Signs

"And the angel said, "I have learned that every man lives, not through care of himself, but by love." - Leo Tolstoy
 
"Every blade of grass has an angel over it saying, "Grow, grow." -The Talmud
 
"But if angels guard you, they do so because they have been summoned by your prayers." -St. Ambrose
...

My angel,

I woke up Halloween morning with fresh images from a dream I had of you. I had written earlier the day before asking for you to visit me in my dreams. That night I read a book before bed to distract my mind from my thoughts...

Whether you came to visit, or I had you in my thoughts anyway, it doesn't matter.

I got to hold, hug & kiss you. It was so real, I woke up still feeling your warm soft skin against my lips. My mouse. My skinny minny. Your beautiful long brown wavy mermaid hair (it was longer this time than in my last dream) & your thin frame...

It was a strange dream, with you & some other kids running around like usual. I remember Auntie was there. This time there was a little blonde boy that was annoying you. He took one of your toys & you were trying to get it back.

You got really upset so I finally took the toy from the boy (looked like a Barbie) & I suggested you lay down & get some rest. You agreed. I hugged you & picked you up, so light. I carried you to a bedroom, which I'm guessing was yours...I'd never seen it before.

The room was crowded with furniture, specifically two big cribs. One crib looked like Kayla's original baby crib.

I laid you down on your bed & I sat on the floor next to you. I looked around & said "Hailey, it's pretty crowded in here. Don't you want to get rid of at least one of your cribs?" You answered no. I asked again, "Are you sure? Think of how much more room you would have for all your stuff." You shook your head, still upset & tired, so I let it go. I knew it was because all your babies were in those cribs.

I said goodnight & you turned over to your side, where I could see a spot of bare skin from the back of your neck. I couldn't help but gently place a kiss there. Your skin was so soft & warm, so real I could even see the baby hairs...

Then I woke up.

It was so amazingly real baby girl. And even if my dreams don't make sense sometimes, I'm still grateful for any chance I get to see you again. <3
...

The dream didn't stop the wave of grief from hitting though. I managed to make it through work but had to visit you right after. I went to your room first because I had to hug your purple Northface jacket that still smells like you.

I spent a few minutes there, just to feel you close. Then I prepared a bag of candy (Twix, Kit Kat & Starburst your favorites) to drop off at the gardens...

It was when I was walking Rocky that I saw my Haileyfly & a random river rock on the same sidewalk.

A river rock, the same kind we've been
using for your kindness rocks.

Just hanging out, like it had been waiting for me.

                                       


 















What really got my attention was the rock, because I first thought it was a kindness rock. I turned it over with my shoe before I picked it up & it was bare. These rocks are never just laying randomly on the grass in our neighborhood baby girl. In fact, there are no rocks period.

Even by the trees, I've been seeing tiny brown ones that look more like clay lumps. But not these...how ironic I thought. What are the chances?

I had to pick it up & take it with me. I figured I'd take it to paint on & use it for a kindness rock. It really felt like you placed it in my path. <3
...

All this made my heart smile, yet I still missed you so much my angel. The feeling is paralyzing sometimes. All I can do is move robotically, going through the motions of daily life just to make it through the day. That is the best I can do on days like this.

Sissy & Daddy were at work, so I dropped Bella off at Papi's to go trick or treating with the kids & Rocky &  I stayed home with Rocky to pass out candy.

Rocky rocking his redskins jersey & me in
Goth.

Anonymous

                                                      

















What made my day was your friends who came to knock on the door about midway through the night, baby girl. I heard a group of kids approaching & heard one ask, "Do they still live here?" & I knew...

When I opened the door I recognized Austin, Tania, Zach & a recognized a couple more faces. Austin said he found one of your kindness rocks by the lake & showed it to me. He wasn't sure if he should keep it or what he should do with it. I told him the plan was to re-hide them for someone else to find. One for the girls said, "I told you so!" :) We all laughed.

I gave them candy & wished them a Happy Halloween. It was good to see them all happy & smiling...many smiles...

Specially mine.
...

This lifted me up so much. Because your friends found one of your rocks. Because they came to visit...I feel like it gave them an excuse to stop by too. I've seen some of them around the neighborhood sometimes & I can tell they're shy or don't know what to say so don't say anything at all. We see each other & smile but never stop to say hello.

We finally got a chance.

The magic of the kindness rocks work...

Your angel magic works...

God's magic works...

It's what finally made that wave of grief recede so far back, it pushed it back to where it came from.

I was so thankful.

To hope it never comes back is not realistic, but I hope it stays away for a good while.
...

I know you're always there my sweet girl. I know you & God are always trying to show me. Thank you. Thank you for not forgetting about me.

I love you more than you could ever know. Even if you can see & it feel it from up there, just know that it's a thousand times more.

Forever & ever,
Mommy