Saturday, February 11, 2017
Thursday, February 9, 2017
Ups & downs
My dear Hailey,
Your sisters thought they'd get their first snow day today, but no...no snow. I was kind of hoping for a snow day too. It feels weird for it to be almost mid-February already & not have had at least one good snowfall. I've lived here almost all my life & that's never happened.
You girls always loved the snow. Specially you & Bella. So many memories of you going sledding at the old house with Juno, then the apartments, then here just a few houses away. The year we found out Bella is allergic to cold! Remember that? When her hands got so swollen & red I called the doctor & she had her tested, & sure enough...
But that never stopped her did it? Not even now. I just make sure she's wearing extra layers & extra warm gloves.
...
I didn't finish telling you when I last wrote about my episode with the gardens. Of why I was so upset...
We went by on Sunday to say hi & your flowers were gone with your vase turned in, upside down. It was yours & several others around yours...
There was a tarp set up just above- the ones they normally use during a service. They had one for yours too. It looked like they removed all the flowers for the service, to maybe place chairs around, etc. I wasn't happy, but I figured they'd put the flowers back in a few days. I went by there Monday to check again & still no flowers.
I went by the office to ask & they were clueless about where your flowers were. I spoke to a manager who walked out there with me so I could show her...she even agreed that they were probably removed for the service, but had no answer as to what happened to them afterwards. This made me upset because it's not the first time. This is the 4th or 5th time that your flowers have disappeared.
I let my emotions get away from me & told her how unfair it is that we paid over 4 thousand dollars for a spot where I can't even keep flowers for you...that the flowers themselves are expensive, because I only use the best kind...but what's worse is to visit you & see your grave empty.
I asked her if she could understand why I was so upset? That it's fine to have removed them for the service, but to not have a policy in place where they replace them once their done is just wrong. To just throw them out like that (because I'm sure that's what they did.)...is wrong.
That I come every week to visit you & I know for a fact that the others around you also had flowers & sentimental ornaments & just imagine how their loved ones will feel when they visit & see it all gone too?
Oh my mouse, I held it until I got to my car & just let it out burst out. Rocky... who was sleeping in the back seat jumped up & came to sit by me wondering what was wrong. I wonder if you were watching...
I just couldn't help it. I was mad your flowers were gone. I was mad to have to complain about them. I was mad that you were there. I was mad that I have to go there just to visit you...when you should be here. With me.
It all just came up and overflowed....I came close to having another anxiety attack, like I did in the beginning. :(
...
Daddy went by there the next day & saw they replaced it with a beautiful bouquet of spring flowers. He took a picture to show me. The lady left a message telling me they had...after having maintenance check the dumpsters & not being able to find your purple arrangement.
I couldn't call her back. I just sat in there breathing in silence. Just me & my pain.
Then your sisters came home & you know how their day went...having their bad days too.
Life is so just unfair & it's tiring to keep fighting sometimes, baby girl. We all do our best, but some days it's enough that we got through a single day with no worries or tears.
...
Btw- as I was writing this, is started to snow & Sissy came home. It stuck to the grass & cars but not the street. She's still holding out for a day off tomorrow, or at least a delay. ;)
I hope that next time I write I will have more happy news, my sweet girl.
We miss & love you everyday.
Love always,
Mommy <3
P.S. Actually I can think of two happy things baby girl. Yesterday it was so nice we grilled steaks. First time using the grill this year. We lit a candle for you during dinner, because our family dinners could not be complete without you.
Also, this morning, feeling sorry for Kayla for not having a snow day- I woke up extra early & made a nice breakfast. Daddy & Bella woke up too & we had all ate together before 6am (Sissy's bus comes at 6:30). Then she drove to the bus stop. She's been getting all the practice she can. :)
I love our family, my mouse. And you are still a part of it no matter what. You are still part of us.
Your sisters thought they'd get their first snow day today, but no...no snow. I was kind of hoping for a snow day too. It feels weird for it to be almost mid-February already & not have had at least one good snowfall. I've lived here almost all my life & that's never happened.
