Tattoo

Dear Hailey,

Your anniversary came & went baby girl.

I was hoping to find some time alone, just me & my grief...to feel you close to me. Some silence, to be able to hear your voice. God's voice. The universe's...

The only time alone I got was day before- when I went to see you at the gardens & then went to get this, on my ankle:



From a folded note you gave me. This was on one side & on the other you wrote
From: Hailey To: Mommy. On the inside you drew a bunch of pictures with little
messages. <3

I don't know why I had to go alone, but I did.

Sissy was upset. She wanted to go with me, maybe get one too. I don't know baby girl. Your mommy acts on whims sometimes...but I had been thinking of doing this for some time now. I just didn't know when.

I've had many ideas for memorial tattoos, since the first year. I remember the medium I spoke to over the phone. She knew about it...she said you did too & you loved the idea.

It was when we moved & I found so many letters, notes, drawings, & cards you drew & signed over the years. For mother's days, birthdays, holidays...so many sweet notes from you. I kept them all. <3

I wanted to remember all your sweet words, your cute little drawings you made for me. I went back & forth trying to decide which one. I put them in a shoe box & took it with me on the way to the shop. I was half way over there, that I made the decision to get this one. I could hear your voice, telling me this was the one.

Maybe that's why I needed to go alone. To hear your voice. To do something for just me & you. Just the two of us.
...

It did hurt, but not as much as I thought. The tattoo artist was nice & easy going & he did a good job. I really love it my mouse. I won't regret it, I know.

Every time I look at it, it makes me heart smile.
...

On the way back home, I said to you in the car: " I did it baby girl! I did it! And I love it! It turned out so good."

Just then this song came on & I knew it was you responding. <3

This same song came on at Daniella's birthday party.

I was talking to tia about Louis. Ayde was there too. We were talking about the both of you- about signs & about our loss. I remember asking tia if she's gotten a sign from him yet & she said not really. We were talking about it baby girl & then just then the same song came on. Every Breath You Take from the Police.

Me & Ayde looked at each other. We smiled because we were both thinking the same thing.

The words/lyrics spoke to me:

Every breath you take and every move you make
Every bond you break, every step you take, I'll be watching you
Every single day and every word you say
Every game you play, every night you stay, I'll be watching you

<3
...

I love you Hailey.

I miss you.

Sometimes I still feel like this is just a dream.

This life still seems blurry. I can't see or think straight.

There are only a few things I know to be real & true- our love & our family & friends.

Your anniversary is also a reminder of that, because that is what is shown to us. All the calls & messages we receive from all those who remember. Those who still love you & will never forget you.

I know we are not alone.

There will be another letter about your anniversary my angel.

There were the random acts of kindness, my tattoo & your cousins' visit...

It was not just a sad day & I thank God for that.

I continue to pray for strength. Not just for us- but for everyone. All our family & friends & loved ones.
...

One more day baby girl. I can't wait.

Love,

Mommy <3

Your sisters & the purple butterfly we found at The National Harbor <3