I didn't want this month to go by without writing you a letter. It's amazing how time just flies. Papi says it gets worse as we get older, I can only imagine.
Another year is almost over baby girl. Or as your sisters have been saying, "Another decade!" They seem to be excited about that. :)
To me, it's unbelievable. But then as I look at myself & others around me, I can see the signs of aging. Your mommy has sprouted a few more white hairs & wrinkles this year. A bad nights sleep takes a big toll on my face- the bags & haggard look. But it's ok. I'm ok with it. As long as we keep up with our health, that's the most important.
Not only our physical health, but mental too. That's what I've been working on these last few months my mouse. I'm sure you know.
Things got pretty bad at one point. I promised your sisters & daddy I'd go talk to someone. I did. I started with seeing two in one day & put on some meds. :( Even with the sad face, it's not a bad thing baby girl. That's what the second doc told me. She said that we often neglect our mental health, that in today's society it's looked at something shameful, but it shouldn't be. It should be the same as treating our physical health- that if someone has high bp or diabetes, they take meds. It's not any different...the meds along with lifestyle changes. Which I'm learning to do. So I see the other doc once or twice a month to work on that too.
...
You know I've had my reservations about this for a while. Meds in general. By nature, I'm skeptical about everything. But I had to try it my angel. Things got to a breaking point. Plus, they've been bad for so long.
It's hard to manage stress, anxiety & depression for anyone- but specially for us. Like Auntie says, we've been through so much & the way we've dealt with things is by keeping them inside. By not dealing with things...plus we have a history of it with our mom. Grandma.
Being vulnerable is not something I'm used to. Neither is asking for help. But I'm trying to get better. For me & the family. For us. For you.
My mom never got any help baby girl. By the time we grew up & realized she needed it, she refused. She was in denial & really sick by then. I guess when I saw myself going in that direction...it scared me. :(
I don't want to do that. I don't want to be that. I know I deserve better & so does our family. I always wondered how different our lives would have been if she'd only been "normal." Even now, when I talk to her over the phone. I wonder. I feel sorry.
…
Your dad & sisters have been patient, at least. They've been trying to help out with things around the house, which is a big help. To give me my space too when I ask for it...
Oh my angel. I miss you. All the meds in the world wouldn't of stopped me from weeping for you Christmas Eve. We had a nice time at Tio's...but when I heard them talking about the kids ages & go down the list from oldest to youngest...they skipped you. And it hurt. It made me sad & brought back all those feelings.
When I got home I just cried & cried. I unpacked your purple North Face jacket & held it tight.
I know things will never be back to "normal". I don't expect them to be. But for once, it would be nice for things to just be calm. Peaceful.
...
I better go baby girl. I have to work tomorrow.
I wish I could be excited for the New Year- the new decade, like your sisters. But all I can think of- is 5 years. :(
My only wish is that we can get through it. That we still feel you closer- maybe even closer. Because I miss you so much.
Love,
Forever & ever,
Mommy
