I didn't want this month to go by without writing you a letter. It's amazing how time just flies. Papi says it gets worse as we get older, I can only imagine.
Another year is almost over baby girl. Or as your sisters have been saying, "Another decade!" They seem to be excited about that. :)
To me, it's unbelievable. But then as I look at myself & others around me, I can see the signs of aging. Your mommy has sprouted a few more white hairs & wrinkles this year. A bad nights sleep takes a big toll on my face- the bags & haggard look. But it's ok. I'm ok with it. As long as we keep up with our health, that's the most important.
Not only our physical health, but mental too. That's what I've been working on these last few months my mouse. I'm sure you know.
Things got pretty bad at one point. I promised your sisters & daddy I'd go talk to someone. I did. I started with seeing two in one day & put on some meds. :( Even with the sad face, it's not a bad thing baby girl. That's what the second doc told me. She said that we often neglect our mental health, that in today's society it's looked at something shameful, but it shouldn't be. It should be the same as treating our physical health- that if someone has high bp or diabetes, they take meds. It's not any different...the meds along with lifestyle changes. Which I'm learning to do. So I see the other doc once or twice a month to work on that too.
...
You know I've had my reservations about this for a while. Meds in general. By nature, I'm skeptical about everything. But I had to try it my angel. Things got to a breaking point. Plus, they've been bad for so long.
It's hard to manage stress, anxiety & depression for anyone- but specially for us. Like Auntie says, we've been through so much & the way we've dealt with things is by keeping them inside. By not dealing with things...plus we have a history of it with our mom. Grandma.
Being vulnerable is not something I'm used to. Neither is asking for help. But I'm trying to get better. For me & the family. For us. For you.
My mom never got any help baby girl. By the time we grew up & realized she needed it, she refused. She was in denial & really sick by then. I guess when I saw myself going in that direction...it scared me. :(
I don't want to do that. I don't want to be that. I know I deserve better & so does our family. I always wondered how different our lives would have been if she'd only been "normal." Even now, when I talk to her over the phone. I wonder. I feel sorry.
…
Your dad & sisters have been patient, at least. They've been trying to help out with things around the house, which is a big help. To give me my space too when I ask for it...
Oh my angel. I miss you. All the meds in the world wouldn't of stopped me from weeping for you Christmas Eve. We had a nice time at Tio's...but when I heard them talking about the kids ages & go down the list from oldest to youngest...they skipped you. And it hurt. It made me sad & brought back all those feelings.
When I got home I just cried & cried. I unpacked your purple North Face jacket & held it tight.
I know things will never be back to "normal". I don't expect them to be. But for once, it would be nice for things to just be calm. Peaceful.
...
I better go baby girl. I have to work tomorrow.
I wish I could be excited for the New Year- the new decade, like your sisters. But all I can think of- is 5 years. :(
My only wish is that we can get through it. That we still feel you closer- maybe even closer. Because I miss you so much.
Love,
Forever & ever,
Mommy
I am proud of us babe. Just the mere fact that we are doing something about what we are going through is leaps and bounds.
ReplyDeleteI know we have a family that loves us so much, that would do anything for us. And, we have our familia that also love us and only want the best for us. We have so much support, even though at times there are things we are going through that we don’t share and don’t want to share...because we feel as though these are our burdens. 😥
We don’t have to share the load of these burdens, we can share what we need. Time or help, or just venting in a healthy way are ways we can get this relief.
We can’t burden our spirits anymore. Those inner burdens we experience are toxic.
It lightens my heart to hear mom experiencing some peace in many ways. She is more active than me on the weekends and seems to be enjoying the times she spends with those that used to cause her a lot of distress.
It gives me hope and perspective. Perspective that although there are burdens that life throws at us, we can still come out okay.
I hate to disappoint and I feel as though when I share my burdens, that is what I’ll be doing. I feel like I’m loading more burdens on to the people that I care for the most in this world.
I’ve lost friendships because some people don’t understand that I detach myself for self-preservation. Friendships take time and energy, more so with some than others, but, this isolation has caused me more bad than good. I’m still filtering out how to detach without isolating.
I just want you to know that you don’t have to go through it alone. You don’t have to share what you don’t want to or need. You can share what you choose to. You can ask for help. You can be vulnerable and it’s okay. It takes great strength to be vulnerable and ask for what you need.
So many people are going through our parallel universe. Because life is hard. Life changes, parenting, dealing with spousal challenges, those are only some of the things we experience and there is no exact guide on how to navigate. We do our best. Among all of these ‘normal’ challenges are the life-altering experiences that loom.
These life-altering experiences are the ones that are harder to navigate. The emotional and mental anguish that come from these times are hard on the soul. I think it is when one experiences these specifically, a call for help is a must.
When I think back to so many of these life-altering events we’ve experienced, I believe that we are still standing because there is a greater purpose. But, we mustn’t stand alone. I am proud of you for taking the step. The leap of faith. Trusting a process that you have your doubts in. I know it’s because you are longing for change and relief. And you deserve it. We do. 💜
Thanks sis, love you so much 💜💜
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