Quiet busy

Dear baby girl,

I decided to take a break from the recent photo project I've been working on to write to you. A much needed break after a long week.

Besides the photo project, work & routine house chores- I've been with Sissy trying to help her prepare for college next month. We had orientation in the beginning of the week, lasting a full day & a half. We listened to speeches & slide-show presentations, watched videos, read through several pamphlets & walked throughout the campus. A lot of info to take in & learn!!

Dumb mommy wore flats the first day & I ended up with blisters on my feet. :(

But... most importantly she registered for her Fall classes & I got to talk to someone in the financial aid office to try & figure out how we're going to pay for it all. Sigh.

It's a lot baby girl. But I'm trying to stay positive & supportive throughout it all.

Us parents got the pep talk from the administrators to prepare us mentally too- on what to expect starting from move-in-date on. Some things we already knew; it's not going to be easy, maybe different what we expected & a big adjustment on everyone's part. But other new things too, helpful hints & good reminders on what to do & how to act.

Overall, I'm happy & excited for her. It's a great opportunity & I know she will make the best of it.

At one point while sitting there with other parents, listening to speeches, my mind wandered & I started thinking of you.

Thinking how I will never be able to do this with you. Help you get ready...make your dental, eye & physical exams, make sure your vaccinations are up to date. Get your car ready with an updated inspection, renewed registration & new tires.

Help you pick out colors for your bedspread & sheets for your bed. Refrigerator, microwave & coffee maker for your dorm. For you, I know we’d have to get extra bins for your shoes that you’d have to store under your bed. <3

I couldn't help but think these things & the tears started falling in the middle of orientation. Thank goodness it was dark in the auditorium...
...

These are the things & thoughts that we’ve been occupied with lately baby girl.

I know you know.

I went to see you at the gardens Thursday, just a couple days after & told you the same things. Adding that I know you're doing great things up there too, I just wish I knew what exactly.

Then, yesterday morning I woke up knowing that I had dreamt about you but couldn't exactly remember the dream. But I had an image of Beto's baby in my head. The one my Tia sent me on her birthday Wednesday with him looking so much bigger & healthier than the last one I saw on Facebook. Since he was born a preemie- I worried that he wouldn't make it. Born just under two pounds. :(

But when I saw the picture it made me so happy. That's the same image that kept appearing in my head when I woke up yesterday baby girl, & I had a sense that even though I couldn't remember my dream exactly, you were trying to tell me something. I had a sense that you were responding to my question.

That somehow there was a connection to you & Beto's baby. That being an angel, you're there watching over him. And not just him, but other babies just like him. <3

I couldn't shake the feeling all day baby girl. Could it be? I don't doubt it my angel. You adored babies & children on Earth. It would only be natural that you would be in charge of watching over them up there too. <3
...

You're always on my mind mouse.

My photo project has been to organize the pictures & albums that have been stacked up here in your room. I had started it right after your memorial service after you passed & haven't been able to finish yet.

For your service, we had to gather pictures for your memorial slide show & I remember everyone helping me go through albums & albums to choose. Once I got them back from Mike & Alina, it was overwhelming trying to put them back where they belonged. There were so many...

Then from there I got the idea of creating scrapbooks & started making duplicates & duplicates of almost every picture with you in it. Before I knew it I had pictures & pictures everywhere. Still misplaced from their albums & multiplied...

Then going through my Facebook albums I realized there were many that I never printed. So I ordered those too..

Then I had to get more albums for those & photo storage boxes for the duplicates.

Your mom is like the crazy picture lady!

It's not a bad problem to have baby girl, I know.

I feel blessed. To have so many memories & pics to prove it. I know there are many who don't have one or the other, or both.

Thankful to be that crazy mom who takes pictures of everything.

When you lose someone- that's all you have left, is memories.

But they are bittersweet too.

The reason it's taken me so long is because it can get overwhelming at times. As much as I love to look at all those pictures of your beautiful smiling face, it can be heartbreaking too.

Sometimes I stop & I cry.

Sometimes I pause & stare & remember. I kiss your pictures. I lament. It's hard for my heart to take it. It makes me miss you more.
...

But I'm determined to finish. I'd like to display them nicely in albums & picture frames & make scrapbooks for the family as gifts.

I don't want them to just sit there in the corner of your room collecting dust.

This was a good week to start. Bella was away with your Uncle C & family, so in between running around with Sissy, I sat in the cool basement, turned on Grey's Anatomy & let my OCD go to work. :)

Quiet times when I can create, organize, read, write, listen to music, cook, watch a good movie or a good show...be surrounded by nature, these are all my coping mechanisms my mouse.

I read a grief article the other day on coping mechanisms & how important it is that we all have them- good healthy ones. I realized these are all mine. They're not only good for grief, but for stress & depression too.

Keeping our minds & bodies busy- but not always a hectic busy. A quiet busy. That's the best.

I realized too- that in those quiet busy times my heart & mind are always drawn to you.

That's when I feel most connected.

And I need to feel connected to you. I have to stay connected.

Ironically, it's what helps heal my heart & mind. I need it like I need water.

It's the only thing that helps sooth my aching heart. <3
...

I love you my mouse.

More than you can imagine.

Your sister & the Jersey fam come back tomorrow.

After this, hopefully things quiet down a bit.

More time to write, to work on the pictures, to hang out with the family.

More quiet busy days....

In the meantime my angel.

Come visit us. In my dreams.

But stay busy too- watching over those beautiful babies that need you too. <3

I miss you so much.

Everyday. Every moment.

Forever,
Your mommy

Seventh birthday at Chuck E Cheese. One of the albums I never printed
from Facebook. My purple girl. Everyone knew your taste. <3