What I want to remember

My baby girl,

I hate it when life gets so busy we can't stop & breathe for a moment. It seems like it's been that way for the past couple of months, past couple weeks and the last few days.

Specially as it gets closer to your angelversary....I need more quiet. :(

Writing to you, has always given me that "quiet" that I need. Alone with my thoughts & you. When I don't get a chance, I miss it. I miss you. Even more than I already do.

I thought I was the only one, or one of few I should say, between us bereaved parents. But then the other day a mom shared her thoughts on staying "connected" with our children after they've passed. She said she went to a new therapy session where they focus on this specifically.

She mentioned how the parents are encouraged to keep in touch with their children- to still "talk to them", in whatever way feels natural or appropriate. She said she never stopped talking to her daughter, but this new therapy has helped her realize that she wasn't crazy or wrong for it...

After her post, other parents chimed in to share how they still keep in touch with their children. Some speak to them in their prayers, have conversations out loud or in their head, some write to them, like me...one mom says she gets on the phone and talks to her daughter like she was still on the other line. She said that that is one of the things she misses most- not being able to pick up the phone & talk to her daughter like she used to. :(

We all agreed that it's more than ok, because we will always be connected to our children, regardless. The bond between parent & child will never die, because our love never dies. <3
...

I love & miss you so much Hailey.

I talked to grandma today for her birthday. Last couple of days actually.

She's doing ok. She went out to dinner with my aunts yesterday & today my uncle & his wife came over to eat lunch & keep her company for the day.

Of course her birthday takes me back to the b-day video you girls made for her, just before we went to see her....now 3 years ago. :(

I couldn't watch the video baby girl.

I knew if I did it would mess me up for the day & I already asked for days off next week....I knew I wouldn't be able to cope for the day & I'd end up calling in sick, staying in bed or laying on the couch all day...

I've been that way these last couple of weeks. Trying to avoid the memories...."the timeline".  It's weird how grief works baby girl.

Last couple of years I would make propaganda about the last couple of weeks before you're passing...to tell others about type one diabetes & how sneaky it is, how horrible.....

And this year, I can't bear to remember.

I don't want to remember. It hurts too much. I feel angry remembering, guilty...all those unwanted emotions. Maybe I felt this way too, the last two years, but I was still able to talk about it & advocate.

This year, I don't just want you to be remembered as "the girl who passed away from Type One Diabetes"...

I want you to be remembered for who you were. My sweet beautiful girl.

Still going to have our RAOK day for you. <3

This is what I want to remember. <3



My sweet mouse. <3

Remember you copied this quote on a sticky?

I've already started doing some things in honor of you baby girl.

I know you know, I know you're watching...but I still want to tell you about them, in our next letter.

I love & miss you everyday, every minute, every single second.

Sweet dreams my angel.

Forever,
Your mommy <3