My little girl,

I can't believe a whole month has passed since I last wrote. Today is the last day of September & I didn't want to let it pass without writing at least once.

The summer just flew by & it's hard to believe that the holidays are around the corner, once again. We are all hanging in there baby girl. Adjusting to Sissy being away at college, even though we see her often. Bella in her last year of middle school. Each with their own activities & school assignments. Bella is now taking 3 dance classes, so I'm busy running back & forth. Dropping her up, picking her up...movies, sleepovers, football games. I'm her taxi.

But it's good. When I get tired, I just try to remind myself of how I missed doing all those things with you. How it was the same with Sissy just a few years ago & now she's all independent & doesn't need me to be her taxi anymore. It keeps us busy.

It's good for Bella to have friends & have a social life. She still cares about school & studies hard, keeps up with her work. I feel like I don't have to worry about her- but I also have to remember she's at that age where she's waking up to other things too. So I can't be too relaxed. Social media, boys, other friends influences...

It's a tough age & these are different times baby girl.

I have learned that no matter what age, your sisters will always need me in different ways.
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Sissy had a tough start to college. :(

To our shock & surprise, she was back home visiting just a few days after we moved her all in. She was upset saying it wasn't what she expected & was already homesick. Both her & Farwah already made up their minds that they wanted out, already talking about transferring & moving out next semester!

We couldn't believe it baby girl. We didn't know what to say. We felt both sad & surprised. It was the last thing we expected- since it's all she talked about for the longest time. All the preparing, all the time & effort....she was so happy & excited. We all were.

But when I saw her face....you know Sissy. She doesn't ever show her feelings. And then when the tears came, my heart just broke for her. I knew then it was serious. We all just felt really sorry for her.
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I thought maybe the problem was just that- all the hype. Ever since middle school- they start grilling it into their heads, about college. Personality & skill tests. What classes should you take, what programs should you participate in, what do you want to be when you grow up? What's your GPA? SAT scores...

They make them research schools, diplomas, tuition. It's all they talk about for 4 years in high school & by the time they reach their senior year they are extremely stressed & anxious. And once the touring begins, each school tries to sell you the idea that they are the best & that your child will thrive there. Heavily selling all the perks, promising a new life & a bright future. Every teen's dream. To live away from home & have access to so much.

We bought it too. We thought how lucky these kids are! How I would of loved it at her age. To have that kind of freedom & all those choices. I don't think I would of missed home at all.

But Sissy is not me, & luckily our home isn't like how mine was....& this isn't that type of college.

Sissy is shy, more reserved, a little more anti-social. She doesn't drink, do drugs- not interested in hooking up & partying like some kids. She still likes to have fun, but also cares about school & is there for a reason.

We've learned too that this is more of a commuter school. Sissy says that not many upper classman dorm there- & the freshman like her that do, that can afford to, are mostly over-privileged, snobby, rude kids. Even in her building & classes, she's found it hard to make friends. :(

On the weekends, its quiet there. Not many things to do in or around the campus. So she usually comes home.
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I think all the hyping it up all this time, gave her different expectations of what college/dorm life would be like. I think she is extremely disappointed.

So we've just been trying to be supportive as possible, my angel. What else can we do? We've been trying to be patient, understanding & encouraging. Asking her to do the same. To give it a chance. That hopefully with time she will adjust & things will get a little easier. To not give up so easily.

The deal was for her to dorm there for her first year (which is required) & then she would come back home & commute to school. But she wants to come back home & do that starting next semester. It has to be approved by the school & it's a process...not an easy one.

Of course it's flattering as a parent to hear that your kid is homesick. You would be amazed how changed your sister was, just after a week of being away. That shocked me too. I'm sure you saw baby girl. After all the complaining I did- after this summer of butting heads & constant arguing & silent treatments...

In an instant it went from that, to hugs & tears & I love yous & miss yous. Making her favorite meals when she comes home, her not only wanting to spend quality time with us, but actually making time to do so. I joke that we see more of her now than we did when she was living here! ;)

Jokes aside though, I'm glad that things have turned around. I'm sad that it took this to make that happen. But that's always the way life is, it's crazy like that.

And as much as I would like to be happy about it, I still feel sorry that she's so unhappy she wants to come back. Even though I would love to see her face more often, I also want her to be ok in the outside world.

I worry.

I also reminded her that she's there to learn & study & get her degree. That's the main goal. To not get caught up in the rest. And so far she likes her classes & most her teachers. I told her to just be herself, keep her head up & remember to smile & be friendly. To sign up for clubs & activities & be open-minded. To not force things, let them naturally happen. To just give it some time...

We're not going anywhere & our door is always open. <3
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Oh baby girl. I'm learning, the parenting thing doesn't get easier.

That even when our kids are away, we care & we worry. We miss & we love.

I know you are looking down at all this. I always wonder what you would say, what you think.

I miss you my mouse.

Days pass. I try & not to think about getting further & further away from you- from our memories. I try to remember that instead I'm one day closer to seeing you again.

Even as time passes, I know you're close. We still get our signs, I still see you in my dreams. <3

Those I have to write about too.

I love you my little girl.
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Tomorrow I will start decorating for Halloween. We're going to decorate your area at the gardens. I'm going to picture you by my side as I get the boxes out & go through them, picturing your face full of excitement just like you used to get when it was this time of year. How you girls would love Halloween & Christmas- the only times I could get you to decorate with me. :)

I will listen for your voice as I decide where to place things. I will feel your breeze when I walk Rocky. I will look up into the sky as I look for you & smile.

I will say hi my mouse. I miss you and I love you. One more day.

Love,
Mommy