Sissy and I didn't make it to the graduation ceremony last night. We went for a walk instead, talking and sharing memories of you. This was the sky last night. No filters. It was so gorgeous. I had this overwhelming feeling that it was made just for us, at that moment, by you.
At the same time, Daddy and Bella went to the ceremony. Daddy said he got emotional right from the start, while the orchestra was playing. He remembered your last violin recital. It was around his birthday, because you sent him a message saying you couldn't wait to play for him.
Your teacher sat with them for a little while and told them about the rainbow. Daddy said they missed it, but Bella was looking for one because it was raining and the sun was out at the same time. She emailed me about it this morning:
I got this email as I pulled into the parking lot at work. Then the texts from your friends moms. I was crying in the parking lot from all the love they showed for us, for you.
This one was from Dominic's mom. She said it would ok to post this on your blog. :) She explained how she took him shopping for the ceremony & the first rack of clothes they looked at was all dark blue shirts that were too small, but then this happened:
So super sweet. He was walking for both of you.
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| Purple shirt & your purple bracelets. <3 |
I also got this sweet gift from Dominic's mom:
This one was from Isabelle's mom:
I'm sorry I didn't go baby girl. Daddy said Bella started to cry while they played the slideshow with pictures of you, but got many hugs from your friends. I thanked them both for being so brave. They went to your grave afterwards...to tell you how proud we are of you. This was our message to you:
That was it baby. Very emotional. So much crying & thinking.. I am just numb now, not able to process any more.
Another reason too, is because on top of that, later at work I spoke a nurse, co-worker, a dear person & friend, in my dept that lost her daughter too a while ago. She didn't tell me how. But I ended up crying in her arms and she asked that we pray together outside her office. We did. We closed our eyes, she held my hands and she said a prayer for us. She told me the same thing all the therapists and everyone else has been saying.....the pain will never go away.
She said it took her a good 3 years before she was able to manage & cope. That her first big nervous breakdown came after a year and a half of her daughter's death. That even before then, she'd call her sister almost every night and just cry.
She said it's hard to explain why it was worse later. That because it's still fresh with me, she rather wait to talk about it, because everyone grieves differently and she rather not make it worse for me. To just take it one day at a time, and to cry when I need to cry. Which I do. Because I just can't help it.
I wanted to go to the grieving parents meeting tonight. But with being so drained, and it raining, all I wanted to do is stay in, close to Sissy and Bella. We had a nice dinner and I watched them play Mario Bros on the Wii.
Tomorrow is your tree memorial. I have to be at work early to make that. It's also the last day of school...another emotional day.
Last night, I said my little prayer to you before bed. I asked that you come visit me in my dreams, and you did. I felt your slim body and your strong arms wrapped around me. Your long thick wavy hair in a pony tail, hanging down and touching my arms. I kissed the top of your head, feeling your warmth.
I got up this morning half remembering you in my dream, but couldn't tell if it was leftover from the night, or if I woke up from just having dreamt it. All I know is I didn't want to wake up. I laid there, still being able to feel you in my arms.
This is what got me through my day, my angel. You, my sweet angel and all the other angels around. All the other angels: Carolina, who messaged me, Mikey who called, Ayde who invited me for dinner, all your friends, their moms, my friends, my co-workers... If you look, there are angels all around. You just have to open your heart & your eyes.
If you choose to believe, you will see them.
Thank you my angel.
I love you for the rest of my life.
Always and forever, your mommy.
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