We were invited to attend the 5th grade graduation tomorrow evening at Battlefield High School. Your teacher said they have seats reserved for us just in case. They're going to have a slide show with pictures, some of which you're in & include a remembrance part for you & Conner, the other 5th grader that passed earlier in the year.
I've been going back and forth, trying to decide to go or not. At first I told her we would be there, after talking it over with Daddy & your sisters. We agreed that you would want us there, representing you.
What I didn't tell you is that my first week back at work, I started to have these anxiety attacks. The first one came after work one day. I got a call at the end of my shift, from a mom making a T-dap appointment for her daughter, that she needed to move on to middle school. I had it on my calendar to make your appointment, after we got back from the trip. I remember mentioning it to you..to not let me forget.
I tried not to think about it. I held it in until I got to my car & then it started. The uncontrollable sobbing, not being able to breath, chest pain...I called Daddy who got me to calm down. Thankfully he was off that day & was there when I got home, to cry to. What got me upset, was the thinking of...Why does this mom get to make her daughter an appointment, and not me? Why is her daughter still alive, and not mine? It isn't fair.... It just broke me down so much baby. I was so hurt & angry at God, at myself. I'm sorry if you saw that....
That same thinking is what makes me afraid to attend the graduation tomorrow. Even though I will try so hard not to, to keep it together...it's uncontrollable sometimes. The whole time, I will be thinking...how come they get to graduate & not you? Why do they get to grow up & move on with their lives, & not my baby? It's not fair. It's just not fair...if anybody deserved a happy & healthy life, it was you.
I don't know if I can bare it baby. I don't know if I can go through with it. I hope you understand. Sissy thinks that you would be sad not being able to graduate, so she doesn't think we should go. I just don't know...Daddy said he might just go with Bella. I hope that will be ok.
Bella came home with the yearbook today. They included this insert. One for you & Conner. It's so sweet.
I want you to be proud of me honey. I want to be strong for you & your sisters. Believe me, I'm trying. But some things might be too much for me right now. From the beginning, it's been too much, too soon. All I ask is that you understand. If you can, please pray for Him to give me strength. He owes me that much. Please ask him for me...
Everything they said is true. You were kind, caring, loving, supportive, a hard worker, beautiful person inside & out. You stuck up for what you believed in, committed to your friends & always did the right thing. You were & still are our sunshine.
I love you baby mouse. I'm so proud of you still. You were so smart & dedicated to school. Always tried your best. Everybody loved you. You would of graduated tomorrow with your friends. You would of looked beautiful, always glowing with that magical smile. We would of went out to dinner to celebrate afterwards & talked about our plans for the summer...
It would of been great.
I love you forever.
Forever your mommy.
It's not fair babe. You have every absolute right to feel the way that you do. You're right that sweet Hailey deserved this too. I'm sure her best friends, sisters, people who love her-feel like, why do I have that opportunity, and she doesn't? There is guilt on the other end. I have felt it...I imagine others do to. I have tortured myself with those same questions...and no answers. The only thing that I have come up with is, is that I will live each day for her. To the fullest. I will take advantage of every moment-as Hailey would. She would of dressed in her best outfit, got herself dolled up, and would've stunned everyone with her beauty and poise. When you feel her absence, through that tremendous heartache, pull Bella and Kay closer. At the pool, when I felt it, Bella would hold on to me and I swear I felt closer to Hailey more than I do when I'm alone. Everyone, including Hailey would understand your choice. You never have to feel sorry for your infinite love. This is why grief and heartache are such a tremendous heartache, because of that bond...that love. I know Hailey will be there at the ceremony...smiling that radiant smile and watching the people she cared for make that milestone. Hailey is making waves and milestones in heaven. I know she is. She is wowing them up there while she watches is down here. Your daughters and family will never be dissapointed on you. You're incredible. You're one of the finest. You have always chosen to live and survive and even if you have to crawl-you have never given up. Through this unimaginable tragedy, you have done the same. Hailey is proud as we all are. 💜💜💜
ReplyDeleteThank you. Love u
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