Reality

My beautiful angel,

I find myself, even as tired as I am, not being able to sleep without writing to you first. Even those few whispers of prayers to you before I sleep don't seem enough. It's been this way, since I stopped praying to God. I don't know how long this will be, but for now I just want to talk to you. My angel. I'm sorry...I know he will understand.

Today was the 5k walk for diabetes, and it was such a great day baby. I will tell you more about it in detail tomorrow, with pictures and all. Even though I have a feeling you were already there. I was surrounded by many people, including Sissy, Caroline & Papi as we walked closer to the finish line, when I suddenly felt a cool sensation all over, giving me goose bumps up & down my arms. I stopped to show everyone & no one else felt it, no one else had the goose bumps, except me. Considering it was almost 90 degrees in the hot sun...I burst into tears & cried into Auntie's arms, because I knew it was you baby girl. I knew you were there to show your support, & to let us know how happy you were that we were all there. I'm so glad we went.

Now tomorrow, I go back to work. That is why I have to try and get some sleep. I have many mixed feelings about this. I'm nervous & anxious. Part of me isn't ready, but the other half says I better. That it will be better than staying home alone during the day. I don't know what to expect. I'm scared that I won't be able to handle it. That people will ask me questions or just look with a sad stare. Also, my focus has been off. My mind just goes into different places uncontrollably sometimes & gets stuck there. Maybe I do need more time, or more therapy... I don't know baby girl. I pray for strength. That is all. To get me through. Through everything...

Reality says that I need a job. That I have responsibilities. That if Daddy went back to work, & your sisters to school, then I can too. But part of me of me feels guilt, I think. To go back to "routine" & "normalcy". A new normal. Without you. I don't know if I can do that.

What reality says, and what I feel are two different things. I just want to see you again. To hold you. But I can't, and I have to accept it. Deal with it. When sometimes I rather not, & just run away. Somewhere far. Or just stay put. In my own little world, away from reality. I don't even know..

I'm sorry baby. I know I sound crazy, but it's those thoughts that haunt me, when I'm alone. I don't want to burden you with them any longer. So I'm going to try & see if occupying my mind with work can help. I know I will never "move on", but I can at least try to just continue.

I know it will be ok baby. Don't worry. I will close my eyes and listen for your voice, as I would when I needed to be lifted. That sweet voice. My mouse.

I love you everyday. Everyday I miss you. I will find a way. You & your sisters have always been my strength, and that will never change. No matter what.

Sweet dreams my pretty mermaid.

Love you always & forever.

Forever your mommy.