We haven't been home much the last couple of days & I haven't been able to write you. Even though I go into your room every morning before work & say hi, drive past the gardens on the way to work & say hi, and look up at the sky right before bed, to say hi & goodnight.....I still need to write you.
Tonight there is not only a full moon, but it's glowing light orange. Also tonight, Jupiter & Venus met in the summer sky, resembling "The Star of Bethlehem." Sissy & Bella tried to get a good picture, but it didn't come out too great. I'm sure you have an amazing view of it...
http://planetsave.com/2015/06/27/star-of-bethlehem-closest-highly-visible-conjunction-of-venus-jupiter-in-2000-years-on-june-30-2015/
I had a doctor's appointment late in the day yesterday in Reston & we decided to go to the town center that we met some friends at almost 4 years ago, during the winter. It was around Christmas time, they had a parade and an ice skating rink. That day was a great day.
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| My pretty girls. |
I used this picture for our Christmas cards that year. I remember re-thinking the idea back & forth. It partly saddened me, because it made our situation so real. I thought, "After everything, it really is just me and my girls..."
But then I thought, "We went through so much and look at us, still smiling, still loving, still together. Just me and my girls...We've made it this far, we'll make it all the way."
It was a message of: "We're ok. We're going to be ok."
These were taken yesterday, my mouse. No one else may see you in them. But we do.
Here is Bella, making a wish at the same fountain. We had ice cream at Ben & Jerry's close by, sat outside & enjoyed the nice day. We talked about your favorite ice cream place, Cold Stone & your favorite flavors, blue cotton candy with crushed Oreos (sometimes marshmallows) & cake batter with chocolate cookie dough...
How I wished you were physically there with us baby girl. I try to push the feelings of guilt out of my head. The thoughts of, "Here we are enjoying the nice weather & having ice cream without her". "Here we are taking the first pictures without her included." Guilt, pain & strangeness, is what I instantly feel.
Those thoughts and feelings creep up on me, & I do my best to chase them away. After all, you are here in spirit. After all, it's not fair to your sisters to never go out again. To never have fun again. To never taste ice cream again... I love them as much as I love you. They are too young yet to give up & withdraw from life. And I know you love them just as much, to not want that either.
They need to heal too, and it won't be by staying home feeling shut out from the rest of the world baby. We carry you around with us, in our hearts. We recall memories of you, of us. In fact, as soon as we got there we saw this LOVE sign:
Do you remember this (same or different one)? We discovered it one day walking around downtown Manassas, by the train tracks. It was during Winter & they had all the trees decorated in lights that looked so pretty at night.
We discovered an ice skating rink too, that we came back later to try. This pic too was taken around that time frame as the ones above...
Love, love, love signs.
We love you so much Hailey. There are traces of you everywhere.
Things will never be the same without you.
We will never forget you, because the bond we all have is unbreakable.
We will never forget you, because the bond we all have is unbreakable.
We miss you so much.
I look at the night skies & all the stars, because I know you are shining among them.
The prettiest & the brightest.
Mommy is always with you.
Don't worry my sweet girl.
"We're ok. We're going to be ok."
I will always look for my love signs.
Always & forever,
Your mommy.
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