Reflections

My little girl,

It's October.

Time again for pumpkins & Halloween. Bella is still trying to decide whether or not to go trick-or-treating this year. She wants to, but doesn't want to be embarrassed by other kids or adults who might think "she's too old."

I told her she shouldn't care what people think.

I hope she goes. I told her she still has Papi's kids as an excuse. She can go with them.

At least one more year. It's sad to think that this year all my kids are too grown to go trick-or-treating. Like an end of an era.

Your momma is just sentimental I guess.
...

I've been getting a taste of what it's going to be like in the future, when it's just Daddy & I. I guess that's another reason I'm sensitive over this.

These last few weeks, Bella's been invited by her best friend to the movies, dinner, cup cake baking class- even a weekend at the Pocono's! But she didn't go to that. One; I wouldn't feel comfortable. Two; she had a dance class she didn't want to miss.

Of course Sissy's out with her friends too. With her own car & money- there's no stopping her. Which I don't want to anyway.

I want for your sisters to have fun & not always have their heads in the books. They work hard during the week with studying & homework. They don't get into trouble. They're good girls.
...

But like this past weekend, I found myself alone Friday night when both of them were out. It felt strange. Not necessarily bad...just out of place.

So many years now- almost 18 years, I've been a mom. Dedicating my everything to you girls. Even though I go out once in a while, I don't think it's as much as some parents.

My life has always been revolved around you girls. You were always first.

This hasn't been easy of course. Many days I can remember feeling completely overwhelmed, overly exhausted, yearning for a day off. A "me" day, as I would call it. A day to myself, where I can do as I please without having to answer to anyone. I used to so look forward to those days. They were few & far in between. Usually I'd have to do something drastic like call in sick from work, while you girls where at daycare or school....it was the only way.

Oh my mouse, what I would do to have those days back, especially to be with you again.
...

I can accept the fact that your sisters are growing up.

I guess part of the emptiness I feel, has to do with knowing you should be growing up with them.

It's something that I have to live with now. It's always on the back of my mind. Wondering who'd be hanging out with. How many boys I'd have to shoot by now. :/

Oh baby girl.

So it was just Rocky & I this past Friday night.

I told myself to soak in the silence, which surprisingly does much good to my soul. Daddy was at work, but I made us a steak dinner that he had when he got home. Meanwhile, I walked Rocky & looked up at the night stars as I normally do. Put my Netflix movie on (another British drama period series, I've been on a roll now), & just relaxed after a long week.

I recalled how many years ago I would of loved a "me" evening like that...& then I tried to pretend it was that it was.
...

Who knows what the future will bring. I thought to myself, one night was ok. But would I be able to handle many evenings alone? Waiting for Daddy to come home from work? Could I use that time for writing like I always wished? Maybe go back to school? Would I go out with friends? Or family? More "girls nights out?" or would I be that old lady to join a gardening or book club?

Who knows maybe Daddy would retire first & he'd be waiting on me to get home from work. Maybe I'd be home with grandkids....

Better not get too far ahead of myself my mouse.

I rather not think too far ahead. Still one day at a time...

I think though, if I know myself better...that I'd have to occupy myself with something worthwhile. While silence can be peaceful most times...I think too much of it would be deafening.

Just like Papi always says, too much of anything is not good for you.
...

I love & miss you my angel.

So much.

Yesterday we enjoyed a much needed day out hiking with Auntie, Dylan & Uncle Chris. Tyler stayed home.

It finally stopped raining & we decided to go out & take advantage of the beautiful weather. So glad we did baby girl. Nature always makes me feel closer to you. And we went to Harper's Ferry- a place you've been to before. The place we went with the family years ago & also spent a beautiful day at.

Bella was a little sad wishing you were there. Dylan was excited to hide your kindness rocks. His enthusiasm rubbed off on me, even though I was sad for your sister too...

I tried to remind her to be thankful for the memories we had there. I told her how I always love to go to places you've been, that your beautiful soul has experienced & touched. Even though it makes me sad too.

It's not easy my mouse. It's a journey of learning as we go. But we have to keep going no matter what. We can't stop.
...

When we got home, I saw this on your Hailey page on FB:



The couple who found your rocks posted them on
your page. :)

<3

...

We love & miss you my mouse.

We think of you always. Every single day.

Everywhere we go, everything we do. You are always with us.

Everything beautiful reminds us of you. <3

We'll be decorating for Halloween soon, you're favorite holiday next to Christmas. It'll be our first one here at the new house.

I love you my little girl.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy <3

<3