You girls always loved the snow. Specially you & Bella. So many memories of you going sledding at the old house with Juno, then the apartments, then here just a few houses away. The year we found out Bella is allergic to cold! Remember that? When her hands got so swollen & red I called the doctor & she had her tested, & sure enough...
But that never stopped her did it? Not even now. I just make sure she's wearing extra layers & extra warm gloves.
...
I didn't finish telling you when I last wrote about my episode with the gardens. Of why I was so upset...
We went by on Sunday to say hi & your flowers were gone with your vase turned in, upside down. It was yours & several others around yours...
There was a tarp set up just above- the ones they normally use during a service. They had one for yours too. It looked like they removed all the flowers for the service, to maybe place chairs around, etc. I wasn't happy, but I figured they'd put the flowers back in a few days. I went by there Monday to check again & still no flowers.
I went by the office to ask & they were clueless about where your flowers were. I spoke to a manager who walked out there with me so I could show her...she even agreed that they were probably removed for the service, but had no answer as to what happened to them afterwards. This made me upset because it's not the first time. This is the 4th or 5th time that your flowers have disappeared.
I let my emotions get away from me & told her how unfair it is that we paid over 4 thousand dollars for a spot where I can't even keep flowers for you...that the flowers themselves are expensive, because I only use the best kind...but what's worse is to visit you & see your grave empty.
I asked her if she could understand why I was so upset? That it's fine to have removed them for the service, but to not have a policy in place where they replace them once their done is just wrong. To just throw them out like that (because I'm sure that's what they did.)...is wrong.
That I come every week to visit you & I know for a fact that the others around you also had flowers & sentimental ornaments & just imagine how their loved ones will feel when they visit & see it all gone too?
Oh my mouse, I held it until I got to my car & just let it out burst out. Rocky... who was sleeping in the back seat jumped up & came to sit by me wondering what was wrong. I wonder if you were watching...
I just couldn't help it. I was mad your flowers were gone. I was mad to have to complain about them. I was mad that you were there. I was mad that I have to go there just to visit you...when you should be here. With me.
It all just came up and overflowed....I came close to having another anxiety attack, like I did in the beginning. :(
...
Daddy went by there the next day & saw they replaced it with a beautiful bouquet of spring flowers. He took a picture to show me. The lady left a message telling me they had...after having maintenance check the dumpsters & not being able to find your purple arrangement.
I couldn't call her back. I just sat in there breathing in silence. Just me & my pain.
Then your sisters came home & you know how their day went...having their bad days too.
Life is so just unfair & it's tiring to keep fighting sometimes, baby girl. We all do our best, but some days it's enough that we got through a single day with no worries or tears.
...
Btw- as I was writing this, is started to snow & Sissy came home. It stuck to the grass & cars but not the street. She's still holding out for a day off tomorrow, or at least a delay. ;)
I hope that next time I write I will have more happy news, my sweet girl.
We miss & love you everyday.
Love always,
Mommy <3
P.S. Actually I can think of two happy things baby girl. Yesterday it was so nice we grilled steaks. First time using the grill this year. We lit a candle for you during dinner, because our family dinners could not be complete without you.
Also, this morning, feeling sorry for Kayla for not having a snow day- I woke up extra early & made a nice breakfast. Daddy & Bella woke up too & we had all ate together before 6am (Sissy's bus comes at 6:30). Then she drove to the bus stop. She's been getting all the practice she can. :)
I love our family, my mouse. And you are still a part of it no matter what. You are still part of us.
Tuesday, February 7, 2017
Beautiful bond
My sweet girl,
It's been a tough last couple of days, but worse today. Both Bella & Sissy had bad days at school, after being reminded....
Bella's counselor called to tell me Bella was in her office, really upset because of a writing assignment that was prompted during class- "The best or worst day of my life." It triggered a wave of grief that had her crying for a while & she asked if I wanted to pick her up. Of course I did, so I got her right away...trying my hardest not to have a breakdown myself. But the tears escaped anyway...
Then later Sissy came home & as I was telling her about Bella, she told me about her bad day too. Her Health class showed a video of several people passing away due to different diseases. One of them was an 11 year old boy...
You know Sissy doesn't show her emotions too much...so it broke my heart to see her cry. I hugged her as hard as I could, just like I did Bella. Wishing I could make the pain go away, wishing I could to make them feel better in some kind of way....
But the only way I know how...is just to hold them & cry with them. To tell them how much I love them. How proud I am of them, & how you are too.
I tell them that unfortunately, they will have bad days. That grief will make a surprise visit when we least expect it...even when we try our hardest to make it go away. On those days, it's ok to cry. It's ok to be silent or scream. It's ok to want to get away or not...
It's ok...because there are no rules to grieving. That as long as they take care of themselves & rest afterwards...physically & emotionally.
...
My mouse, this is so hard. I hate it. I hate this feeling of helplessness & despair. What we went through is hard. Having you gone is hard. Missing you is so hard...
And what can we do but just continue to do what we have been doing....to have hope that everything will be ok. To continue to rely on the love & support from each other & all our loved ones. To cherish all the beautiful memories we had with you. To be grateful for the gift of knowing you & loving you...of being a part of your life.
To hope that we will see each other again.
...
What is the alternative? To hate? To rage? To hate what's happened & hate that we can't do anything about it? To hate this life & not want to go on living it? To curse God for what he let happen...for his "plan"? For his "reasons"?
Yes, I have. I have felt all those things. I've been in that dark place. How can one not? I think it's only natural & maybe even ok too...for just moments at a time. But not to fester in those feelings. To not get stuck in that darkness...in that hopeless place.
While it's hard to fight your way out, I think it would be much harder to live there permanently, baby girl.
Like that one quote says:
"I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear." - Martin Luther King, Jr
I think it's so true my mouse.
...
I curse at the universe sometimes, but I also beg for strength to go on.
I ask it to take the last of my happiness if needed; in exchange for your sisters' happiness. Just like I asked it to take my life instead of yours...
While I have some peace knowing I will see you again one day...I also know that your sisters have a longer road on this grief journey than me & it just erases that little bit of peace.
I hope that's not the case my angel. I hope that they heal faster & better than me & that the waves of grief soften over time.
...
I reminded your sisters of how beautiful the bond is that you all have with each other.
That not everyone gets to experience it in this lifetime. That it's truly a wonderful gift.
That even though it hurts because you aren't physically here anymore; that bond still exists & nothing will ever, ever be able to break it.
And we all agree our beautiful Hailey, that if we were first given a choice to have you in our lives, even if for just a little while...than to never know you at all...
We choose you. We would choose you a million times over. To know you, to love you, to share our souls with you...our beautiful angel.
And the truth is you are not really lost to us. You are in our hearts, our minds & our souls.
If we close our eyes, you are one memory away. If we look up at the sky, you are in the sun, in the clouds & in the rain.
You are everywhere baby girl. You are in everything beautiful.
We love you, so so much.
Please look after your sisters if you can. <3
Always & forever,
Your mommy
It's been a tough last couple of days, but worse today. Both Bella & Sissy had bad days at school, after being reminded....
Bella's counselor called to tell me Bella was in her office, really upset because of a writing assignment that was prompted during class- "The best or worst day of my life." It triggered a wave of grief that had her crying for a while & she asked if I wanted to pick her up. Of course I did, so I got her right away...trying my hardest not to have a breakdown myself. But the tears escaped anyway...
Then later Sissy came home & as I was telling her about Bella, she told me about her bad day too. Her Health class showed a video of several people passing away due to different diseases. One of them was an 11 year old boy...
You know Sissy doesn't show her emotions too much...so it broke my heart to see her cry. I hugged her as hard as I could, just like I did Bella. Wishing I could make the pain go away, wishing I could to make them feel better in some kind of way....
But the only way I know how...is just to hold them & cry with them. To tell them how much I love them. How proud I am of them, & how you are too.
I tell them that unfortunately, they will have bad days. That grief will make a surprise visit when we least expect it...even when we try our hardest to make it go away. On those days, it's ok to cry. It's ok to be silent or scream. It's ok to want to get away or not...
It's ok...because there are no rules to grieving. That as long as they take care of themselves & rest afterwards...physically & emotionally.
...
My mouse, this is so hard. I hate it. I hate this feeling of helplessness & despair. What we went through is hard. Having you gone is hard. Missing you is so hard...
And what can we do but just continue to do what we have been doing....to have hope that everything will be ok. To continue to rely on the love & support from each other & all our loved ones. To cherish all the beautiful memories we had with you. To be grateful for the gift of knowing you & loving you...of being a part of your life.
To hope that we will see each other again.
...
What is the alternative? To hate? To rage? To hate what's happened & hate that we can't do anything about it? To hate this life & not want to go on living it? To curse God for what he let happen...for his "plan"? For his "reasons"?
Yes, I have. I have felt all those things. I've been in that dark place. How can one not? I think it's only natural & maybe even ok too...for just moments at a time. But not to fester in those feelings. To not get stuck in that darkness...in that hopeless place.
While it's hard to fight your way out, I think it would be much harder to live there permanently, baby girl.
Like that one quote says:
"I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear." - Martin Luther King, Jr
I think it's so true my mouse.
...
I curse at the universe sometimes, but I also beg for strength to go on.
I ask it to take the last of my happiness if needed; in exchange for your sisters' happiness. Just like I asked it to take my life instead of yours...
While I have some peace knowing I will see you again one day...I also know that your sisters have a longer road on this grief journey than me & it just erases that little bit of peace.
I hope that's not the case my angel. I hope that they heal faster & better than me & that the waves of grief soften over time.
...
I reminded your sisters of how beautiful the bond is that you all have with each other.
That not everyone gets to experience it in this lifetime. That it's truly a wonderful gift.
That even though it hurts because you aren't physically here anymore; that bond still exists & nothing will ever, ever be able to break it.
And we all agree our beautiful Hailey, that if we were first given a choice to have you in our lives, even if for just a little while...than to never know you at all...
We choose you. We would choose you a million times over. To know you, to love you, to share our souls with you...our beautiful angel.
And the truth is you are not really lost to us. You are in our hearts, our minds & our souls.
If we close our eyes, you are one memory away. If we look up at the sky, you are in the sun, in the clouds & in the rain.
You are everywhere baby girl. You are in everything beautiful.
We love you, so so much.
Please look after your sisters if you can. <3
Always & forever,
Your mommy
Saturday, February 4, 2017
Purple red velvet
My beautiful girl,
Today we went to Madeline's & the girls made Red Velvet cupcakes & Rocky Road fudge. Without any of the adults saying anything they all agreed to make purple icing...for you. <3
It was about the only thing they could agree on the whole time. :)
(I'll have to post the picture later, the site isn't working right now).
We miss you little girl.
We heard your song (see you again) on the way to Madeline's & the car got quiet with you on our mind...I told your sister it was you sending a sign to let us know you'd be at Alina's in spirit. She missed you anyway.
It's a new month. I still haven't heard back from AAP...Debbie says not to worry that we will prevail.
I don't have the energy to worry my angel.
I have to be at work early tomorrow...so I better get to sleep.
I love & miss you so much. I wish I could hug and kiss you.
Your mommy <3
Today we went to Madeline's & the girls made Red Velvet cupcakes & Rocky Road fudge. Without any of the adults saying anything they all agreed to make purple icing...for you. <3
It was about the only thing they could agree on the whole time. :)
(I'll have to post the picture later, the site isn't working right now).
We miss you little girl.
We heard your song (see you again) on the way to Madeline's & the car got quiet with you on our mind...I told your sister it was you sending a sign to let us know you'd be at Alina's in spirit. She missed you anyway.
It's a new month. I still haven't heard back from AAP...Debbie says not to worry that we will prevail.
I don't have the energy to worry my angel.
I have to be at work early tomorrow...so I better get to sleep.
I love & miss you so much. I wish I could hug and kiss you.
Your mommy <3
Thursday, February 2, 2017
Little mouse
Little mouse,
This is one of my favorite pictures of you. You got this top for your birthday (I think from Auntie Or Papi) & it was your favorite for a long time.
You wore it until it had holes & stains, until it barely fit you.
In this picture you are pulling a wagon & your arms are behind your back.
Always smiling. Those beautiful soft curls. Those little baby teeth...
My little mouse.
You are in my heart forever.
Love,
Mommy <3
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