Prom

Dear Hailey,

Sissy just told me that prom day, she was in her room thinking of you, standing right underneath your picture on her wall & all of a sudden the lights flickered. She first thought it was the bulb going out but when she checked it was still shining bright, it flickered again & then it stopped. She then realized, smiled & thanked you for letting her know you were thinking of her on her special day. <3

That's always been your sign with her- the flickering lights. It's just been a while.
...

Prom day, we were all thinking of you baby girl. I knew you wouldn't want to miss it. I knew you'd be right there- watching Sissy getting ready with all her friends. I know you were probably there with us too, when we met all the parents at place they chose to take pics. It was so pretty there, the perfect spot.

All the girls looked so beautiful. I got to meet a couple of them for the first time, parents too. Then there was Katelyn who we've known for years now- since the girls were 10. And her sister, Kimi- your good friend. I couldn't believe how tall she got. Her hair almost down to her waist- so pretty. A young lady. I hugged her twice, a big one right before we left. I told her I love her & she said I love you too. It made me feel good- we both needed it.

Sissy told me that she had a really hard time right after you passed & even sometimes now. :( After she told me that, I remember hearing your voice telling me to reach out to her & I did send her a message through IG giving her your message. That you are always there watching over her. Just like Isabelle. <3
...

Time continues to go by in a flash babygirl. We prepared for Sissy’s prom, finding her dress, the getting it fitted because it was too long & a little too lose on the waist. Then the shoes & jewelry. I wish I could of helped her get ready but she had her friends to do that. It seems like the older she gets the less she needs me now.

Now we have to prepare for graduation. Her school & even her job has asked for baby pictures for projects they’re working on & I’m also going to need some for her party. I started working on that tonight, looking through old pics & it really did hit me- how the phrase `time flies’ is really not a cliche but a hard fact.

I saw a picture of her accepting her first “diploma” from pre-k & she was so little! And from that picture I was transported back in time. You were just a baby, chubby cheeks; wearing a little flowered dress with puffball pigtails. Had no idea what was going on yet. Your sister wearing a skirt & Hawaiian necklace (the theme of the ceremony). Grandmom, Pop Pop, Daddy were there too- we were living in Staten Island. Now almost 13 years later, they will be here watching her accept her high school diploma...but you won’t.

It’s always going to hurt. This grief is forever.

The wounds continue to reopen. There’s nothing we can do...

But just look for the signs. The butterflies, rainbows, dreams...the flickering of the lights. That lets us know you are not that far & that you DO know what’s going on. Our angel. <3

But we still continue to miss you & wonder.

We still continue to hang on to hope & love.

In between moments, we search for moments of you. Almost always, we find them.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy
                                Beautiful Sissy <3