My mouse,

It’s Tuesday evening. I’m in the parking lot outside your sister’s dance school, waiting for her ballet class to finish. Usually I go run an errand, or go check out some of the stores in the area, or just sit & catch up on social media.

Tonight, I’m thinking of you. My heart is with you, always. But especially this week. Your birthday is coming up & you’ve been on my mind non-stop. My heart is hurting.

Your angelversary, your birthday, Mother’s day. That’s the order. 4 years now. Some might think it shouldn’t hurt as much by now, that I should be used to it.  Or that I should be over it. But how can I?

You should be here, bugging me about the plans for your bday. Just like when you were little, planning months ahead of time. Already knowing the theme, colors, food, place & time.
...

Your 15th. Your quince.

Would you of asked for an elaborate traditional quince like some of Sissy’s friends? Even though it was never a tradition in my family; would you of seen or gone with Sissy to her friends quinces & fell in love with the dresses & glamour of the whole event & then begged for one of your own?

Or would you of been like Sissy, telling me she rather wait for the big party on her sweet 16 & months later tell me she would of maybe liked the quince instead?
..,

I will never know.  I can only wonder.

For the rest of my life, I know I will wonder.

Wonder & imagine. How happy & beautiful you would of looked.

What a proud mama I would be, looking on at my little girl growing up just like her sisters.

I can only imagine how it would be, to go on living without this big hole in my heart. Like I once did.
There’s no use in trying to remember how it felt, because that was another life. Another reality. Another me. And I can never get it back again.
...

It will be a hard day for me my little girl.

Maybe harder than previous years. I’m not sure why, but it just is...

I will try, for you, to continue our tradition now of celebrating you...

But I can’t promise my mouse. Please forgive me. I just miss you too much & it hurts so damn much.

I wish I could just reach out & hug you, just once.

I really need one of your big bear hugs.

I love you.

Mommy