Natalia's bday

My dear mouse,

Today we celebrated Natalia's bday. She turned 10. Your same age. I looked at her as she blew out her candles & tried to imagine you sitting beside her. She looked so little next to you. In my mind, my memory...you were so much taller, looked so much older. Your features, more formed into a young lady, where she still looked like a little girl. Yet, you are both the same age.

In spirit, you were just a little girl too. There are some things about her that remind me of you. Her love for art, her sweetness & even her craziness too. :)

She loved you so much baby girl, she loves you still. Just like Dylan, she gets sad when we talk about you...it's only because they miss you.

Oh my mouse. I miss you too. I missed you today....I wish you were out there playing volleyball & soccer with us, enjoying the sunshine with us, the first nice day we've had in such a long time.

I wish you were falling, rolling around in the grass, cracking up laughing & screaming every time the ball got close to you- or kicking it as hard as you could, just like the like the rest of the girls...& Ricky too.

I remembered how you'd carry little Natalia around on your waist when she was just a baby. Doing the math, you weren't even 4 yet when she was born. You were younger than Valeria is now...toting around a baby in your arms, almost as heavy as you. :) Those memories always make me smile; you & your love for babies.
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It was a much quieter party than last week. No Uncle Mikey or Auntie. Auntie was sick. I'm worried about her health, it seems like she's getting sick a lot lately. :( If you can my angel, please put a word in for her to the big man upstairs. <3
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After this week, your sisters are on Spring Break. We don't have any big plans, other than your cousins' from Jersey visiting at the end of next week. Their Spring Break starts when ours ends, so they're coming down for that one weekend in between; Easter weekend.

At least it will give us something to look forward to baby girl.

I'm also just looking forward to Spring. We're supposed to get snow that your sisters are excited about in a few days...but not me. I miss my Haileyflies.<3

I love you my sweet girl. My baby whisperer.

All the babies you held here remember you. Did you hear Valeria come up to me a couple weeks ago, when I was over at Papi's making spaghetti, just a couple days after they moved in?

She came up to me with a mad face & said, "Vanessa, Ricky says I don't remember Hailey but I do." I said, "Of course you do, I know you do." Then I went on telling her stories about how you would change her diaper, feed her, play with her...she smiled, looking up as if trying to remember it all & said, "I don't remember when I was a baby, but I remember Hailey." I said, "And you always will, because she loved you so much." So I kept telling her stories, "If Hailey were here stories"- like, "If Hailey were here, she would still be holding you".

When we sat on the table to eat I said, "If Hailey were here, you would be sitting on her lap right now & she would be feeding you." She kept smiling, wanting to hear more...

It made my day for her to come up to me & say that. I know that kids grieve differently too. Whether they get sad or happy to talk about you, it doesn't matter baby girl. It's ok. At least they remember. To me, that's more important.

We are not alone, at least we have each other.

Hopefully that is enough to get through. But always, not matter what, we will always love & remember you.

Goodnight my mouse.

I know you must be busy up there too, toting all those angel babies around. You must be so happy being surrounded by so many beautiful faces. I could only imagine, & I often do. It makes me smile & if it's even possible, love you even more.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy <3