My Hailey,

I miss you little girl. I’ve been feeling really down these few days & I can’t shake it off. I’m tired. It’s exhausting to keep trying to tread above water all the time.

I’m still unpacking & going through your things & reading things you wrote & even though I feel you so close, you are so far....

It’s hard to explain. I just miss you. My heart hurts & I feel a big emptiness inside. I don’t think anything will ever fill it. Not a new house, not anything.

I love you. I’m sorry for this letter. I’m just thinking of you & wishing you were here to snuggle with me.

I hope tomorrow will be a better day. It’s Dana’s 4 year anniversary too...if you happen to see her, tell her I said hi. <3

Sweet dreams my angel. Don’t worry about me.

Love,
Mommy

~

The view from the sunroom. Our pink crepe myrtle in the backyard
that just started blooming, with Auntie’s wind chime hanging in the middle.
It’s the same tree they planted for you at school, only yours is lavender. <3

Part two

Change is hard my angel.

God knows I should be an expert by now. How many times have we moved? How many times have our lives been turned upside down?

This move has been the hardest- even harder than the time Daddy & I separated. :(

But change can be good too. I hope that’s the case here too. I hope this is for the best. Even though I was starting to regret it almost from day 1. Daddy’s car broke down week one, then the washer leaked water all over the carpets downstairs, week 2. Last week I was at my wits end. I even snapped at Uncle Chris when they came to drop Bella off. I know he was only trying to help, but at the time it seemed like him trying to help was only making thing worse...

Plus I was just frustrated & tired. Thank God for family though, in the end we talk it out & work things out & we move on.
...

Now it’s just unpacking & settling in. Hopefully no more surprises.

Hopefully we’ll hsve a housewarming dinner & invite our family & friends.
...
But there’s more stuff happening in the background too babygirl. With our family, my mom especially...I’m sure you know.

I think that definitely added the extra stress too these last few weeks. Auntie has been more involved & helping out, which I appreciate but I don’t want her to get sick with stress either.

Oh my angel, things are tough all over. It seems like for every good thing that happens, two more bad things follow. I told you all of this at the gardens, but I feel better writing it down too.

I pray for guidance & strength. That is all we can ask for.
...
I miss you mouse.

Today I got a call from a mom who was making an appointment for her 14 year old daughter. Even though those calls don’t cause me anxiety attacks anymore, they still make me sad & jealous.

Why I asked. Why does this lady get to make an appointment for her 14 year old & I can’t? What would my 14 year old look like? How would she act & what kinds of things would she like by now? I’ll never know.

These are the kinds of thoughts that sneak in from time to time, unexpectedly. Unwanted. Unwelcome. But they do. And they linger, even when I try to distinguish them from my brain. :(
...

I love you to the moon, around the universe & back. My beautiful girl.

Today & forever,
Your mommy

Hailey was here pt one

My mouse,

Today was a calmer day.

We’ve officially moved out of the old house, even though we haven’t said our official goodbye yet. Even though we’ve moved everything out & the keys have been turned in, we still plan on going back  at least one last time to say bye to our neighbors like Mr. Cho (who lived next door & would always mow our lawn because he knew Daddy works a lot). Bella’s friends & even Rocky’s too-his two girlfriends that live around the corner. :)

We still have a small box of Haileyrocks too that we plan to hide around the neighborhood. <3
...

I’m sure you saw how different the old townhouse already looks. The owner immediately started having his contractor paint, take out the carpets, etc. Sissy said that’s why she didn’t feel super sad the last day there-she said with all the changes it already didn’t feel like home. :(

But I was super sad baby girl.

I was working from there another week after we stopped sleeping there because the internet wasn’t set up here yet...so I had time to reflect, alone, with empty rooms filled with memories.

On one of the last days, in the middle of my shift, I decided to write this, on the back of your bedroom closet:

Afterwards I had this urge to cry & cry.

I held it in until I went to see you at the gardens after work. Those words: HAILEY WAS HERE.

There’s so much meaning in those words babygirl

You were here, and you were our everything. <3
...

I’ll have to continue this in the next letter because I still don’t have my laptop and writing this from my phone, it acts funny after posting pictures...

~

Treasures

We got this from a street artist when we lived in NY. It’s been
stored away, so I’m just now noticing all the butterflies. I put this
up in your space, hope you like it. <3

A handmade crocheted angel I bought for each of you,
during a craft fair I went to in NJ with grandma. Of course, yours
is the purple one. I put this above each one of your beds when you
we’re little, to protect you. You still had yours above your bed, so
I hung this up in your new space too. With the pigtails like you
used to wear, to match. 

In your memory box- notes from the girls, cards you kept from your birthday...
You were and are still so loved my mouse. 

You and your sisters too. 

From when Ayde was teaching you girls Spanish
You kept it. 

Add caption

My beautiful girl,

This is our first week sleeping in the new place. It doesn’t feel like home yet. Little by little I guess. We’ve been so busy and there’s so much yet to do...

But I miss you my little girl.

So much. And I miss writing to you too. The days aren’t long enough and I’m physically and mentally worn out.

Uncle Chris and family are here to take Bella on their family vacation for a week. I’m going to miss her.  But maybe it will be good for just me and Sissy it be here together. We’ve been arguing a lot lately and I’m not sure why. The move has been stressing and maybe we’re all just tired.

I love you my mouse.

I wish I could talk to you. Even from Heaven, I wish you could tell me about all the wonderful things you are doing. I can’t wait until we’re finally done with this so I can get some time back to write and continue to advocate for your cause.

Good night my angel. Sweet dreams <3

Love,
Mommy