Baby girl,

I miss you.

That’s how grief works. I can have a good day, even a great one. But somewhere along the line, doesn’t have to be an exact time...everything just disappears & I find myself alone in a vast empty space with just my thoughts & feelings.

I see your precious face, your smile & the yearning comes from deep within my soul. Then sadness sweeps over any joy until there’s none left anywhere.
...

Life goes on babygirl. I know we should look at it as a blessing, specially with all the good things coming up, but it still feels all wrong without you.

Tomorrow Bella is being inducted to the National Junior Honor Society. She was so very excited when we got the letter saying she was chosen to apply & then ten times more when we got another one saying she was chosen. It’s a big accomplishment. She’s worked so hard to keep her straight A’s & the occasional B throughout the year. It’s a big deal for her, for us...Daddy has to work & Sissy’s going to a show with her friends, so I’m taking Daniela & Natalia to the ceremony. But you should be here too.

Sissy’s graduation is next week. Grandma & Pop Pop are driving down, Papi & the kids, hopefully Auntie & my friends Cecilia & Christina will be there too. But you too should be here... :(

You should of been here Memorial weekend when the pool opened & Bella wanted to go with someone (other than me) so bad. Her friends went out of town & one was sick. She was bummed out so I babysat Valeria & Ricky so she could go with the girls & thankfully we got to see Auntie & Dylan the next day & hung out with them at the pool too.
...

Life goes on babygirl. But in between these fun times & great moments, it’s always there. We miss you & wish you were here.

Those words, “she should be here” won’t stop beating inside my head. :(

My beautiful girl.

I have to keep reminding myself that you are here in your own way. That you will be there in the light  as Bella & Sissy’s names are called. That you will be there in midst of the clapping & cheering. You will be smiling a radiant smile & when we feel those goosebumps & the soft chill in the air, we’ll feel your loving embrace. <3

I have to remind myself constantly babygirl or I can’t go on.

I have to remember to be proud & happy for your sisters’ accomplishments, that despite everything they’ve been through they still came out winning at the end. Of course I am elated, but it’s the grief I struggle with babygirl. Everyday. The darkness in the background, always threatening to swallow me whole.

I fight daily. You know your mommy’s a fighter but there are just times...

But I’m going to remember my angel. All the good things. I’m going to keep fighting. I’m going to keep encouraging your sisters to keep fighting. After all, look it does pay off.

Love wins.

And I love you with all my heart.

For all eternity,
Your mommy