Dana

My dear mouse,

Tomorrow will be the one year anniversary of my friend Dana's passing. You never met her. Bella either. Just sissy, but she was still little at the time so she doesn't remember Dana. It wasn't too long after that, that life took us in different directions. I saw & spoke to her again a couple times after we moved back from NY, but never again since. So long I can't even remember the exact time. :(

Today I was supposed to of gone to her "celebration of life" get together at her brother Scott's house. Last year's celebration was bittersweet. It was good to see the old gang, but also sad at the same time. I heard things from different people that I didn't really want to know about my old friend. I guess selfishly, I wanted to just remember the old Dana that I once knew. The sweet, lively, beautiful person I remember. The one that loved children & had an undying spirit, that could liven anyone up with that beautiful contagious smile.

I guess it made me realize how things change, yet stay the same. It made me sad that I never got a chance to say good-bye & tell her how much I loved her. That even though the years passed, I've never forgotten. How sad I am that no one was able to save her...

I decided not to go at the last minute. Instead I slept in, & stayed in bed just thinking about her & the past. All that we went through. All the good & even bad times, that made our friendship what it was. Wishing I could go back to those crazy care free times. The best times of my life. Me, Brian & Dana. The 3 musketeers.

I was thinking about the day Brian called to tell me. This day (almost) last year. I was driving you & your sisters to Leesburg Outlets for the day. We were on Rt. 15, a two lane road that stretches for miles alongside the countryside. Miles of VA vineyards, farms & beautiful country homes. We liked taking the scenic routes to admire the houses daydreaming about which one we'd want to live in.

About halfway to the outlets, my phone rang & it was him. I remember immediately feeling something was wrong. I picked up the phone & he was in tears telling me Dana was gone. I had to pull over to let the shock subside enough for me to start driving again.

Dana? Gone? But she was just here yesterday....a long time ago yesterday.

You girls were so worried & supportive of me. I'll never forget how you all reacted, not minding me turning around to go home. Sissy offered to watch you girls until Daddy got home, without me asking. You all said, "Mommy, it's ok. Just go. Go be with Brian." You knew.

And it was true. She was gone. You always think there will be time. Time to go back and retrace your steps. To visit the past in the way of visiting old friends, family members & "catching up." But then the dreaded day comes, and it's too late.

I would of never thought that just nine months later, an even worse day of my life would come. The day I would lose you too baby girl.

Today I am shattered remembering. But I am also smiling picturing the two of playing in a garden filled with fairies & butterflies, surrounded by kids and animals. In those ways, you two were very much alike. She loved kids & animals too. I remember once, she planned to open a daycare. She painted one of the extra rooms in her parents house light blue & decorated it with dolphins she had cut out from a magazine. She wound up being a nanny instead...

I see her caring on & protecting you. Always playful, always laughing the way I remember...how I always will remember her.

Some people are just not meant to live here long baby girl. She was too much of a free spirit to be restricted to living here on Earth, in this world we live in. This sometimes cruel world, living a normal everyday life. She was meant for something more. Just like you...

You are the lucky ones.

We are the bereaved ones. The ones responsible for lighting the torch, & passing on your legacies. The legacies of the lucky ones...

Tell Dana I said hi, ok mouse?

Tell her I miss my slim shady.

Ask her to watch you for me, Ok?


I love you so much my beautiful girl.

Everyday I miss you, everywhere I go, you go with me.

One day I will be joining the both of you.

Until then, sweet dreams. Dream of fairies, babies & mermaids.

Always & forever,
Your mommy