It's okay

My mouse,

Sissy agreed to watch the kids and spend the night with them at Papi's so I could get a break- a mini pre-Mother's day gift. I could use it, I'm definitely worn out. It's sweet of her.

She also said, "Mommy, go ahead and sleep in tomorrow. Even if you wake up early, don't get out of bed. Try & sleep in." (I have a feeling she's going to try & get the kids up early to come over & make breakfast. Hope I'm not waiting til lunchtime. :) <3
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I'm glad, because it will give me some time with you baby girl. Me, my thoughts, my tears, & you. After breakfast, I'll go see you too. I'll change your birthday flowers & I'll talk to you. Everything I write to you about, I also talk to you about at the gardens. Some might ask, what's the point? Sometimes I wonder if you even ask...

But if you can see into my heart baby girl, then you know how much of a big empty hole there is & how I try so very hard to fill it...even though I know it won't ever fill completely.

You can probably see & feel how much I miss you- & how hard I try to quench that feeling too. Even though I know only seeing you again would quench it completely. <3
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There's so much I want to share with you my angel, & most of it is good news- finally.

First, all the effort Papi & Ayde have made for their trip- as well as me & Abuelita, who've helped them with the kids these last couple of weeks haven't been for nothing. Their mission was accomplished, we heard the good news yesterday.

I'm happy for them, mostly relieved. It could mean great things for them- many changes for the better....for everyone involved, but hopefully for Papi's benefit too. I hope that means he will slow down now & take better care of himself. We can only hope.
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Also my mouse, we put an offer on a home last week & it was accepted. :)

So many emotions....

We still don't know for sure. We just started the process of the loan application & so forth. But if all goes well, we should be ready to move in next month.

Again, so many emotions.

We're excited, nervous, and sad too.

It's all too much to explain in this letter my mouse.

All too much to feel & think about.
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From the beginning, we tried not to get too overwhelmed or get in-over-our-heads about it.

Everything happened by chance really. After Papi bought his new house, he encouraged us to at least look into getting pre-approved. "It won't hurt to try." He said. "If I could do it, you could too." He said.

It was the last thing we were thinking about...then the landlord emailed us saying he was planning on increasing our rent, yet again for this new year coming...

Next thing you know, we got pre-approved & then started casually looking at places...then here we are now baby girl. With the possibility of moving in the next few months.

I don't know.
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When Tio called to tell me our offer was accepted, I hung up the phone with tears, not of happiness...but of sadness.

My first thought went to your room. :(

I'm sure you know we've talked it over with Daddy & your sisters. How every house we looked at, we were checking to make sure there was room for at least a corner somewhere we could have a few of your things, or even luckily a full room; a "Hailey room."

This place has a bumpout of each level, meaning there's extra room for us to have your things spread out. Your sisters said they each want to keep something of yours...& in the "bumpout" in me & Daddy's room there is space for our "Hailey room." <3
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It's such a big decision baby girl. Which is why we're nervous too. We have been down this road before & didn't have a great end...

I don't want to make the same mistake twice.

I didn't think I was ready to make such a big decision on our future, when we're still living day to day.

But something in my gut & in my heart told me it's ok. I try so hard to listen baby girl- so hard to pay attention to the signs, to look for your & God's guidance now...

And it was all pointing to the direction of- "it's ok." <3

I can almost picture you smiling, saying, "Mommy you deserve this. It's going to be ok."
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So I will let things happen the way they are meant to, if that's the case.

If they do great, if they don't...I will believe there was a reason for that too.

Then we will just stay here & continue doing what we've been trying to do. Just heal, live and be.
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It's sad to feel that you don't know what to expect or deserve baby girl.

That you're life has had so much struggle & pain, that you're just sitting around waiting for the next wave to hit. :(

The last thing I ever wanted to be is bitter. But life has taught me to be cautious. I can't just jump in anymore...

It's step by step. Baby steps.
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If anything, my decisions now are made thinking of your sisters first.

I know that you are more than safe. <3  But your sisters...I don't want them to be like me baby girl.

I've never had a home to turn back to; a safe haven. At the very least, I'd like to give your sisters that. A place to call home, to turn back to if they ever need it.

I will leave it at that for now.

I don't want to overthink things like I usually do.
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I love you my mouse. Everyday, you're still in my thoughts. Tomorrow, mother's day will be the same, except I will be missing more- that extra pair of arms wrapped around me ever so tightly...

I will close my eyes & listen for your sweet voice, "happy mother's day mommy, you're the best mommy ever." Just like you would always say... <3

Goodnight sweet girl,
See you in my dreams.
Send me a sign if you can...

Love always,
Mommy <3