Retreating

My mouse,

It's been so long.

I'm sorry I don't write as much as I used to. I know that you can still hear me, listen to me, my heart, my thoughts...

Every morning & every night that I say goodnight. Every visit to the gardens...

Your new black cat Halloween beanie boo & pumpkins
that your sister & the kids decorated. <3

...

But my head has been in the clouds lately. Somewhat withdrawn.

I still go about everyday life, working, cooking, cleaning, your sisters, Daddy, Rocky...with events & happenings, everyday life that from the outside seem normal.

But inside, within me, something is always missing. You.
...

Where I used to face grief everyday in the face, it feels like I've been doing the opposite lately. Trying to avoid it.

Writing about it, talking about it, all my awareness activity, even talking to my grief groups- all forced me to face grief everyday.

But lately, I've been in front of the TV during my spare time, on Netflix, binge watching shows...may seem harmless. At least I’m not drinking or worse I know. Like in the beginning, having my head in a book or watching movie after movie helped me distract my mind a little. It also did help face my grief because they were almost always grief related.

But this is different. I’ve been procrastinating & putting things off, basically not caring. Not to the point of any real harm babygirl, just going through another moment. Or a series of moments.

I still get up every morning. I still go to work. I still manage to cross of things on my to-do list. But it’s the little things, that add up to a big thing. And also the big things...

My mom. The overwhelming feeling of responsibility towards her. Maybe it’s feeling that stress that’s caused me to retreat lately, to hide from life. Maybe if I’m quiet enough, if I stay hidden in the darkness, life will forget about me & leave me alone.
...

In between there is joy, I can’t deny. But it’s always tarnished.

Sissy went to her homecoming this past weekend. She looked so beautiful my mouse. But even as she was getting ready with her friends, my thoughts were with you, knowing that if you were here, you’d be right there by her side, learning all about hair & make-up.

Scrolling through pictures on Instagram, seeing your friends posing in their cute dresses, it reminded me that your homecoming would of been the same time. That you would probably be posing in those same pictures, if you were here.

If only you were here.
...

So I shut my phone off. I retreat. I put on a movie or a show and shut my mind off. Again & again. Hours gone by. Hours turning into days.

Maybe I need to find a new hobby. Maybe go to the gym & workout instead. You know me baby girl, I've never been one to be able to relax, just sit & watch TV & do nothing. My whole life, specially as a working mom has always been on the go- never relaxing, never resting, multi- tasking...maybe why this feels extra foreign to me- almost bad.

Maybe I shouldn't worry or complain baby girl. I almost feel as though this is a secret blessing God has given me for the time being- this little time to allow myself to "retreat", so I can gather strength that I'll need soon. For the holidays & my mom.

I know that I will need it.
...

I love & miss you my sweet girl. Everyday, every moment.

I know that you must be busy too in Heaven, doing angel's work. <3

I'm so proud of you.

Love always,
Mommy