Time is dwindling down & Christmas is just one week away. It's been so busy & stressful. With the shopping, preparing, all of Bella's activities & events...
Every year I say I won't get carried away & every year I bite more than I could chew. For the most part, I enjoy this time of year. Or at least I used to, when you girls were little. Even though it was just as stressful, if not more. It was just different.
In the end, it was worth it, so much more rewarding. To celebrate with the whole family Christmas Eve, to wake up Christmas morning & see your faces when you saw all the gifts under the tree.
Now everything is just different. With you being gone, nothing is the same.
Now your sisters are older too. No more pretending about Santa. No more a lot of things....
...
I guess in trying to still make it special for them & to make up for some of the pain & emptiness, I go beyond what is necessary. But my frustration this year is doing much & having it going unnoticed & unappreciated.
I don't think Daddy & your sisters realize how much effort it takes for me. I think they are just so used to me carrying all the weight. And when I do ask for help (which isn't often), I get pushback instead.
It shouldn't be like that my angel. I'm tired. Your sisters are older now. It should be easier.
But it seems like they are just dependent on me as ever. I still do all the things I used to & more. Cooking, cleaning, chores, Rocky, laundry, grocery shopping...then playing taxi for Bella running around all over to take her to dance, school functions, the list goes on.
I know it's stupid little things, but it adds up.
I've given myself a few breaks in between- a night out with friends, getting my hair done, but then I come home & it's the same story...
...
I know that looking at it from a different perspective; the perspective of a bereaved mother- I should be thankful.
Because what I wouldn't do to be stressed out about buying your gifts right now.
Trying to find the many shoes you'd have on your Christmas wish list.
Driving you places, washing your laundry & yelling at you to clean your room.
What I wouldn't do my mouse. :(
It hurts to remember this.
...
I know it's probably too much to be venting to you like this in these letters, but it's on my mind tonight & I have to share it & get it off my chest.
I guess I just wish Daddy & your sisters were more understanding & more appreciative of what I do & how much I do. I wish they would take it upon themselves to offer to help, without being asked...over & over.
I wish a lot of things my angel.
I’m just tired. My soul is tired.
And I miss you. Beyond measure.
We all do. This life is hard. We’re all just trying to survive. I will try to have more patience & also step back & learn to stop when it gets too much.
We’ll be spending Christmas weekend & Eve in Jersey. Daddy wants to see Nanny. Sissy can’t go because she’s working, but we’ll be back for Christmas Day to spend with her & the rest of the family.
My heart & mind has already been with you since Monday. I took two days off because I could feel the grief heavy in my heart as soon as I woke up.
I knew I’d have to see you at the gardens. Daddy & I went together & placed your new wreath. Your tree kept getting knocked over with the wind, so we brought it home. It looks nice my angel. I hope you like it.
I shared it with my parent group with a caption saying, “Instead of shopping for gifts, I went shopping for a wreath for my baby’s grave. I still can’t believe it’s our new normal.” :( I knew they’d understand.
I love you babygirl. With every ounce, every breath.
We are going to try & make mass on Christmas Eve, to say hello to God & to you. I know I will feel you there.
Until then, visit us if you can. I know you’re busy. <3
Goodnight my mouse.
Forever & ever,
Your mommy <3
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What a happy angel you’ve made her with your beautiful Christmas gifts. I was walking to my car after warming it up and there on the ground was a beaufilly perfect purple bow. I don’t know where it came from. Tyler said: “Even Hailey knows I’d be happy with a dog.” He picked up the same bow and said he could envision it on a dog. It’s amazing how these things are passed on and what type of joy we feel inside when they are found. It’s amazing how much we feel Hailey’s presence and how warm we feel to remember her with us. That’s the spirit of Christmas. This special love. I can’t wait to celebrate together. 💜 I know how you feel babe. Somehow we manage and keep going even when we are tired and not feeling strong. Maybe that’s why our family just sees us the way they do. I wish they appreciated it and understood that we don’t always feel like we can and just need that extra bit of help. That even the best moms, just need a little help.
ReplyDeleteAnd even with breaks in between, we give so much of ourselves that it doesn’t seem as though it’s enough because it’s not enough. But, our love somehow pushes us through. Thank you for the perspective. Because it is a gift. To really see how those things we feel are burdens and lay heavy on our shoulders are in actuality gifts and blessings is something I hope we can all see and feel so we don’t get wrapped up in the day-to-day stress. 💜🎄💫
Love to your angel in heaven...we miss her so. 🙏🏼
Love you 💜
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