Coping

My mouse,

Another week has passed. Each day I wake up & get through is a big deal, but leaves me mentally & physically exhausted. Still, for each step I take forward, I am grateful.

Last week Bella & I went to the book store. I bought a few books on grief & coping with losing a child....You.

I got one for her on that subject & a few for me. Knowing your sister & her love for books, you know she ran to the kids section while I was looking for mine & guess what she found? She was so excited. A copy of the new Pinkalicious: Aqualicious book. And guess what this one is about? Pinkalicious goes to the beach & finds a mermaid. :)

Coincidence? I think not.

We couldn't believe it. We didn't forget that the Pinkalicious series was always your favorite. Your collection of the all the books are still in your bookcase. I remember the one birthday I got you the Pinkalicious doll, holding a magic wand. You were so happy. You sat her in your baby stroller & pushed her all around...I'm sure she's still in your room too.

So of course I bought the book for Bella. She finished it even before we got home. I asked her to read it to me too after I finish all mine. She also got a book on Wizards. She said on our last hiking trip with Dylan & Tyler, each of you had a special wizard stick (hiking sticks), each with a special power & codes to activate the power (she couldn't tell me the powers or codes, because all of you swore to secrecy). She got the Wizard book to get ideas for more special powers and spells. I love that Bella is still a kid, after all. Maybe you can help them with a few magic tricks? ;)

The other book I got her is one we read together with Sissy:

It's really nice, the way it explains life...being like the wind. That wind doesn't just disappear, it just moves on to somewhere new...

These are the ones I got for me:

I started on one, and moved to the other...going back and forth each day. They've helped baby. Just like all the online websites I've visited over these last few weeks. On grief, loss, grieving parents...of course they are the most heartbreaking. It's made me realize that I am not alone. Unfortunately. There are many parents out there who have suffered the loss of their babies, kids, even grown kids. Either way, it's the same pain we share.

Weather it was before, during childbirth or after...car accidents, illnesses, war, murders, kidnappings, suicide....it's all horrible, horrible...things that shouldn't happen to anyone. But they do. All the time. And you don't really stop to think about it, the full meaning of it, until it happens to you. Although selfishly sometimes, I find solace & relief in knowing you at least passed feeling no pain...

My heart breaks for those parents the most. The pain starts there, and is passed on to everyone else. In our case...grandma, Pop Pop, Papi, Ayde, Auntie, Mikey, Zulie, your cousins, the kids, Uncle Chris, Aunt Deedee, Nanny....everyone that loves you baby. We are all feeling it. I know it's not just me, even though it may feel that way sometimes. Maybe I'll send them books too...

The therapist recommended I try a support group of bereaved parents only, to see if it will help cope with the pain. She said anyone can give advice, but no one, but parents who've lost their child/children can truly relate.


That's why the books & websites help....specially the ones that are written by parents. Grief, however painful in many forms...cannot be compared to the grief of losing a child. Of losing you..

I know deep down inside, no matter how many books I read, medications I take, therapy sessions I attend... nothing will ever change what happened. But they may help cope with the pain, which is what I need right now baby. I've realized I can't do it alone. So I have to try...

I have to face the reality of living without you. Throughout my life, I've been through so many trails & had so many bad things happen. I've had to fight on my own many times, whether by choice or circumstance.

But this doesn't compare. Nothing can ever compare to this. Other than something happening to your sisters...and if that ever happens, than you might as well just take me too. I'm sorry...

I know this pain will be lifelong. I decided I'm willing to live with that, for the sake of your sisters. But what I don't know is how. How do I?

So I have to start somewhere. The support group the therapist recommended meets next week. I'm to bring a picture of you. I don't have to speak, but I can. Or just listen. Or just cry. Either way, I was told I am more than welcome. I am so thankful.

I have to be brave baby. I still need you by my side to get through this, ok? This time, I can't do it alone...

I love you my pinkalicious girl. Forever & ever...

You are in my heart.

Forever your mommy. <3