I took them to Theodore Roosevelt Island in DC. It's a nice park/memorial close to the Key Bridge, right by the Potomac. I vaguely remember my Dad taking us there when we were little. I just remember the big statue of Teddy Roosevelt right there in the middle of the woods. So tall, & so in the middle of the woods. It's funny, the things you remember...
Our adventures to DC on my Dad's only day off- Sunday...I will always remember.
This is Teddy.
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| Finally found him after a long walk. |
It was flying in the opposite direction in which we were walking. The kids kept saying "Vanessa, we're going the wrong way! Hailey is flying away! She wants us to follow her!" Sure enough....we were going the wrong way. You appeared & reappeared several times, guiding us along the way. Just like Tyler calls them; it was one of your Haileyflies.
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The reason I was so happy to finally get a picture of this butterfly, is because it's the same kind that appeared right before our eyes that day at the beach.
If you were there, which I know you were...with a certainty so strong, I'd be willing to bet my life....then you already know.
That one day a couple weeks ago, we decided to go to the beach, just out of the blue. That something told me we needed to go, because we were in desperate need of a pick-me-up. That we couldn't leave Daddy behind, because he needed it just as badly as your sisters & I. But because we couldn't take any real time off from work, we just went for an overnight trip to Ocean City, MD.
First time going for your sisters. You never got to go. First family trip without you. Guilt. Sadness. All these thoughts were running through my head the day before as I packed our bags. Toothbrushes, clothes, etc...at first using the same bags we used as carry-ons for our trip to Bolivia....then switching to just beach & plastic bags.
Having such bad flashbacks, while in my room & in my closet. Just trying to pick stuff out, simple tasks that evoked such feelings of torment. Losing my breath as if the walls were closing in. Chest, hurting. Another possible anxiety attack...
But it was sadness that finally won. Crying until I was numb again. Bringing me back to those first days when I functioned mechanically, moving as if someone else was controlling my movements with a remote control. Otherwise with no other feeling in my bones.
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I hope you didn't see what a mess I was baby girl. I'm sorry if you did. I didn't expect to feel that way. I knew it would be hard, but not crippling. But maybe that's why you sent me, us, that sign. Your sign. Your butterfly.
That morning at the beach, we woke up early before sunrise. We had planned it the night before. Everyone agreed. I was surprised. Even though we did it a couple times last year at the Outer Banks & before too at the NJ shore...it was never anyone's favorite thing to do; to have to wake up early while on vacation. Bella was first to join me. Then you & Daddy, then finally Sissy.
Then all of us, together.
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| Outer Banks 2014. Me taking a picture of all of you, watching the sunrise. |
We tried to keep up with our tradition that morning in OC. As we walked on the Boardwalk, closer to the beach & in the direction of the sun... I felt your presence.
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| Daddy & your sisters on the boardwalk after a night's rain. |
Bella & I were the first ones who dared to take our flip flops off & get our toes in the sand. Then as we started to walk towards the water, Daddy & Sissy followed.
This is Sissy overlooking the water.
Her caption on Instagram for this pic was:
"Me against the world."
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| Ayde noticed the butterfly shape the waves washed up on the shore, right where Bella is standing. |
Bella rolled up her PJ's & ran straight for the water. I was right behind her.
It was a cloudy morning but fragments of the sun were starting to show. Not really a full sunrise...
We were all alone on the beach, with the sounds of the seagulls & waves crashing. Each of us inwardly saying hello to you. Sending you our own personal message...just as we often to do at the gardens. That's about the time, when it happened. Appearing out of nowhere...
A black & purplish butterfly.
It fluttered around to your sisters first, then to me & then to Daddy who was still standing on the small dune from the pic above.
In disbelief we watched it fly right by him & then just vanish into thin air. Just like it appeared, it just disappeared!
Had I been alone when this happened baby, I would of sworn I was going crazy & that I imagined it all. Had we been anywhere else, I might of been able to accept that it was just a crazy coincidence. Even though I would still argue that there have been way too many "coincidences" since you passed & I don't believe any of them were.
But most definitely, beyond any doubt, this time we knew it was not!
We were shocked & elated.
Sissy was smiling, Bella jumping up & down & saying your name, Daddy shocked that it just vanished. Me, commenting to your sisters that I've never, ever, EVER have seen a butterfly on the beach. And I've been going to beaches every year since I was a kid...
That there were no bushes or flowers or trees! And how could it just appear & disappear like that?!
We knew it was no coincidence. It was you. Sending us a sign. That you are ok. That you are always with us. And I can't thank the powers that be enough, that allowed you to send us that sign. The Haileyfly.
I'm sure you saw & felt the emotion running through our veins baby girl. It was enough for us to break down & kneel upon our knees & pray & cry. But we didn't. Instead we let the happiness & peace sink in down deep to the bottom of our souls.
As if that weren't enough, you even came back later. Appearing right on the water this time, right next to Bella who was almost all in, flying by Daddy who was next to her- then to Sissy who was with me on the shore. Watching, as the Haileyfly flew right towards me, down to my left hand suddenly touching it, as if planting a sweet kiss!
I had just written your name on the sand too.
We just couldn't believe it.
Had not all of us witnessed it, baby girl, we would of thought we imagined it all.
Maybe it was your spirit as a mermaid that allowed you to be there with us that day. You loved the beach so much.
Maybe it was our strong feeling of sadness, that made you want to send us a sure sign that you were ok, not to worry ...and that you were with us, always watching.
I guess I don't have to tell you that it worked my sweet girl. Such a sense of peace came over me, that it lasted for days to come. So much so, that I waited to write you this letter about it, to not overthink it, overplay it, or overanalyze it....but just to feel it. To just contemplate it & remember it always.
I can tell you that something in me changed that day. Something in me awoke. If I didn't believe for certain before....I do now.
Weather to call it a miracle or magic, or the hand of God... I do not know. But my beautiful angel- I know it was something beautiful. Something special. Like you.
I feel blessed to have witnessed it. I feel a little less broken...
Things have changed. For the good. And it's thanks to you.
My Haileyfly. My mermaid. My angel...my mouse. I love you.
I know wherever you are, you can be whatever you want to be.
But above everything, you will always be my beloved daughter.
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Thank you for letting me know you're ok.
Forever, your Mommy <3
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| Sand sculptures in OC..I remember these too when I was a kid. Amazing. Perhaps another sign? |
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