not deserved.
I can only hope that where you are- it's different. That you are not suffering & that there is peace, happiness & beauty all around.
From the signs you've given me, I'm convinced it really is.
Maybe that's why when I hear about death now...someone passing; only part of me is sad. The other part of me is envious...because I imagine what the next life will be like & knowing that it will include you can only make it better & sometimes I find it hard to wait baby girl.
Because I miss you so much.
This might sound strange or morbid to those who don't understand a grieving heart- the grieving heart of a mother. But where I used to fear it, I know it's inevitable now. Where I used to avoid thinking about it, I think about it all the time now.
While I feel gratitude for waking up each day in this life, I don't feel fear for when the one day comes when I will wake in the next one.
To find a better way to explain myself I looked for quotes & to my surprise these are the ones that I found:
2 Corinthians 4:16-18
So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.
Romans 8:18
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.
2 Timothy 4:7
I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.
John 16:22
So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you
Revelation 21:4
He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”
Revelation 14:13
And I heard a voice from heaven saying, “Write this: Blessed are the dead who die in the Lord from now on.” “Blessed indeed,” says the Spirit, “that they may rest from their labors, for their deeds follow them!”
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Maybe I'm not crazy after all?
Without knowing the first thing about the bible, my feelings lead me to these quotes.
I continue to search for answers & peace my angel. Sometimes I find that the answers are looking for me.
I will continue with an open heart & an open mind, because I know you are guiding me along the way.
I love & miss you, my beautiful girl.
Always & forever,
Your mommy <3
💜💜💜
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