Snowday

My mouse,

We had our first snowfall of the year- a pretty good amount finally. Last week it was in the 50’s & even though it felt nice, I was worried that winter would bypass us completely.

Exactly a week ago Uncle Mikey flew back home, after spending the weekend with us. He was here for the funeral, but we got to spend some extra time with him.

It was an emotional weekend babygirl. Very hard. Very sad. Which I knew it would be...but it wasn’t until we were sitting there in church during mass, that it really hit me. It brought us back to your funeral- all the heartache & tears. Seeing Louis’ picture there by the box that was carrying his ashes...

It made it real.

Watching the sadness & grief overcome my Aunt & Uncle, his sister & brother...his wife...it hit all of us. Even though we were on the other side this time, we were them & they were us almost 4 years ago.

Even though it’s different, it’s the same.
...

Once again, our family rallied.

We leaned on each other for love & support. It was wonderful. But it left us still shocked & heartbroken, wondering...who’s next?  :(

Is this what we have to look forward from now on?

It shouldn’t be. Not just yet.

You were just a kid. And Lou still young. Gone before your time. :(

We are experiencing death in a sad backward way.

I don’t know my mouse. I don’t know anything anymore.

Ever since you left I’ve been trying to process it, to make sense of the senseless, to find answers & explanations. I’ve read books, articles, watched movies, listened to music...reached out to mediums ....talked, cried & prayed about it endlessly.

And still, I can only truly believe what I feel in my heart.

That you are in a better place. That you are not truly gone, because you live in my heart.

And that I will see you again- which I have to believe, because otherwise I could not go on.

So much we’ve gone through...these almost 4 years. Most of which I’ve written about in these letters.  It’s been such a long painful journey. And it’s not over. And now my aunt & uncle & cousins will join us & it makes me sad to know how far they have yet to go.
...

So that’s been the start to this new year, my angel.

It really knocked us off our feet & it’s taken me this entire week to recover. I was really out of it for days, daddy said he was starting to worry...

Seeing Uncle Mikey made my heart full, we laughed so much despite everything. But as soon as he left it felt like all my defenses collapsed. I slept & slept & still felt so tired.
...

My beautiful girl- how I miss you.

Today your sisters took Rocky for a walk but they didn't really go out & play in the snow. They did makeovers instead. It made me miss the old days when you girls couldn't wait to get out there. Even though I knew that you would be letting Sissy make you over too, part of me wondered if you & Bella would of still wanted to play. Sigh.

I love you my mouse. Daddy went to clean off your plaque at the gardens. He never forgets.<3

We never forget. The days go by, time passes, but our love never fades.

Goodnight my angel.

Sweet dreams.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy <3

P.S.

I found this video of you crazy girls about 8 years ago now. A snow day.

https://youtu.be/7wMw6Ps4VNM