I'm sorry

Dear Hailey,

Yesterday was the first holiday without you, and I can't put into words the aching in our hearts we felt, and still feel today...

I had a whole long letter written in my head, remembering all the past 4th of July's we spent together. So many memories...

I was going to include the picture of you & your sisters sitting on the beach, waiting for the fireworks to start, that one year we went to Point Pleasant, NJ for the 4th. Right on the beach, right by the ocean, with fireworks right above our heads, under a star filled summer sky...

I wanted to share with you so many things....and now I can't seem to bring myself to think or say anything other than:

I miss you so much baby girl. I wish to God I could bring you back to me. It will never seem real to me, the fact that you gone and are never coming back. I'm sorry for not being stronger for you....I'm sorry I couldn't save you. I'm sorry I can't bring you back. I'm sorry if this letter brings you pain. I'm sorry I can't stop myself....

I'm so so sorry baby girl.

I love you with all my heart.

I don't know what else to do or say, because nothing I do or say will ever bring you back. I've been lost since the day we lost you, and I know I will spend the rest of my life trying to find myself, and you.....

and I know that probably won't happen until we see each other again.

I'm sorry for everything...

Please know I did everything I could, everything I knew to do....and it hurts that it wasn't enough.

I am so sorry my sweet angel.

Please forgive me.

Your mommy that loves you,
Forever.