Blessed

My angel,

It’s been a long day & I’m tired but I wanted to share a few things before I went to bed. Things that I most likely will never forget & that you probably already know, but want to write about anyway.

There’s so much I want to express, so much that I have in my heart tonight, that I just don’t have the words for. The only word I can think of right of right now is- blessed.

First, there’s the post from my old high school friend who’s daughter has been having health issues related to her blood sugar since last year & it looks like they’ve gotten worse. No diagnosis yet, but it seems to be similar to type 1 diabetes. I have discovered there are different types of not only type 1, but also other sugar related disorders.

Last year, or maybe even the year before that...she thanked me for posting the awareness symptoms because she noticed some with her daughter & took her in to get tested. At the time I believe she was diagnosed with hypoglycemia. She was so thankful and let me know.

And now this post from a couple days ago. <3

She said she’s going to keep me updated. I told her we are praying for them.

When I saw & read it I cried & smiled at the same time. To see the words, “Hailey saved my daughter’s life!” you can imagine the leap my heart took when I first saw it, innocently scrolling down on my feed & then seeing your name. <3

What’s even more amazing my little girl is that it all ties in with the following post & the cross I found, with the purple necklace on the grass.
...

Just a few days before I had posted the same awareness symptoms for the last day of November, the last day of diabetes awareness month...with a message saying something like: they say everything happens for a reason, but I can’t imagine a good enough reason other than saving other lives, yet my heart still hurts.

The whole thing had my on my mind again. My anger and resentment towards God. Why did he have to take you? Whose life has been saved? Why why why...

Then I wanted your tree to be special so I went to several stores that had everything almost sold out, stood in line & drove around. Tired, frustrated and still mad at God. Anxiety built up...

Yet I was determined to get it done, because it meant that much to me.

So I took Rocky out for a walk once I got home, and there it was babygirl. I couldn’t believe it at first. I didn’t even pick it up right away. I thought, no one’s going to believe this. My heart sunk, knowing deep down inside that it couldn’t be a coincidence.

I finally picked it up to look at it closer & I just stared at that cross. I knew right away, it was a reminder.

I could almost hear your voice, “mommy, don’t hate God. It’s not his fault. He’s with you, just like I’m with you. Even though you can’t see us. It’s going to be ok Mommy.”

Oh babygirl even now as I type the tears are rolling down my face and I feel the big lump in my throat. I know I can be such a fool sometimes and yet I’m still loved enough by you and him...

Enough to find this, to receive this sign to reassure me and give me some comfort. Sometimes I don’t feel deserving of it. I almost hesitated sharing this with my parent group because there are some who haven’t been as fortunate to receive even one sign. :( But I did share it, in hopes it gives other reassurance too.

I love you my little girl. I miss you with all my might. I’m not mad anymore ok? Not tonight. My heart is full and I feel blessed in every sense. I may not be deserving, but in desperate need & to receive this reminder, I’m grateful too.

Thank you babygirl. Thank God for me too ok?

I love you so much.

Forever & ever- each & every day,
Your mommy <3

P.S. your tree turned out so beautiful! I picked soft blues, white & turquoise bulbs with white & blue flashing lights. The star shines rainbow color star designs on the ceiling & all your angel decorations look so pretty. I hope you love it as much as I do. I picked blue because it was originally your favorite color, before purple, remember? :)

Always in our hearts.

Love you.

<3