This weekend passed by so fast. Even with work, packing & cleaning pending...so many things coming up with the move; I find myself needing to stop to write to you.
I miss you.
I find myself realizing how big of a change, how big of a step this will be in our lives & I can't help but miss you even more. I can't help but wish that you were physically here with us...even more. And the hardest part hasn't come even yet.
I'm trying pace myself.
...
Your sisters are finally done with school. They are definitely due for a break- I'm very proud of them.
The other day I had to go in the office for some training- one "training exercise" we had to do, was to pick a person in the room whom we didn't know & talk for 2 minutes, about one thing in our lives that we were really proud of (to make an example of how important listening skills are).
The first thing that popped into my head was you girls.
I told my partner I was proud of my 3 girls. She didn't know & 2 minutes wasn't enough time to explain...but even if I had longer, what could I say? To a complete stranger?
These moments are always so hard & painful baby girl. I will always be a mom of 3, no matter what. And I could never exclude you. Why should I have to? Yet, to have to explain or how to explain...
I have to put that mask on again, & say whatever I need to say, with a smile.
...
It made me think though, when I went to see you later at the gardens....
Of how true it is, that I'm still so very proud of you.
That even though I can't see it, I know it, I feel it- that you are doing great things up there & down here too. <3
I just know you are.
And it brings tears to my eyes & a big smile to my face.
...
Going through my file boxes I found old report cards that I kept from you girls...all had so many good things to say.
But of course there were the occasional, "Hailey is too chatty with her friends." "Needs to pay better attention, so I moved her to another desk." It made me laugh, because I could just picture you & hear you....
My social butterfly. That's what I would always call you. <3
Bella was a talker too, but she's better now. :)
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"Otherwise a delight." "She's a good mentor" Friendly, kind" So many good things...
Mrs.Greene's (your favorite) comment: "I'm so happy to have a relationship with Hailey."
It made me smile thinking of how you would come home & play teacher, & stick a pillow under your shirt pretending to be her, after she got pregnant.
How much you missed her while she was on maternity leave. How upset you were the day she came by to show the class her new baby boy, but "She didn't take him out of his carriage Mommy! She didn't let us hold him! She said because she didn't want us to give him germs!" You were so mad. But in your usual cute, funny, pouty way...when you didn't get something you really wanted.
...
It's amazing how many memories can come flashing back my mouse, from a few simple words.
Again, I'm so happy I'm the silly crazy mom who kept all your report cards...just like I took all those pictures & posted them to Facebook, that used to make all 3 of you laugh & make you roll your eyes.
...
Even with keeping all that stuff, I've gotten rid of a lot of other things that I didn't need baby girl. That's the other thing- that one learns after loss. The things that really matter.
20, 30, 40 years from now- it won't be the tax returns, receipts, none of that crap. It'll be the drawings you girls drew, the pictures & videos we took as a family, your old report cards & awards you earned...all our memories.
Maybe I'll look at them again when I'm old & gray & forgetful & remember all over again.
Or maybe one day your sisters will look through the same piles & laugh & smile, remembering those same flash of memories too. Or maybe they'll still roll their eyes, thinking what a silly crazy mom they had, keeping all that stuff. :)
Either way, I hope they know it's only because I was proud of them. How I still am, & always will be. All you three...
I love you my mouse. And I miss you.
Every single day.
Always & forever,
Your silly mommy
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