Be gentle

My mouse,

It's Monday & back to school for your sisters. Spring Break flew by & so did your cousins' visit. But it was a great visit, even though it was short & sweet.

Other than their visit, our week was pretty uneventful. Bella had a cold & allergies were kicking in at the same time & we had rain the first half of the week. I took them shopping one day though & let them pick out a few new Spring tops.

Remember when we'd go through you & your sisters clothes every season to figure out what you outgrew & what you needed? Out of all the shorts Bella had from last year, only one still fits her. I can't believe how fast she's growing. :(
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Your cousins, Uncle C & Aunt Deedee drove down Friday & they brought NJ Don's hoagies for dinner. They also brought 2 pans of lasagna, garlic bread, grandma's cookies, pork roll & a big Easter basket filled with goodies....as usual she went out of her way. <3

Saturday we drove to DC, attempting to walk around & enjoy the nice weather. The first nice day of Spring Break- but because of that, everyone had the same idea. We weren't able to find any parking at all & there was so much traffic. So we had lunch at Ben's Chili Bowl & went back home. We went to the BCB's in Arlington, not the famous one in DC. I don't know if that had anything to do with it, but it was ok- not great. As famous as they are, I expected better. ;)

Then the older girls took off to the movies & I took Bella & Camryn ice-skating. Since your sister took lessons since they last went, she was much better & was even skating faster than Camryn. It was cute to see them together baby girl.

I know she was kind of upset that the older girls went off by themselves to do their teenage things & left them behind. I wondered but then was certain, you would of joined them if you were here. Sissy was excited to drive them around. It was the first time since she got her license that she was able to- so they were out parading around town & left Bella & Camryn here.

I tried to explain to Bella that they were just being teenagers & to enjoy having Camryn here to do fun things with & she did....

She also made grandma's bunny cake with Camryn- the one that you loved. The one we all love. It tastes so good, they did a great job.
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Sunday Daddy had the day off so he got to spend time with them too. Him & Uncle Chris made dinner & it was yummy. Not the traditional Easter dinner- we had burgers & mac n cheese with green beans, but it still good. Daddy got to break in his new grill.

We are lucky to have them baby girl.

Uncle Chris went to see you first thing Easter morning. He said he went alone because he always cries...& it sometimes scares Camryn. As he was telling me...he started crying. He loves & misses you so much too. :(

Which made me tear up...but it didn't really hit me until after breakfast.

When I was walking Rocky & I saw the vision of you. Your beautiful face just appeared in my mind & I was hit with a big wave of grief.

I had to ask Daddy to drive me to see you at the gardens. I had to see you right then.

First we went & bought you a cross made of palm with purple ribbon. <3
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I think holidays are always going to be hard my angel. No matter what. Even with family here, even trying to keep busy...it's more of a reminder. We miss you more. We feel & see the "empty chair" as they say.

Even though I know you are here...

It still hurts. Even though I know you were up there in Heaven, celebrating with Him. I am envious. I wish you were here with me instead.
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At the end of the day, we are still able to feel joy, even with the pain & the hole in our heart. So I still am thankful, I still feel blessed. Love....still wins.

I love you my angel.

I am trying to remind myself to be gentle to myself these next couple of weeks.

I can already feel the anxiety, the emotions sneaking up on me....the memories, the timeline. I can't do it to myself this time.

So be gentle. Breathe. Take one minute at a time. Close my eyes. Breathe...

I know you are here. I know you are watching over us. I know....

Goodnight my beautiful girl.

Sweet dreams, ok?

I love you to the moon, around the universe & back.

Mommy <3

A pic of you- my little mouse looking for Easter eggs in grandma's
back yard. Precious memories. <3