Strength

My dear Hailey,

This month is coming to an end & half the summer is already gone. It feels like we're running out of time, but for what? I don't know...

We are still getting by, day by day. Trying to adjust to this "new normal" as they call it. But it doesn't feel normal without you. I doubt it ever will. So we just cope the best way we can, making the best of each day. Filling the emptiness being around family & friends. Holding on & leaning on one other, without making each other fall.

Sometimes it's really hard baby, because not one of us is stronger than the other. Daddy & I have our moments, good days & bad days. So do your sisters. But there are some days when we are all in need of a higher power to give us strength. Those are the days I think a lot about God.

It's a touchy subject, because it stirs up a lot of feelings with us. Mostly anger, resentment & confusion. You have to understand, that the day you were in the hospital we all prayed so hard for a miracle, baby. We cried, begged & prayed, until we couldn't no more. Our prayers were not heard. And it still hurts...

I know it will be some time yet before we can work through all of that. I'm torn in half most times, wanting to believe & then not believing....for now I want to leave it alone. What I feel deep down is that you are in a better place. That your spirit is still around us & that we will see you again, in another lifetime, another eternity.

And that if God is really there, he'll understand, that we are still trying to come to terms with everything. He owes us that much.

Luckily, baby girl we do have a lot of support in other ways. We have other ways of pulling extra strength when we need it. Those days that we are weakened by fear....that we're not going to make it....that everything's going to fall apart. Where we don't see a point of going on....I look at this picture.

Mikey took this the day after you passed away, at the cemetery, following the hearse to the crematory, where we said our last goodbyes. Where we last saw you...

He posted this on my Facebook wall one day. On a day I was feeling really bad, really down. One of those days it was all too much & I wanted to just give up...

It came at a perfect time. I needed that extra strength. Looking at it, it reminded me of how painful that day was. When I look at it, it doesn't even seem real. How could it be? That it was just us, without you? That you were waiting for us on at the end of the road, in a beautiful white casket?

But yet there we are. Daddy, me & your sisters. Walking together, holding hands & holding each other up.

I needed to be reminded of this day baby. It's a reminder, that if we survived the worst day/days of our lives, even if only by shock & numbness...we'll be able to survive the days thereafter.

Not alone, or by breaking down & giving up. But together...holding each other's hand... each step of the way.

This picture wasn't staged or planned. I didn't even know Mikey took it until the day he posted it. Sadly, I can't even remember it. So I'm extra thankful he did. It's a symbol of love, hope & strength. The love we have for you, that carried us through.

You can't see it in the picture here, but there is a huge cross up ahead, overlooking the cemetery. Maybe that helped too...I don't know.

But it's a path we took to get to you. Even if it was to say goodbye. Even though it wasn't by choice. Even if it was gut wrenching...

We still chose to walk it, together. For you my mouse.

And that is how we will try & walk through this life.

Every path, every road I take...However gut wrenching without you. I will take with you in mind.

And it will be worth it...because I know you will be waiting on the other side.

Thank you for being our strength, my beautiful angel.

I love you with all my heart & soul. I miss you like crazy.

Today & always,

Forever your mommy. <3