Sunday, June 28, 2015

Still standing

My sweet Hailey,

The month of June is coming to an end, which is hard to grasp & comprehend. Somehow, it feels like time stopped the day you passed. I understand the phrase, "frozen in time" now more than ever...

That feeling I first felt, like I was living somebody else's life still remains. I go through the days in robotic motion; get up, go to work, cook, clean...everything I do, I do in a fog. The fog has not yet lifted. "Purple haze, all in my brain."

The days we spend with family or friends help in a big way, at least. Familiar faces, familiar places. Although I didn't make my friend Cecilia's b-day dinner Friday. Bella got sick first thing in the morning & I was worried to leave her with Sissy by themselves until Daddy got home. Turns out it was just a 24 bug, but after what happened with you, I'm extra paranoid of every little thing.

But yesterday was Madeline's birthday party(s) & since she was feeling better, Bella was very excited. Specially because the first party was at the movie theater, & we went to pick up Daniela & Natalia first. It was the old theatre in Fairfax that Papi used to take us when we were little. We used to call it the dollar theater, because every movie was $1 or $2.

Sissy remembered I took you girls there once, to see Alvin & the Chipmunks 2 (all 3 of you loved them) right before we went to see the circus at The Patriot Center, right across the street. Facebook says this was 3 years ago. :)


It was the year your sister got on stage with some of the dancers right before the show & danced.

Our favorite was the elephants...which I read somewhere they are getting rid of because of all the animal abuse advocates.

I know you would be ok with that, since you loved animals so much.

So we went to see a cute movie about monkeys with Maddy & her friends. Your sweet sister tried to save you a seat in the theater & a seat with a cupcake & juice box at the table...

It's sweet, but it breaks my heart.

We went to their house afterwards, for the second party, with the family. It was good to see everyone. I got a chance to talk to Carole a little. She was nice enough to share a tragic story she experienced when she was younger, that impacted her & her family. She said they were all so sad afterwards, that they were unable to celebrate anything for over a year; including birthdays & holidays...

She mentioned how she enjoys reading this blog (which I didn't think anyone else really read, but turns they do, like Chrissy too :) She mentioned her mom also & her experiences with loss, which is really sad. Life is hard baby. Everyone has a story, & has been through some kind of hardship. It's the only true light in this whole nightmare. That you passed away never knowing any kind of real pain.

You are truly an angel.

She reassured me that she thinks me, Daddy & the family as a whole are handling what happened better than anyone could imagine. She encouraged me to keep going with your memories & understands why it's so important. It means a lot to hear it, from her & everyone else.

Uncle Bri Bri too, gave me this note last week:


If I am still standing today my baby girl, it's because of all the support from the people I love & that love us.

If I'm still standing, it's because even from up above, I don't want you to see me fall.

I keep going for them, for you, and for me...

If I haven't gone to meet you on the other side already, it's only because I know I still have work to do here.

But I promise one day, one day we'll be together.

After my work here is done, I'll see you again my beautiful girl.

I love you so much, I know you know. After all, you are a part of me, and I a part of you.

Yesterday, today & forever,

Your mommy. <3




4 comments:

  1. Beautifully written from and for 2 beautiful souls 🌈💞💜

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  2. ❤❤❤ I always read the letters ..lo unico que cada vez que lo hago siempre lloro se me hace tan duro saber que su mama tiene su corazon broken 💔 y no hay ninguna manera de ayudarla .. como hacerlo?

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  3. ❤❤❤ I always read the letters ..lo unico que cada vez que lo hago siempre lloro se me hace tan duro saber que su mama tiene su corazon broken 💔 y no hay ninguna manera de ayudarla .. como hacerlo?

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    Replies
    1. thank you ayde, you help me a lot, just by being there when I need you. hailey loved you too, we are all broken hearted. <3

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